So This Is Strange?
Five Stories of Humor, Fantasy, and a Little Hint of Sex
Dee W. Schofield
Copyright Information
So This Is Strange?
Copyright © 2012 by Dee W. Schofield
All stories Copyright © 2012
Published by WMG Publishing
Cover Design copyright © 2012 WMG Publishing
Cover art by leeloomultipass/Dreamstime.com
All stories were first published on Dean Wesley Smith’s web site.
For more information, go to DeeWSchofield.com.
Smashwords Edition
This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. All rights reserved.
This is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission.
Table of Contents
Introduction
I honestly have no idea how I came up with the Dee W. Schofield name. Schofield is an old family name and my wife, Kristine Kathryn Rusch, and I have used Sandy Schofield on five or six novels, all media books.
Then I wrote the first story in this volume for a challenge I was working on and it just screamed to have another author’s name on it. It just didn’t seem like anything else I was writing. The story called “Iron Eyebrows” is a fantasy, sort of, and it’s funny, sort of, and it has a hint of sex, sort of.
So I put the name Dee W. Schofield on it and figured that might be Dee’s only story.
Ever.
That was not to be the case.
I had started a couple of funny novels that also fit the pen name, but hadn’t finished them yet. Writing that first story reminded me those novels were in my files. One is called “My Martian Lover.”
A couple of months after the first story made it appearance, I wrote another story called, “Don’t Rust on Me Now.” I knew at once the two androids in that story could only have been written by the same author who wrote “Iron Eyebrows.”
Then came an off-beat mystery romance story in a morgue followed shortly by a story of dating and writing a novel. Dee W. Schofield was off and running and the stories were even selling a few copies. At that point I dug out the Martian Subway novel and I now have plans to finish it in 2012.
The last story in this collection is not going to be Dee’s last story by a long ways. You just can’t keep a crazy writer down.
So I hope you enjoy the wild take on the world that Dee W. Schofield brings.
I know I sure enjoy writing them.
Dean Wesley Smith
aka Dee W. Schofield
Lincoln City, Oregon
February 1st, 2012
A Romance With Too Much Hair
Maria Webb watched with growing disgust as the brown-haired naked man strolled down the beach along the water line toward her and Cindie. He seemed like he didn’t have a care in the world, the white towel over his shoulder, his private parts swinging back and forth like a clapper in a church bell. The long brown hair that covered most of his body blew in the faint breeze and seemed to ripple over his body like waves on a glistening lake.
She hated hairy men. Her counselor said her hatred came from her short-lived first marriage to Ben. Seven months, actually, but they had only been together for two of those seven months. Ben had a lot of hair, and when they first met as freshmen in college, she had loved running her fingers through the long hair on his chest and back. Now, after he had gone and slept with five other women by the second month and then left her, the idea of running her fingers through any man’s hair just made her shudder.
The guy walking toward them down the beach was certainly hairy. More than she had ever seen before, but she had to admit he was built better than Ben had been not only in both muscles, but in other ways. She could tell that even from a hundred paces.
He had very broad shoulders and a walk that just sang of confidence. Maybe too much confidence. Arrogance was more like it.
Of course, he was completely naked, so he had to have confidence, even though they were on a nudist beach.
She went back to reading her Kindle, trying to lose herself in the newest J.D. Robb book, a blue towel over her naked butt, her breasts pressed enough into the towel and the sand below that she wasn’t exposing anything.
Cindie, on the other hand sat upright, her knees up to her chin exposing things that never should be seen on a public beach as she painted her toenails like she was sitting alone in their apartment back off the Oregon State University campus.
Maria couldn’t believe she had she ever let Cindie talk her into getting an “overall tan” on a nudist beach while they were on spring break in California. Cindie might be tanning parts that shouldn’t ever see the sun, but no way was Maria going to tan anything but her back. Just the idea of getting a sunburn on her butt scared her enough to keep that part covered.
As the guy got closer, Maria again glanced up and then flat stared. The guy’s hair seemed to be vanishing. And with each step that he got closer, more of his hair disappeared. Including the brown hair on his head. Only his pubic hair seemed to be staying.
And his thick eyebrows.
He was going to walk along the waterline about ten paces in front of them.
Cindie, focused on her nails, hadn’t even seen him.
Maria just stared. By the time he was almost even with them he was essentially hairless except for the two places. And his body was a stunner, his muscles rippling in the warm spring air.
Suddenly he looked over and smiled.
It felt like the old cliché electric shock had hit her. He was the most attractive man she had ever seen.
Ever.
But she was sure he had been covered with hair at first. But no one got rid of body hair like that. It must have been the sun and her overactive focus on ex-husband Ben playing tricks with her mind.
Her counselor back in Oregon next week was going to have a field day with this.
