Just Like Them
by
Therese Kinkaide
Published by Therese Kinkaide at Smashwords
Edited by: Susan Howell Schmitz
Cover Photo by: Jim Broemmer
All Rights Reserved
Copyright 2011
Names, characters, and incidents depicted in this book are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or person, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and beyond the intent of the author.
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
~~~~
Dedication:
Just Like Them is a book about family.
This is for my family, as well as my friends & their families.
A special thank you to Dawn, Geri & Sara. The three of you keep me writing when the writing gets tough. You will never know what your constant encouragement and your enthusiasm for my work mean to me.
~~~~
Prologue
October 2010
Teel
The blood had splashed over her arms and her shirt and even splattered her face, and she thought of the miscarriage. The second one, the way the blood had soaked through her shorts and then streaked her legs.
The girls didn’t even know about the miscarriages, and so she found it funny that she would lie in bed and chase sleep and think about those babies. Keegan was not the middle child, no matter how you looked at it, and so it wasn’t about birth order.
There had been three of them, one before Rachel and two between Rachel and Keegan. The first had been hard. So hard to be young…Well, they’d gotten married a little later and gotten pregnant a little later but still…In terms of pregnancies and motherhood, aren’t you always young the first time? She and Bobby had wanted that baby so badly, and she’d ignored her mother’s advice and purchased baby clothes and blankets and newborn diapers and then one day, just after the end of the school day, she’d sat at her desk grading English worksheets and felt a twinge in her belly.
The twinge hadn’t bothered her. But by the time she left the school to go home to Bobby, she’d been in the grips of full-blown abdominal cramps and she’d known that baby wasn’t meant to be. Her second pregnancy had ended with beautiful Rachel, and she and Bobby had given her the moon anytime she’d reached a fat little hand for something and made a noise that resembled anything like Daddy or Mommy.
The miscarriage with the blood-the bad one-came when Rachel was just a year old. And though she’d told Bobby it was silly to blame himself, she often wondered if by making love too soon after Rachel and getting pregnant so quickly, if they’d done something to hurt her body or her chances of carrying a baby to term. Intellectually she knew that was ridiculous. Though doctors didn’t advocate for women to get pregnant immediately after giving birth, it did happen, and most women and babies were fine.
She’d been further along than the first miscarriage, and she’d suffered through what seemed like hours of labor pain and Bobby had taken her to the hospital. Dr. Cash had said there was nothing he could do. The blood was so sticky and thick, and she remembered how it had seemed unfathomable that this blood had once been part of her baby.
The blood today had been warm like that, and a little sticky, but not thick. If she breathed too deeply, she could still smell the cloying scent, and she gagged and then Bobby stirred in his sleep. She didn’t want to wake Bobby. He had to be on site at six a.m. so he needed his sleep, and besides, what good would it do for Bobby to be awake? He’d held her earlier, until she’d finally drifted off to sleep, but dreams woke her, and she couldn’t decide what was worse: the dreams or being awake and feeling the blood splash over her.
Funny that she would be thinking of those babies now. God knows there was so much she should be thinking about. And yet, no amount of thinking was going to change anything. Part of her thought she should get up and figure out how to help Keegan, but then part of her wondered just what the hell could be done to help Keegan. Exhausted, with her body aching from lying awake so long, she rolled to her back and turned her head on her pillow to look at Bobby.
He wore his age so well. Even now, after the blood—there had been buckets—and dealing with Keegan and the looks her colleagues were sneaking in the hallways, she could look at him and see how attractive he was. She didn’t quite feel the stirrings of desire she normally would, but that was okay. Not tonight.
Maybe it was just the blood. The sudden onslaught of warm, sticky blood would disturb anyone, and so maybe it was just the tactile memory of the miscarriage and maybe that’s why she couldn’t sleep for thinking of her babies.
The second one was a boy. She’d failed to give Bobby a son, though he’d never complained. He loved the girls just as much, if not more than she did. They’d have named him Robert Michael, after Bobby, if she could have carried him to term and given birth.
Maybe it was the pregnancy test stick she’d used just this morning, before the blood.
Maybe it was Keegan. Fear of losing her. Or maybe it was the fear that they already had lost her.
~~~~
Chapter 1
September 2010
Teel
Teel Alexander stirred in her sleep and wondered what the siren meant. In her dream world the siren made no sense; she was sitting on the deck with her sister, Eve, drinking coffee and there was no siren. It didn’t go away when she reasoned, in that half–awake state, that it should not be there. Instead, it got louder. Louder still, until finally it sounded like it could shatter the windows in the house and maybe rend their bedroom down the middle, and Teel was instantly awake. She hadn’t heard the rain when she was sleeping, but now she did. The bedroom flashed blue and red and then bright white and then blue and red again.
Still in the throes of sleep, she rubbed her eyes and listened to the rain ping against the windows. Thunder rolled, but it was so distant, she knew it wasn’t a storm that awoke her. When the siren finally burrowed deep inside Teel and truly woke her, she threw back the comforter, climbed out of bed and ran to the window on Bobby’s side of the bed. Not just any siren. It was an ambulance, and it was in her neighborhood. It had to be close for it to be so loud.
“What’s going on?” Bobby mumbled, head still mostly buried in his pillow. Lying on his stomach, he lifted his head and then as he heard the siren, he propped his body up on his elbows and looked toward the window. Teel knew he couldn’t see her, not yet. It was too dark in the room, and he was still fuzzy with sleep.
She knew the instant the siren pierced his sleep stupor. Fully awake now, she could see him clearly in the bed. His whole body tensed, and he rolled out of bed and reached for her.
“Teel? What happened? Are you all right?”
“I don’t know where it is,” she answered, and he leaned close to her to look out the window over her shoulder. She was tall, but he had her by at least a foot. Still, the alternating blue and red lights painted emergency on their neighborhood, but the ambulance itself was not in sight.
