"Rhys Hughes seems almost the sum of our planet's literature... As well as being drunk on language and wild imagery, he is also sober on the essentials of thought… He's as tricky as his own characters... He toys with convention. He makes the metaphysical political, the personal incredible and the comic hints at subtle pain. Few living fictioneers approach this chef's sardonic confections, certainly not in English." — MICHAEL MOORCOCK
"Hughes' world is a magical one, and his language is the most magical thing of all." — T.E.D. KLEIN
“It’s a crime that Rhys Hughes is not as widely known as Italo Calvino and other writers of that stature. Brilliantly written and conceived, Hughes’ fiction has few parallels anywhere in the world. In some alternate universe with a better sense of justice, his work triumphantly parades across all bestseller lists.” — JEFF VANDERMEER
“Very personal... personal as in the sense of epitomising the author, as I might describe Vertigo as Hitchcock’s most personal film...” — RAMSEY CAMPBELL
"Rhys Hughes is an accomplished player with words, plots, effects, relationships, sensibilities; you name it, Hughes tries to stand it on its head. More often than seems attributable to mere chance, he succeeds." — ED BRYANT, LOCUS
Fables of Rhysop
One hundred and fifty
unhelpful and irresponsible fables
for the modern age
plus
another with Turkish coffee
and a couple of non-fable fables too
by
Rhys Hughes
(a man who was a toucan
in a previous life)
Published By Gloomy Seahorse Press at Smashwords
Copyright 2012 Rhys Hughes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
This book is dedicated to
Allyson Bird
A dedicated follower of my daft fables
and a fine writer
in her own write – I mean right!
Also to
the memory of:
Igor Stravinsky
A fine composer in his own Rite
and
Orville & Wilbur
Fine aviation pioneers in their own Wright
“An orator was once addressing the people of Athens, and since they paid little attention to what he was saying he asked them for permission to tell one of Aesop's Fables. On obtaining their consent he began “The goddess Demeter was once travelling in the company of a swallow and an eel. When they reached the bank of a river, the swallow flew up in the air and the eel plunged into the water.” At this point he stopped. “Well,” asked the people of Athens, “what about Demeter?” “She did nothing,” came the reply, “because she was so angry with you lot for wasting time listening to Aesop's Fables.”
Aesop’s Fables (number 96 in Chambry's edition of 1926)
Table of Contents
Hello! How are you?
We all know that Aesop wrote fables; but he wasn’t the only one. Hesiod and Archilochus preceded him, and a great many authors came after him. For example, the Panchatantra is an Indian collection of animal fables that was written down in the 3rd Century BC, possibly by the writer Vishnu Sharma. For centuries afterwards, other authors also attempted the composition of fables.
Phaedrus, the Roman fabulist, flourished in the 1st Century AD and was the first to write fables in Latin; Vardan Aygektsi was an Armenian priest who wrote fables in the 13th Century; Leonardo Da Vinci made his own contribution to the genre two hundred years later; and let us not forget Jean de la Fontaine, the most sophisticated fabulist of them all, who turned Aesop into delightful verse in the 17th Century.
Those are just a few authors who have accepted the challenge of writing fables. There were many others. Fables are for everyone. There’s no reason why we can’t all be fabulists! How fabulous is that?
So please find here a selection of my own fables. In keeping with tradition, each one is followed by a brief moral; but most of my morals are amoral or even immoral. Unlike the authors mentioned above, I have decided to write a set of irresponsible fables…
Irresponsibility gets a bad press. But an irresponsible action can be just as potent a gesture of defiance against authority as more controlled and rational opposition. In the particular case of these fables, ‘authority’ includes moral fabulists: all those sages and gurus who pretend to have the answers to the meaning of life.
There are no answers to life, because life isn’t a question…
Anyway, I hope you will enjoy what follows and that you will find at least some wit and wisdom (or anti-wisdom) in my fables. There are 150 of them and if you fail to find the sequence entertaining, kindly remember this other fable that I made up just now:
There once was a reader who didn’t like the fables that he read. He was so dismayed that he began shouting and waving his arms. The vibrations of his tantrum caused all the heavy pots and pans on the shelf above him to fall onto his head. As he lay in agony on the floor, bleeding from a serious head wound, he lamented to himself, “How I wish I had been less pompous and critical! But now it’s too late for such regrets and I am doomed!”
Thanks for listening!
1
POLISHING OFF THE BOSS
A business tycoon who owned a large warehouse full of machines, tools and assorted implements hired a casual labourer to clean the merchandise so it could be sold at a higher price. "Polish every item but make sure you buff the undersides as well," he said.
The casual labourer stepped inside the warehouse and was astonished at the clutter he beheld. To save time he decided to dig a tunnel under the warehouse and excavate a large cavern there, so that he might clean the specified undersides with less trouble.
Shortly after this task was completed, the business tycoon entered the warehouse to inspect the casual labourer's work. The weight of his body was just enough to cause the weakened floor to give way and he was sent plummeting into the empty space below.
¶ If you give vague instructions to an amateur, sooner or later you will find yourself falling fatally into a hole.
2
SALAD DAYS
A fox and a carrot were the best of friends. One day the carrot said, "Our friendship must finally come to an end. My master told me that he plans to grate me over his next salad and splash me with oil and vinegar. Such an honour has elevated my status to the point where I should no longer be seen in your company. So farewell!"
The fox was filled with envy at these words and, unbeknownst to the carrot, he crept into the master's house and curled up tightly in the salad bowl. But when the master returned home and saw him there, he chased him away with curses and howls!