“Is there something wrong?” the man asked as he stopped right in front of them and stared at Maria. He had the decency to bring his towel down and around his waist as she looked up.
Cindie also glanced up, then immediately put her legs down and together as she sucked in a breath.
“Excuse me?” Maria asked.
“You seemed to be frowning,” the man said, his voice deep and almost hypnotic. “I noticed you watching me as I came up the beach, so I hope I didn’t do something wrong.”
Cindie glanced at Maria, clearly shocked, then back at the man. Of the two of them, it was always Cindie who did the flirting while Maria held back and stayed out of the way.
“No, nothing,” Maria said, shaking her head. “The light was such that I thought you were covered with a lot of hair is all.”
“And you don’t like men with a lot of hair?” he asked, smiling at her, and making her sweat even more in the warm afternoon sun. This guy was a real charmer.
“I don’t,” Maria said.
The man ran his hand over his bald head. “Not a problem then.”
Maria laughed, a kind of high-school giggle. “No problem at all.”
“I love your laugh,” the man said, holding Maria’s gaze.
Maria was sure she was blushing, but hoped her sun-red face didn’t show it.
“My name is Jason,” the man said.
“Maria and Cindie,” Maria said before Cindie could say anything.
“Very nice to meet you both,” he said, bowing slightly.
Maria could feel her mind spinning as she just couldn’t look away from his eyes and that wonderful chiseled face and bald head. What she really wanted was to rub her hands over his head. Maybe he needed some suntan lotion on some of that exposed skin.
She shook her head, trying to clear the thoughts.
He continued to smile at Maria, then with that voice that seemed to just fill the warm air, he asked, “I assume you are not from around here.”
“Oregon,” Maria said, smiling back. “Not used to this sun, so we have to be careful. How do you manage to not burn?”
He laughed. “I’m from San Diego so I’m used to it, but it still takes lots of lotion. In fact, I’ve been walking for a ways, if you wouldn’t mind, could I borrow a little of your lotion?”
“No problem,” Maria said.
She reached over beside Cindie and grabbed the bottle, catching Cindie’s puzzled expression. Cindie hadn’t even said a word, which was very, very strange for her. In fact, Cindie started to open her mouth to say something, then just shook her head and closed it again.
Jason sat down on the sand next to Maria, keeping the white towel around his waist in perfect position to not show anything.
Maria actually felt both relief and disappointment. Again she shook the thought away
She started to hand the bottle to him, but he shifted slightly so his back was toward her with the shinning skin and rippling muscles.
“Would you mind putting some on my back?”
Beside her Cindie coughed lightly, but still said nothing.
“Sure, would love to,” Maria said.
She sat up, leaving the towel on the sand. Her breasts were now exposed to the California sun and the man sitting next to her.
As she started to rub the lotion over Jason’s back, part of her mind was just enjoying the wonderful feeling of once again touching a man while another part of her mind kept asking, What are you doing?
It was Spring Break, she was enjoying herself, that’s what she was doing.
“Would you get the back of my neck as well?” Jason asked.
“Glad to,” she said, letting her hands roam all over his large, smooth back and up to his neck.
After a moment he broke the wonderful feeling and said, “Okay, my turn to get your back.”
He turned around and took the bottle as Maria turned around to face Cindie, who was sitting there staring, her mouth open. They had been roommates since Maria and Ben had broken up. Cindie knew more about Maria than anyone else, and Maria knew for a fact her actions were surprising her roommate right at this moment.
She was surprising herself, actually.
Then Jason’s hands started rubbing in the lotion, working his strong fingers all over her back and she wanted to just melt. It wasn’t as if the afternoon sun wasn’t hot enough, in a moment she was sweating like she was in a sauna just from his touch.
Twice he brushed near the sides of her breasts, both times her breath caught. And she damn near choked when his hands went down near the crack of her butt.
His fingers worked the lotion into her skin in a way that felt heavenly.
After what seemed like the shortest eternity she had ever lived through, he patted her shoulder and said, “That part is all protected for a while. Has anyone ever told you that you have wonderful skin?”
“You have fantastic hands,” she said, turning as he poured more lotion on his hands and started to rub it on his chest.
“It’s my job,” he said. “I’m a massage therapist.”
She took the bottle of lotion from him and sprayed some on both of her breasts and started to rub it around, hoping he would notice, which he seemed to a couple of times. But both times he quickly averted his gaze out over the calm ocean.
A real gentleman.
With very, very thick eyebrows. Now that she was sort of facing him up close, she couldn’t believe the bushiness of his eyebrows. And they really stood out because of his bald head.
And then she remembered how she had thought he looked at first, covered in hair almost completely. But now he didn’t even have any hair on his arms or legs.
And some voice in the back of her head warned her that something wasn’t right. She just kept staring at his eyebrows, and with each passing second they seemed to get thicker and even bushier, if that was possible.