In boxers and a Jockey undershirt, Bobby took her hand and pulled her from the bedroom. The central air was still on; it was September but still ungodly hot outside. The air was not running right now, and yet, Teel shivered as Bobby led her to the front of the house to the window of the dining room, where they stood side by side and stared in horror at the ambulance parked in the middle of the street just a few houses south of theirs.
The bare windows afforded them a painfully good view of the ambulance and the lights coming on in houses up and down the street. At the back of the ambulance, the doors stood open, but there was no one in sight. In her mind, Teel walked the neighborhood and wondered who the ambulance would take away. The Strattons were older, but not elderly, and Teel couldn’t really imagine either of them suddenly dropping dead of a heart attack. Mr. Edgar, he was certainly of the age when he might die in his sleep, but as far as Teel knew, he hadn’t been living in the house for the past two or three months.
“What’s going on?”
Teel, still shaking, as much from that quirky adrenaline that had spiked to life inside her the second she’d realized it was an ambulance siren as from being cold, turned to see her oldest daughter approach. Rachel looked awake, even at this hour, and suddenly Teel wondered exactly what time it was. Nineteen years old, Rachel attended the city university but lived at home, and Teel and Bobby had abolished some of the house rules in her case, such as curfew. Not that it mattered. Rachel was a homebody; most nights she chose to stay around the house and study or read.
In pajamas, and yet looking very much awake and self-possessed, Rachel stepped up to the window beside Teel. Bobby must have noticed that Teel was shaking, because he stepped closer to her and put his arm around her shoulders.
“I wonder if it’s Marlena Howell,” he said quietly, and Teel thought he could be right, even though she’d forgotten about Marlena. Fifty-something Marlena had been diagnosed with a brain tumor earlier in the summer. Teel hated to think that, and yet, as far as this neighborhood went, an ambulance in the wee hours of the morning was off the charts weird.
Bobby reached past Teel and laid his hand on Rachel’s shoulder.
“Is Keegan sleeping through this?”
“Keegan could sleep through a heavy metal concert.” Rachel’s flat voice revealed no emotion.
“What time is it?” Teel wondered aloud, but no one answered her. She looked back over her shoulder but from her position by the dining room window, she couldn’t see the green numbers of the clock on the microwave in the kitchen.
“Oh my God.” This time Rachel’s voice carried something heavier than disbelief and still not as loud as shock. Teel looked back to the window and saw two EMTs manipulating a gurney down the cobblestone driveway at the English house. Of course from this distance and in the darkness, she couldn’t see who was on the gurney.
“It’s Marin,” Rachel said softly, just as Teel saw Jeannie English hurrying down the driveway to catch up with the EMTs. Not wanting to believe it was Marin, but already sagging against Bobby with knees far too weak to stand on, Teel tore her eyes from Jeannie and searched the drive and the yard and the front porch, hoping she wouldn’t see Rick. If she didn’t see him, then maybe he was on the gurney and not Marin. Teel didn’t want to believe it was Marin.
“Oh, God.” The words just kind of escaped in a painfully sharp sigh, because there he was. Rick was running from the porch to catch up with Jeannie and that left only fifteen-year- old Marin to be the person on the gurney that was now being loaded into the back of the ambulance.
~~~~
Chapter 2
Teel
They’d gone back to bed after watching the paramedics load Marin into the ambulance and Rick help Jeannie climb up into the back to be with Marin and then hurry back to the garage, no doubt to get the car and follow them to the hospital. It was just after two; Teel couldn’t tear her gaze away from the alarm clock on the nightstand on Bobby’s side of the bed. She lay awake and listened to Bobby in the bathroom. She knew when he came back to bed and kissed her she would taste the chalky fruity Tums he’d just chewed and swallowed.
Rachel had stood at the window even after the ambulance was gone and Bobby had gone to the bathroom and Teel had gone to the kitchen for a glass of water. But just minutes later, when Teel crossed back over the hardwood floor to tell Rachel she should go on back to bed, the girl was gone. No fanfare, no drama-she was just gone. Rachel had always been a very quiet adult personality packaged in her gangly, skinny child’s body. When she’d turned 15, she’d begun to grow into her body, and by 17, she was beautiful, with razor sharp cheekbones, stormy gray eyes, and a lithe body.
Teel wondered now, as Bobby turned the light off in the master bath and came back to bed, how Keegan would have acted if she’d been the one to see Marin being put in an ambulance and taken away. They weren’t really friends, hadn’t been since second or third grade. But still, there was another layer of shock that wound its way through you when you knew someone involved in a tragedy.
Tragedy. Teel sighed and shook her head. It didn’t have to be a tragedy. Maybe it was an attack of appendicitis or something.
“What?” Bobby asked as he slipped into bed and moved closer to her. Lying on her side, she leaned back against him.
“It doesn’t have to be something awful,” she mumbled.
“I’m sure she’s fine.” He slid his hand over her hip, his fingertips just under the elastic of her panties. “Maybe it was an appendicitis attack or something.”
She turned in his arms then, and his fingers slipped further inside her panties as her lips found and kissed his. Their lovemaking was tender and quiet, and Teel couldn’t help but think, as Bobby moved over her and brought her to the brink, life-affirming.
~
The alarm went off at five, but when Teel rolled over to her back, Bobby was already up. She lifted her head from the pillow to see the sliver of yellow light from under the closed bathroom door. She could join him in the shower. She didn’t want to, though. Not this morning. She turned over on her stomach and thought of the way his hands had touched her just hours ago. The way he always touched her with so much love and need that it almost burned her skin.
The air was running now, and she pulled the comforter up over her shoulders. Snuggled in and closed her eyes. And saw the surreal scene from last night. The ambulance lighting up the neighborhood. The paramedics pushing the gurney over the cobblestone driveway. Jeannie and Rick racing after their daughter who was being taken away in an ambulance.