¶ Just because something is an orangey-red colour doesn't mean it goes well with lettuce and cucumber.
3
NOTHING TO CROW ABOUT
A crow sitting on the branch of an oak was amazed when a scarecrow sat at the base of the tree and began unwrapping a cloth that contained all the ingredients of a picnic. "Hey, are you willing to share any of that?" cried the crow, more as a joke than a serious question, for he didn't believe the scarecrow would be happy to give part of his feast to the very creature he was supposed to scare away. "Certainly," replied the scarecrow, "you can have the cheese and olives. I don't like them but my wife always includes them when she makes a packed lunch."
¶ Enemies may sometimes be willing to share the good things of life, but only if they are characters in a fable.
4
THE CARAVAN
A camel that was drinking water from a pool in an oasis was approached by a merchant. "Would you like to join our caravan? We are travelling to the fabled city of Samarkand and we need as many camels as possible. I can promise an interesting journey."
The camel raised his head. "What make is it?"
The merchant frowned. "Pardon?"
"The caravan. What make is it? Does it have its own electricity? How big is it inside? How many wheels does it possess? Will I have a berth to myself or must I share with others?"
The merchant tugged at his pointed beard. "Actually it's not that sort of caravan." And he explained the original meaning of the word to the camel, who rolled his eyes and said:
"What! You expect me to walk all the way to Samarkand and carry your things for you too? No thanks!"
¶ Don't give camels the hump.
5
SOMETHING FISHY
An odd-job man called Tim was in the habit of wandering the land with a fish in a bowl of salt water. The fish was a large flatfish. Tim was willing to do all kinds of work. One day an astronomer asked him to fix his radio telescope. Tim tried hard but had to admit defeat. The next day he went back to try again, but discovered that the radio telescope had already been fixed by another odd-job man who was also called Tim and who also had a fish in a bowl of salt water. "Don't be too upset," said the second Tim to the first. "Just because we have the same name and the same kind of fish doesn't mean we have equal abilities."
¶ There is a Tim and a plaice for everything.
6
BENDING THE KNEE
A group of creatures sat on a wall watching the sunset. The wall had been constructed to stop the sand from the beach blowing over the fields where crops grew. The scene was beautiful.
The hare said, "Let's jump down and dance for joy."
And that's exactly what he did.
The weasel cried, "I'm coming too!" and he also jumped down. So did the fox, cat, monkey, grasshopper and aardvark. They capered in the ruby light and their shadows on the beach were amazingly long. The millipede was scared and remained on the wall.
"It's a long way down," he said nervously.
The hare said, "Don't worry. It won't hurt if you just bend your knees when you land to absorb the impact."
"Bend my knees!" exclaimed the millipede. "But it's almost evening. I don't have all day, you know!"
¶ What has a million legs? One thousand millipedes.
7
BATHTIME FOR MOONS
A crescent moon was feeling tired, so he decided to have a nice dip in the Pacific Ocean. He lay back on his curve and just floated there without a care in the world or a care in the moon.
But an iceberg happened to pass along and when it saw the moon it couldn't believe its eyes, partly because it didn't have any eyes and partly because it had no belief. Yet it was amazed.
"Oh my!" it muttered to itself. "Look at the size of that banana!"
¶ It's easier than you might think to confuse fruit with celestial bodies. How can you be sure the sun isn't just a grapefruit?
8
AN HORRIFIC OUTCOME
A horror writer at a literary convention was bragging about his ability to frighten people. "I am the weaver of nightmares!" he declared. "I am the lurker on the threshold of the night lands! I have peered into the abyss of ultimate terror and flinched not at what I saw! I am the monger of visions beyond the ken of mortal man, yea beyond the ken and also beyond the keith and malcolm. I am the envoy of the amorphous force that dwells in the spaces between the stars and toys with the destiny of mortals in the same way an overwrought metaphor toys with a grandiose comparison. I am the messenger of morbid menace!"
The person he addressed these words to was embarrassed and tried to change the topic of conversation by asking, "Are you planning on going anywhere nice for your summer holidays? Somewhere abroad, maybe? Flights are very cheap at the moment."
But the horror writer suddenly turned pale and began trembling. "Oh no! I can't do that. I'm scared of flying!"
¶ Writers are full of crap.
9
CIRCUIT TRAINING
The inherent processes of an electronic circuit began grumbling to each other. "Why are you always so negative?" Input demanded of Feedback, who responded with the words, "It's just my destiny, I can't help it." But Output wasn't ready to accept that explanation and sniffed, "It's because he's a control-freak, that's why!"
¶ A bad process always blames its definition.
10
A WOBBLY DISPUTE
A pair of buttocks was arguing with a pair of breasts. "Everyone knows that the capital of Australia is Melbourne," insisted the buttocks. "No, it's not," snapped the breasts. "Yes it is!" cried the buttocks, growing heated. "I tell you that it isn't," retorted the breasts. "Then," growled the buttocks, "it must be Sydney instead." "That's also wrong," said the breasts. "How can that be?" demanded the buttocks. "You don't know everything about geography," sneered the breasts. "You don't seriously expect me to believe that the capital of Australia is Adelaide?" gasped the buttocks. "No, I don't, because that's not right either," said the breasts. "I hate you," said the buttocks. "Bugger off," said the breasts.
¶ Some fables, like this one, are pointless and stupid.
11
TELLING THE TELLERS