He smiled. “Some people think they are my best feature. Others have called me Iron Eyebrows.”
She jerked and looked into his eyes. They were brown, deep brown, and his gaze was something she wanted to lose herself in. And in his wonderful body.
But the voice in the back of her mind kept bothering her. So she thought clearly at him. Can you read my mind?
He turned away, then his voice came back into her mind clearly. Yes, but only surface thoughts. But I find you so attractive I just wanted to please you.
Now that was enough to make her jump a little and glance at Cindie, who still just sat silently watching.
“I’ll prove it to you,” he said out loud. “Look at my eyes and let me open up to you.”
She didn’t want to. The entire chance that someone could really read her mind and all her secrets scared her to death.
But still she looked into his eyes and suddenly she was inside his head, knowing everything about him. He actually did work as a massage therapist in San Diego and liked sunbathing and walking in the nude.
He had had an awful childhood, treated like a freak by everyone around him until he moved away from his Montana home to Southern California where he didn’t let anyone know his secret.
He used his talents to read surface thoughts of customer minds to give them perfect massages, exactly what they wanted.
He had suggested that Cindie not talk and implanted the thought in her head, so Cindie kept forgetting what she wanted to say when she opened her mouth.
He was single and had the ability to slightly change his appearance to please someone, something that he had only told three people. Two had run away. She was the third.
He hoped she wouldn’t run as well.
And he was really, really attracted to her. He didn’t understand why but he was.
Just as she was really, really attracted to him.
And he couldn’t change his eyebrows.
“I could trim them, maybe,” he said out loud. “But they grow back quickly, sometimes overnight.”
She laughed. Then she asked, “Are you controlling my thoughts?”
“No,” he said, shaking his head and looking worried. She liked that look on him almost as much as she liked his smile.
She could tell, since he left his mind open to her, that he really was concerned. Concerned he would scare her. That they were moving far, far too fast. That he had trusted someone he didn’t know.
And suddenly she could tell that he had told the truth, he really hadn’t looked into her mind past the surface thoughts.
He really didn’t know her and hadn’t pried.
“How do I open my mind to you?” she asked.
“Just give me permission,” he said.
“That’s damn scary,” she said.
He nodded. “I know.”
She took a deep breath and decided to go for it. “You’ve shown me around your place, you should see mine before we go any farther.”
He nodded and suddenly she could feel another person in her mind, gently looking around. It felt very, very strange as thoughts and memories came up she hadn’t thought of for a very long time. He could see everything about her short marriage, about graduate school, about what she liked about sex.
Within a few seconds he knew more about her than anyone ever had. He knew her favorite foods, her inability to ride a bike, even her deepest secret of lusting after a teacher when she was eighteen.
Then he was gone.
And his mind was closed to her as well.
For the first time in a long time she felt very alone.
And that surprised her. She was an independent woman who didn’t mind being alone.
She had loved having him in her mind. She had loved seeing into his mind as well. It was like a speed date only really, really getting to know everything about someone in just seconds instead of years.
She knew so many things about him, she didn’t want to be turned away now.
“Did you see something you didn’t like?” she asked, very worried
He smiled and opened his mind to her again. What he was thinking was about how much more he liked her now, more than ever after seeing her true self. And how he wanted to get her into bed.
And spend time with her.
Lots of time.
That’s why he had closed off his mind. He was embarrassed by those thoughts.
“I like that idea as well,” she said out loud, smiling. “How about we go for a walk and get to know each other even better?”
“I would like that very much,” he said, his smile beaming.
And she could tell he really, really meant that as well from his thoughts.
Maria stood, taking the towel that had been over her butt and tossing it over her shoulder.
“I’ll be back in a half hour,” she said to Cindie. “We’re just going to take a walk.”
Cindie, looking completely stunned at the sudden change in her roommate, nodded and didn’t say anything.
I really love that you can silence my wonderful roommate. Normally she can really talk your ear off. Can you teach me that trick?
He smiled. You never know.
Jason took his towel and put it over his shoulder as well.
Then Maria took his hand and through his touch could feel his mind again, open and happy.
And with a thought she invited him back into her mind.
It felt right. Perfect, actually.
“I thought you didn’t like being nude out in public,” he said, smiling as they started off.
“After what you’ve seen in my head, there’s no reason in covering up anything is there?”
“You have a point,” he said, laughing. Besides you have a wonderful body. You don’t want to cover it up.
“Thank you,” she said. “Am I blushing?”
“Too much sun to tell.”
She could tell from his mind that he was fibbing. She was blushing and he liked it.
“Do me a favor,” Maria said. “Let the hair grow on your back as we walk away. Might as well really give Cindie something to talk about, when she can remember again what she wants to say.”