She sighed and stretched her legs, inviting a Charlie horse into her calf. Quickly, she jumped out of bed and paced around the bed until it eased. It had nothing to do with age, and yet, as she shrugged into her robe and padded out to the kitchen to start the coffee, she couldn’t help but think how it sucked to get old.
The house was dark and quiet, beyond the can lights she dimmed above the kitchen counter. She made a full pot of coffee because lately even Keegan had started drinking a cup before she went to school. Teel wasn’t sure it was necessary, but when picking her battles, this seemed like a lesser one.
She wondered if Rachel had gone to sleep right away after the ambulance had left and they’d all gone back to bed. If Rachel might be more upset than she’d let on. Story of their lives-Rachel folding each life experience into a tiny inch by inch square and tucking it away inside, the way a young girl might hide a small token of love in her blouse, just inside her bra, and close to her heart.
Bobby was done in the shower, but Teel turned and went down the other hall to the girls’ rooms. Keegan’s door was shut, but Teel eased it open silently to check on her. Keegan lay curled into a ball on her right side, and her long eyelashes lay against her cheek. Angel. Teel had always thought both girls looked like angels when they slept. Not really understanding why but feeling it necessary, she leaned over her daughter and listened to her breathe. Touched her lips to Keegan’s temple and then backed away when Keegan stirred and flopped over to lie on her back.
She tiptoed out of the room, even though Keegan would have to get up soon, and went to check on Rachel. Probably she shouldn’t. Probably, since Rachel was 19 and a college student, Teel shouldn’t be allowed these sorts of privileges of motherhood. It was probably not cool for moms to look in on their sleeping, college-student children. And yet, of her daughters, Rachel was the one who would not object to her mom in her room watching her sleep.
Rachel slept on her stomach, arms up under her pillow. Her room, typical of Rachel, was immaculate. The only thing that might be considered out of place was the book on her nightstand, and yet, Rachel was seldom seen without a book, so Teel didn’t really consider the book out of place. Teel walked further into the room to see the title. She enjoyed reading, but she never seemed to have as much time for it as Rachel. It was a huge book, probably at least seven or eight hundred pages. A family saga. Historical fiction. Rachel would read anything. And what thrilled Teel, who had been a teacher for twenty-two years, was the way Rachel wanted to discuss what she read. To dissect everything, though not in a bad way. To understand a character’s motivation. To commiserate with a character when he or she was in an untenable situation. To question a writer’s facts and yet forgive an inaccuracy if the story was compelling.
Content now, after seeing that both girls were okay, Teel went back down the hall. She understood that checking on the girls was a reaction to what she had seen last night. There was no reason either of her girls wouldn’t be okay. The smell of coffee greeted her as she entered the open kitchen and living area. If Rachel had beaten her to it, she’d have made cinnamon coffee. Teel liked it, but Bobby preferred plain black coffee, the stronger, the better.
Bobby stood at his sink in white Jockey briefs. He was still lean and wiry. Teel loved that under his clothes he was hard and muscular, and that it was her little secret. She approached him and pressed her body against his back. He was still hot from the shower.
“Mm.” He closed his eyes and let his head drop back when she slid her arms around him and leaned into nip at his shoulder blade. “Not today, babe. I have a meeting on site in less than an hour.”
“I know.” She drew her hands up over his bare chest and couldn’t resist fanning his nipples with her thumbs. She laughed and stepped away when he groaned.
“You’re wicked,” he said to her and pointed at her in the mirror. She took a towel from the linen closet and hung it on the bar of the shower door.
“Me?” she asked as she slipped her robe off and tossed it on the whirlpool tub. He watched her in the mirror as she took her nightshirt off and let it fall to the floor. Never able to walk away from her when she stood bare-breasted before him, he groaned, turned his shaver off and set it down. He cupped her breasts in his calloused hands and then bent to kiss her.
He was ready, and they might have time for something quick, as they did many mornings before he left for a construction site and she left for school. Teel leaned into him, pressed her breasts against his chest and gave herself to the kiss. Bobby Alexander hadn’t been her first lover, but she’d known after their first time she’d never want another.
“Mom?”
They jumped away from each other when they heard Rachel on the other side of the bathroom door. There was a sharp knock and then Rachel called out to her again.
She sounded upset.
Teel reached for her robe, and Bobby disappeared into his walk-in closet.
“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Teel asked as she cinched her belt around her waist and opened the door. That was another thing that Teel probably shouldn’t do with her college daughter-call her sweetie, as if she was still ten or eleven and Teel could fix her hurts with a bandage or a hug.
Rachel’s eyes were bloodshot, her lashes wet with tears.
Bobby’s closet door opened, and without looking, Teel felt his presence in the room with them.
“What’s wrong, Rach?” he asked. He stood behind Teel now, dressed for work in a pair of Levi shorts and a speckled gray t-shirt.
“It was on the news,” Rachel said softly. Teel watched her eyes fill. Knowing before Rachel even said it, Teel felt her throat tighten with her own tears. “They said she killed herself.”
~~~~
Chapter 3
Teel
Keegan had always been Rachel’s polar opposite. Bobby called her his little sparkplug until she turned ten and insisted that he stop. They’d always joked when she was younger that she was groomed and ready for the Oscars, right down to her acceptance speech. Drama followed her like her own shadow. When she’d fallen from the top bar of their swing set when she was seven, she’d screamed and cried the whole drive to the hospital. Teel had worried that she’d broken her arm or her collarbone or both. The ER doctor, who looked like a cross between Einstein and Teel’s Uncle Dwayne (whom Keegan had always liked) had been gentle and kind, and he’d probably x-rayed every bone in Keegan’s arm and shoulder and elbow and wrist at Teel’s insistence. There were no breaks, just some bruises that Keegan had recovered from by the following weekend.
Four years younger than Rachel, Keegan had spent her fair share of little sister time, worshipping Rachel and following her around. Rachel and her friends had never been particularly mean to Keegan, but they hadn’t ever been especially welcoming either. If Teel had any wishes regarding her daughters, that they had a closer relationship ranked right at the top of the list.
There wasn’t a lot of animosity, not these days anyway. There had been little bouts of sibling rivalry here and there through the years, but it had never been anything Teel couldn’t handle. But since Keegan had started high school, Teel would like to have seen more of those little spats. As it was, her girls lived in their house like two strangers who happened to rent rooms from the same landlord.
When Keegan was in sixth grade, she and two of her friends had gotten into a fight on the playground. Not just a trading insults and bad words fight, but scratching and hair-pulling, too. Keegan had sworn she was just defending her friend Hannah to their mutual friend Jennifer. The three of them had spent three afternoons in detention writing one essay about the value of friendship and working together. On the afternoon of the third day of detention, Keegan had come home so angry with her teacher and the principal (and still with Jennifer) that she’d sulked down the hall to her room and slammed the door shut. When she’d refused to come out for dinner later that evening and Teel had gone to her room to get her, she’d found Keegan sitting on her bed, weeping, missing half the hair on her head.
Shocked, Teel had said nothing. Instead she’d stood and surveyed the piles of her daughter’s hair on the bed and the floor and the scissors in her hands. For just a moment, Teel had worried that maybe the cutting episode wouldn’t be over with just her hair. Though crying, Keegan stared at the scissors in her hand as if mesmerized by what she (and by extension, they) had done or maybe, what they could do. What if, God help her, she hadn’t come in at just this moment to get Keegan for dinner, and the girl had started cutting something else? Like the pale flesh on her arms or legs.
Or what if, Teel’s mind had roped her in and dragged her down that road even though Teel desperately didn’t want to go there, what if Keegan had cut her wrist? Dug in hard enough to find the blue veins there?
“Mommy,” Keegan had wailed and pushed Teel into motion. “Mommy, it was her fault!” Keegan cried.
Until that moment, Teel had always thought of herself as a decent mother. She would never have nominated herself for mother of the year, but she wasn’t so bad, and she loved her girls with every beat of her heart.
“Keegan, sweetheart,” she’d said quietly, and afraid to move and scare her, but afraid to stand still and let those damned scissors start cutting again, Teel had moved to sit by her on the bed. “What did you do? Why didn’t you just talk to me?”
“I tried to,” Keegan answered as she swiped her hand over her eyes, bringing the point of the scissors far closer to her face and her eyes than was comfortable for Teel to see. “You didn’t listen. You said the three of us shouldn’t have acted that way on the playground.”
“You shouldn’t have, honey.” Teel had taken the scissors, just like that. Covered Keegan’s hand with her own and forcibly taken the scissors. “You know that. That’s no reason to do this.”
That hadn’t been the right thing to say, either, and then Teel had to gather her daughter in her arms and hold her. The tears, the tantrum as Bobby referred to it, lasted another fifteen minutes at the least. When at last Teel and Keegan had joined Bobby and Rachel for dinner, their rice was cold and clumped and their meat was tough and dry.
Bobby had suggested that maybe Keegan needed a little more punishment. Maybe she needed to be grounded, but Teel had insisted this was punishment enough. Detention. And now this uneven, shaggy haircut.
Teel picked up her coffee cup and took a big drink. The coffee had long since gone cold and bitter, but she drank it anyway. The caffeine couldn’t hurt. She wondered now if she’d handled that episode all wrong. If she should have punished Keegan for her impulsive behavior. For the tantrum. If instead of whisking her to the mall to have a stylist save her daughter and finish what she’d started (Keegan had gone to school with a very chic, fashionable haircut the next day,) maybe she should have made her go with her hair shaggy from her own hatchet job.
“Teel?”
She looked up when she heard the tap on her classroom door. Too exhausted to move, Teel nodded to her friend Maggie Hammond to come in. Since this morning, since learning that the girl down the street from them had killed herself, Teel had felt like there was a ton of lead in her ass and she could hardly move.
Maggie Hammond was probably only two or three years younger than Teel, but today, she looked as if she might be fifteen years younger, mostly because Teel felt like she could be fifteen years older. Maggie carried her own cup, but Teel knew it was tea and not coffee.
“Hey.” Maggie, who taught fourth grade, sat on the stool behind Teel’s podium and studied her. “You look like hell.”
Teel didn’t have any sarcasm in her to answer Maggie. She hadn’t talked to Maggie yet this morning, because she hadn’t graced the teacher’s lounge with her presence. She’d barely been able to function to put her make-up on, style her hair, and find something to wear.
On top of everything else at war inside her, and she was still puzzling all of that out, she felt guilty. And not just because her two daughters were alive and well, while Jeannie English’s only child was dead. But because it was all she could think about, as if living down the street from them was enough to make her close enough to feel shock and grief. Probably, being an old childhood friend’s mother and being a neighbor didn’t entitle her to this level of despair and yet there it was. The thought of pretty little Marin English killing herself hurt Teel so deeply; she knew it would never really go away.
Jeannie English might want to tell her to go to hell, because how could she possibly know what this sort of loss felt like. Whatever it was that was pulling Teel under and dragging her around and beating her against the rocks in the undertow, it sure as hell couldn’t be grief because her children were okay.
“I can’t get my head around this,” Teel mumbled. “I can’t process this.”
When Maggie didn’t answer her immediately, Teel glanced up at her. They’d been colleagues for a good fifteen years, and somewhere in the past ten, they’d come to be close friends. The only person she talked to and trusted as much (besides Bobby, of course) as Maggie was her sister. Maggie leaned her left elbow on the podium and rested her chin in her hand. She held her tea cup in her other hand. She reminded Teel of a sprite, petite and usually lively and bubbly. Today, though, she was quiet, maybe saddened by Marin’s suicide as Teel was.
Because a child’s death was universally wrong. Didn’t matter if you knew the child or the family, it was just wrong. Maggie had known Marin when she was much younger, when Keegan and Marin had been friends. Teel had brought Keegan to school with her occasionally in those late summer days when she came in to get her classroom ready. Back in those days, Keegan and Marin had been inseparable, and so Keegan and Marin would race the halls and draw pictures on Teel’s chalkboard while Teel and Maggie alternately worked on their classrooms and talked about their summers.
“I know,” Maggie answered. “I just wish kids could get that it’s temporary. Whatever it is, it’s temporary. Things’ll always get better.”
Teel agreed with Maggie, but she couldn’t find her voice. She had a feeling she could talk about this until she ran out of words, and her voice was used up, and her face and lips were blue. She would never get her head wrapped around this. She wanted to change it. As always with death, she wanted to deny this. Deny that it was possible. Surely, the doctors were mistaken. Surely, Marin was just sleeping.
And if that wasn’t possible, if denying it away and proving the doctors were wrong wasn’t possible, then Teel wanted to turn back time. To call Jeannie English at just the moment before it happened and tell her to check on Marin. Bobby had built all but three of the houses in their neighborhood, and Teel had walked the halls of every house he built and she knew the layout of the English house. She knew how long it would take Jeannie to get from the master bedroom to Marin’s room, from the kitchen to Marin’s room, from anywhere in that house to Marin’s room.
“How’s Keegan?” Maggie asked and roused Teel out of her thoughts.
Teel swallowed the last of her cold coffee, set her mug on her desk and stood up. Rachel had cried. Nothing over the top, but she had cried and burrowed into Teel’s arms, needing comfort.
Impulsive, rambunctious, and melodramatic Keegan had stared at Teel when she told her. Dry-eyed. Dead-pan face. No comments.
“I don’t know, Mags,” Teel finally said. “I have no idea.”
~~~~
Chapter 4
Keegan
Wasn’t it just like her mother to make her go to school today? In one breath, she told her Marin English was dead and then in the next, she directed her to the shower to get ready for school. Keegan guessed being a “Once Upon A Time Friend” to a dead girl didn’t really qualify anyone for grief.
Not that she felt bad about Marin. Well…right now, she didn’t really feel much of anything about anything. She’d showered and done her hair and put eyeliner and eye shadow on and bumped into Rachel in the hall and then gone back to her room and dressed in skinny-legged school pants and an oversized school sweatshirt. She’d hoped her mom’s mind was too preoccupied to notice the sweatshirt; it was against dress code, but Keegan didn’t care.
Mom noticed, though and sent her back to her room to change. Keegan hated school, and she kind of hated all of her teachers, except Fr. Dean (James Dean, and he kind of looked like that old actor, too.) Fr. Dean was her English teacher, and even though Keegan liked Fr. Dean, she sure didn’t love English class.
It didn’t help that she was Rachel Alexander’s little sister. Keegan brought home an occasional B, in the midst of As, but Rachel’s GPA was damned near perfect. Not to mention that Rachel was more self-controlled and even-keeled and pleasant to be around.
And then throw in the fact that Mom was a teacher in the Catholic school system, and everyone and their stupid dog at the high school loved her, and you had the final nail in the coffin for Keegan.
Okay, so, maybe that was a little tasteless. The coffin image wasn’t really something Keegan wanted to think about. She’d put on a sweater and then stared at a piece of toast for about fifteen minutes before she followed her mom out to the car to leave for school.
She braced herself, figuring her mom would hammer at her about Marin. In fact, she was so worried that her mom would bring that whole deal up, her stomach hurt and she hadn’t eaten the toast and had nothing in there to throw up.
But Mom hadn’t said a word. Nothing. Keegan was relieved at first, but then she decided it was actually worse than having her mom talk to her. Ask her about Marin-if Keegan had known something was wrong, if Marin had been acting funny.
Keegan had her white slip. Most days she drove to school and then when she got out, Mom came around to the other side and drove on to her school. But today, Mom was driving. On auto-pilot. It was okay, though. Keegan didn’t feel much like driving anyway. Instead she’d sat with her backpack between her feet and stared at her hands folded in her lap. Her fingernails looked terrible. She had a hangnail on her thumb that was probably infected. She chewed on it all of the time; her mom was constantly ragging on her about that. So if the hangnail was infected and Keegan chewed on it, did that mean an infection could get inside her? Make her sick?
Sick enough to die?
Keegan stole several quick glances at Mom on the way to school. She looked old; Keegan felt a little sicker when she saw how there were more years on her mom’s face today. It wasn’t like wrinkles or age spots, but there was just something that made Mom look exhausted and old and worn.
She’d looked away then, because even if she did get sick of her mom, she loved her. And she knew it wasn’t nice to think of a parent as worn or old. Her eyes were bloodshot, and Keegan knew she and Rachel had cried this morning about Marin.
But this seemed like more. Like her mom could hardly look at her. Like it was Keegan that was upsetting her.
What could her mom know that would make her not want to look at her?
When her mom turned into the school lot, Keegan took a deep breath, wiped her clammy hands on her pants, and opened the door before the car was even stopped. Her mom might have mumbled goodbye, but she wasn’t sure. Keegan had grabbed her backpack and slammed the door and walked straight into school and into the bathroom.
She tossed her glass of juice and then stood there in the stall shaking and trying to throw up more, but there just wasn’t anything. Her legs felt like noodles, so she leaned up against the cold, beige metal partition. When she was at home, and she got sick, her mom took care of her. She’d rub her back or hold her hair out of the way and then get her a drink of water to rinse her mouth out. Once when Mom hadn’t been home, Rachel had stepped in and taken care of her. It was the first time she’d ever really felt like Rachel liked her.
Keegan braced herself when the outer door opened. She heard the buzz of conversation and lockers opening and closing in the halls, and then the door closed.
“I heard she swallowed a bottle of pills.”
“Really? I heard she hung herself.”
Keegan rolled her head on the stall wall and closed her eyes. God. Let the rumors begin. She didn’t want to hear this. She didn’t give a damn who they were talking about; it wasn’t that she felt any loyalty to Marin. She just didn’t want to hear this.
And anyway, how the hell would anyone know? The news people hadn’t said jack about how she did it. Only that she had died, an apparent suicide.
“I heard we’re going to have a prayer service for her later today.”
Keegan struggled to identify the voices outside her stall. She was pretty sure one of them was Tiffany Holmes, but she couldn’t tell who the other one was. Tiffany was what all of Mom’s books on teenage girls and self-confidence and bullying would refer to as a queen bee. So no doubt whoever she was talking to would be one of her little worker bees. Some wanna be.
People that bullied people like Marin and pushed her until she killed herself.
Except that Keegan knew it wasn’t Tiffany this time.
“I heard Mr. Laughlin talking about giving all of us time to talk to the school counselor. To deal with the grief.”
Keegan rolled her eyes. So Tiffany and her posse were going to take that road, huh? They’d probably play this for all it was worth, and Keegan thought that was just as bad or worse than bullying someone to death. Ride the coattails of her suicide to get attention for themselves. It seemed a little like rape to Keegan.
Her stomach churned violently, and she quickly leaned over the institutional black-seated, white bodied toilet and vomited something. Since there was no food inside her (she’d hardly touched her dinner the night before) Keegan wondered if maybe it was a lung or something.
The air was heavy with sudden silence. Tiffany and whoever was with her-Brandy Borrowman?-were probably now freaking out about who had overheard their conversation. Either that or figuring out how to add a little more drama to make themselves look even better.
Keegan lifted a shaky hand to her mouth and wiped a little spot of puke from the corner of her lips. She ripped a square of toilet paper off and cleaned her finger and then threw it in the toilet.
“Keegan? Is that you?”
So they must have squatted down to check out her shoes (beat up gray and purple Pumas) and her backpack (orange and white.) Her stomach still roiled, and now her head pounded, but she’d made her presence known and Tiffany and Brandy-she was pretty sure now it was Brandy-weren’t going to walk out of here until she answered them.
“Yeah.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Keegan lied. She flushed the toilet and then took a deep breath. There was no way in hell she was going to make it through this day.
“Honey, did you throw up?”
Puke. She could puke again just from Tiffany calling her honey. She hated when anyone called her cutesy names like that, except Mom and even then it still grated on her nerves sometimes. Tiffany Holmes called everyone hon or sweetie, and it was so fake, it drove Keegan crazy.
Keegan took more toilet paper and blew her nose. She hated how when you puked, it ended up feeling like you had some in your nose and you had to blow it to clear it. She dropped that piece of sandpapery toilet paper into the toilet, flushed again, and reached for the latch on the door.
“Hey.” Tiffany stepped closer to her and put her arm around her shoulders. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Fine.” Keegan nodded. She pushed past Brandy to get to the sink and washed her hands. A toothbrush would make her feel a little better. Or a cup to rinse her mouth out. No way she could just lean over the sink and use her hand to cup water to her mouth. Not with these two divas watching her. And yet, she couldn’t just walk around all day with the taste of puke in her mouth.
“Here.”
Brandy handed her a bottle of water. Keegan raised an eyebrow, surprised by the offer. When she didn’t immediately take it, Brandy popped the seal and unscrewed the cap.
“Thanks.”
Still kind of awkward rinsing her mouth out in front of them after they’d heard her puking just a few minutes ago, but she had to do it. Screw them if they got off on invading someone’s privacy that way.
“I’m so sorry about Marin,” Tiffany said as Keegan took another big drink. “You were friends with her, weren’t you?”
“No.” Keegan spit that mouthful out in the sink and then rinsed the sink out.
“I thought you were. Like, in grade school or something.”
Keegan stood up straight and looked Tiffany in the eye. Gray eyes. Dark blue eyeliner and tons of eye shadow and mascara that made her lashes look like some kind of model. Tiffany was gorgeous, but it was only skin deep. Keegan knew the minute she walked out of this bathroom, Tiffany would tell everyone she’d heard Keegan Alexander puking in the bathroom. That Keegan was a wreck about Marin.
Which wasn’t even true, but then most rumors weren’t.
“Yeah, well, I wasn’t.” Keegan picked her backpack up and slung it over her shoulder. She walked out of the bathroom and braced herself for the rest of the day.
Keegan ignored the group of kids gathered around Marin’s locker, just four to the right of her own. They were all chanting something, and as Keegan swung her own door open, she realized they were praying. Jesus, she thought. Someone dies, and all the freaks come out.
“I cannot f-ing believe this.”
Keegan didn’t look up when she heard Jess Levine’s voice behind her. She did roll her eyes, because it irked her that Jess wanted to use the F word, but didn’t have the guts. She grabbed her biology lab manual and her Spanish workbook and shoved her backpack into her locker before closing it.
“Can you? I mean, why would she do it?”
“I don’t know.” Keegan wished Jess would back off a bit. She was in her face, and suddenly Keegan couldn’t breathe. God, what if she puked right here in the hall? Or passed out?
“What’re they doing?” Keegan glanced back at Jess. There were papers taped all over Marin’s locker, but Keegan couldn’t tell what they were.
“Marin’s friend Kate kind of made a little shrine by her locker,” Jess said quietly. “It’s so sad.”
Keegan resisted the urge to roll her eyes again.
“I still can’t f-ing believe she killed herself. Why didn’t she just talk to someone?”
“I don’t know,” Keegan answered. She had biology first hour, and she was desperate to escape the growing crowd in the halls. But Jess grabbed her elbow and steered her back toward the crowd. “What?”
“You gotta sign the card,” Jess told her. “There’s a card there for Marin’s family. Aren’t you gonna sign the card?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Keegan mumbled as she yanked her arm away from Jess’s grip. “I’ll sign the fucking card.”
~~~~
Chapter 5
Teel
The doorbell and the phone rang at the same time. Teel sat still at the kitchen table and willed someone else to magically answer both. She was still bone-tired or something, and she knew instinctually it was actually or something. Still shock. Sickened and saddened by such a senseless loss. Grief for a life snuffed out way too damned early. Sympathy for Jeannie and Rick.
No one was going to suddenly appear and answer the door or the phone. No one was around to run interference. Teel had to laugh humorlessly at that one. Run interference? Who did she think she was? She was just a neighbor for God’s sake. Since when did neighbors of grieving families need someone to run interference for them?
Rachel was still in class. Modern German History, if her memory served, and Teel wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t. Bobby was still working, and Keegan had disappeared into her room the second she’d walked into the house after school. Teel had gone down the hall and stared at her closed door for several long minutes. Knock? Ask her how her day was? Give her some space? At what point did a parent stop worrying about her own child after her child’s acquaintance committed suicide?
In the end, she’d given Keegan her space and left her alone. Except really, she’d walked away to give herself some space. Some alone time. Although she’d felt isolated at school all day. Even with Maggie coming in to check on her now and then. Even with her other colleagues sharing her shock and her sadness over the news.
She snagged the phone as she hurried to the front door.
“Hello?”
She was amazed that she sounded normal. Friendly. Happy. She supposed that until this morning, she’d been a regular Pollyana and while she was usually greeted with smiles and friendly hellos, maybe people got sick of her. Maybe people got sick of her smile and her contentedness.
“Teel?”
“Yes.” The caller couldn’t possibly sense that she was irritated with herself for not checking caller ID before she’d answered. She was in no mood for small talk. Ironically, she wished it was a telemarketer, because then maybe she could actually be rude and just hang up.
“Teel, this is Elaine Caldwell from Blessed Sacrament.”
Keegan’s school counselor? Calling here? Immediately, Teel’s heart was in her throat and then it kind of exploded out of her throat and into her mouth, and she felt like she was chewing it as she pulled the front door open. Why was the counselor calling?
She hadn’t heard a peep from Keegan since she’d come home an hour ago.
Glad to see her sister standing on the front porch, Teel waved her in and then hurried down the hall. She didn’t want to go in all gang-busters and freak Keegan out, but on the other hand, she was the mom and she was scared. She turned the handle and pushed the door open, and for a moment, her heart stopped beating. What if?
She imagined Jeannie walking into Marin’s room and finding her daughter dead.
Keegan appeared to be sleeping. Teel stood and watched the steady rise and fall of her chest. Relieved beyond reason, Teel slumped against the closet door behind her.
Thankyouthankyouthankyou
But what if she’d taken something? Was there anything in the house that was dangerous? Could she have overdosed?
“Teel?” Elaine Caldwell again, no doubt wondering if their connection was bad.
Teel shot up straight to look for any evidence that Keegan might have taken something. An empty pill bottle, maybe. The closet door rattled, and Keegan jumped awake. She looked like she’d been on a three day bender, her bloodshot eyes just about the only color in her face.
“God, Mom, get out,” she groaned and rolled over to bury her face in her pillow.
Too relieved to be angry or hurt by Keegan’s rudeness, Teel walked out of the room but left the door open.
“Yes, Elaine,” Teel finally answered, “I’m sorry. Someone rang the doorbell.”
Teel watched Eve, at home in her kitchen. Eve, younger by four years (the same age difference as Rachel and Keegan, though Teel and Eve had always been close,) had been the one to nickname Teel. At two when she was learning to talk, Toniel had come out as Teel, and the name had stuck. Thirty-seven years later, Teel was only Toniel on legal documents. To everyone else in her life, she was Teel or Mrs. Alexander.
Eve, taller than Teel by an inch or two and brunette (Eve looked like their mom; Teel more like their dad) with brown eyes, had a heart big enough to mother a school full of children, no children of her own to put inside that heart, and an ex-husband that smoked two packs of Camels a day.
“…concerned about Keegan.”
Teel shook her head to clear it and turned away from Eve.
“Why are you concerned about Keegan?”
Well, no kidding, Teel was concerned about Keegan too. But something must have happened at school for Elaine Caldwell to be calling her.
“Mr. Laughlin arranged for any of the kids to come and talk to us about Marin any time through the day. Keegan didn’t come in.”
Teel sighed. Was that all? Because Keegan didn’t want to talk to the school counselor something was wrong? Of course Keegan was going to have to break at some point and talk to someone, but Teel was a little irritated to get a call like this on day one.
“Well, maybe she’s not ready to talk about it.” Even after justifying it in her head, this sounded lame, even to Teel.
“That’s true, and that’s fine. There were several students who didn’t.”
“And are you calling all of their parents?” Teel hoped she didn’t sound as defensive as she felt. She and Elaine Caldwell weren’t exactly friendly, but she didn’t need to be rude.
“No. But there were rumors that she got sick this morning.”
“You’re calling me based on rumors another student probably started that my daughter got sick at school?”
Teel looked over her shoulder at Eve and shook her head. Eve raised her eyebrows and lifted a bottle of wine suggestively. Teel noticed she’d set out two glasses. A glass of wine might just knock her on her ass right now, because she hadn’t been able to eat anything other than her breakfast cereal this morning. But she nodded anyway and then turned her attention back to the woman on the phone.
“Well, Keegan skipped her last two classes,” Elaine told her. “I just wanted to let you know what was going on. Sometimes teens aren’t very forthcoming with their parents.”
Teel took a moment to think about Elaine’s words. Professionally, she knew Elaine was right and well within her obligation to call Teel and share her concerns. And yet, as a parent, any insinuation that her child might be keeping things from her made her mad as hell.
“I appreciate your call, Elaine,” she said, proud of herself for tamping down the flare of anger and defensiveness again.
“Teel, I don’t mean to imply anything,” Elaine said quietly. “We’ve had a tragedy at school. It’s the first time we’ve ever had a student commit suicide. I have no idea what state of mind Keegan’s in. I just know that she and Marin did have classes together, and that some of her behavior lately has sent up some red flags for some faculty.”
Her behavior lately?
“Thank you.”
“Please let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
“Thank you. I will.”
As soon as she hung up, Eve took the phone from her hand and exchanged it for a glass of white wine.
“Drink.”
Teel took a healthy swallow and laughed without humor. “I haven’t eaten anything today but a bowl of raisin bran.”
“Then sip,” Eve corrected herself.
“What’s going on, Eve? What the hell is going on?”
“Who was on the phone?” Eve sat on one of the backless stools at the kitchen island. Teel ran her fingers through her hair and then rubbed her forehead with her fingertips.
“Elaine Caldwell. The counselor at Blessed Sacrament.”
“Oh poor baby,” Eve whispered. She pushed her glass just out of the way and leaned over to hug Teel. “Keegan’s not taking this well? I was so worried about her when I heard it this morning.”
Grateful for the comfort, Teel let herself sink into Eve’s embrace, but only for a moment. She couldn’t afford to fall apart right now. Not if she was going to drag her daughter out here and make her talk. She could fall apart later, when Bobby was home and the girls were in bed.
“Keegan was fine when I told her this morning,” she mumbled as she pulled away from Eve and backed up to sit on the stool next to Eve’s.
“Fine?”
“Dry-eyed. Almost bored.”
“That doesn’t sound like Keegan.”
Again Teel sighed and pushed her hair back from her face. This time she left her hands on her head and fingers in her hair and looked up at Eve. “Not at all.”
“Maybe she’s in shock. It might take a while for it to hit her.”
“Well, there were rumors going around today that she got sick at school this morning. And she skipped her last two classes this afternoon.”
Eve flinched but said nothing.
“I don’t know how to handle this, Eve,” Teel admitted. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Maybe you do nothing,” Eve suggested. “Maybe you wait for her to come to you.”
“And if she doesn’t?”
“Keegan’s not gonna do anything stupid, Teel.”
Teel shrugged and looked away from her sister’s heavy stare. “I bet Jeannie would have said the same thing about Marin yesterday at this time.”
Eve nodded, but then she seemed to change her mind. She shrugged and shook her head.
“You can’t know that.” She sipped from her own glass of wine. “You have no idea what was going on in that house. What led up to this.”
“True.” Teel stood, picked up her glass and walked across the large, open living room. She glanced at the deck. It was a beautiful day. They should go outside. But she was too tired to walk another step, and the couch sounded more comfortable. She sat and propped her feet up on the big, round coffee table.
It’s just so damned scary,” she mumbled.
“Of course it is,” Eve agreed with her. She picked up her glass and joined Teel on the couch. “Every parent in the city is going to be triple-checking on their kids every night for a while.”
Teel thought about what Elaine had said. Keegan’s behavior sending up red flags to the faculty lately? She wanted to talk about it, but maybe she shouldn’t. Eve might tell her she was imagining the worst, and she needed to settle down because Keegan was going to read this fear inside her immediately, and that could make things worse.
“How’s Dennis?”
Eve snorted and laughed at the mention of her ex-husband. “Dennis is Dennis. Why would he ever change?”
“Are you still sleeping with him?”
“Do you really wanna know?”
Teel laughed, glad for the change of subject. Something a little lighter, like her little sister’s divorce.
“Well, his lack of change might be due to the fact that he’s still getting the best part of you. For free.”
“How do you know that’s the best part of me?” Eve arched an eyebrow at Teel over her wine glass.
“I heard all those rumors when we were younger.”
“Toniel Alexander!” Eve laughed so loud, she covered her mouth and glanced over her shoulder, obviously wondering if Keegan had heard her.
Teel took a drink and laid her head back on the crème microfiber couch. The room was very soothing, the walls a flat, pale celery and the floor an oak hardwood. She and Bobby had found an area rug with muted greens and sand tones and crème, which really pulled the room together. The cathedral ceiling and the wall of windows in the back of the house created a huge space where it was possible to unwind and still have room for other people.
“Thanks, Eve.”
Eve set her glass on the coffee table and scooted closer to Teel. Teel laid her head on Eve’s shoulder and thought again about what Elaine Caldwell had said.
~~~~
Chapter 6
Rachel
All day, people talked about it. Rachel didn’t get it. Marin was a high school kid. Why did they have to discuss her suicide in every damned class? Sometimes her professors had even picked up on the thread of conversation and just stopped lecturing and said maybe it was more important to address the Marin English story.
Okay, of course, Rachel got it. How could she not get it? She’d never heard of anyone doing this here, not as far back as she could remember. Six kids had died through her school years; she’d counted them this morning in her rhetoric class. Two were sick with cancer, one when Rachel was just in second grade. The boy who died was in eighth grade. And then a girl from the public high school died when Rachel was a freshman. She had some kind of cancer, too. That right there was weird enough. Two kids from public schools had died in two separate accidents when she was in grade school. And then when she was sixteen, two kids from her school had been killed in a car accident. Drunk driving, so of course Rachel had listened to her mom lecture for hours on end about drinking and driving.