The Meaning of Life (and AIDS Jokes)
By Tom Z
Smashwords Edition
Copyright 2011 Tom Z
The Meaning of Life (and AIDS Jokes)
Table of contents
x - Untitled (Intro)
1 - The New American Dream
2 - God vs. Dave
3 - How to Stop Workplace Shootings
4 - Don’t Vote. Seriously.
5 - In 2047, Africa Will Be Made of Solid Gold
6 - It’s a Touchy Subject
7 - Scientology is Not Real
8 - The Meaning of Life
9 - Aliens Suck
10 - Justin Bieber Sucks
11- The Best Things in Life Are Really Expensive
12 - Solving the World’s Problems With Rap Lyrics: High Gas Prices
13 - The Meaning of Life, Part II
14 - Question For God
15 - Rat-Flavored Hot Dogs Are a Metaphor For Life
16 - Everything I Know, I Learned on the Street
17 - Not a Pirate
18 - Trying to Calculate the Amount of Money I’ve Spent on Alcohol in My Life
19 - The Holiday Calendar According to Tom Z
20 - 8 Reasons I Love McDonald’s
21 - My Plan to Dominate the Music Industry
22 - The Meaning of Life, Part III
23 - Tom Z For President
24 - Black People Are the New White People
25 - Smart People Are the New Idiots
26 - Fuckin’ Squirrels
27 - I am 110 Years Ahead of My Time
28 - The Meaning of Life, Part IV
29 - 9 Good Things About 9/11
30 - Solving the World’s Problems With Rap Lyrics: Partisan Politics
31 - Spoiler Alert
32 - The Silver Rule
33 - The Meaning of Life, Part V
34 - ‘I Knew I Had Hit Rock Bottom’
35 - The Solution to All of the World’s Problems
36 - The Meaning of Life, Part VI
37 - Take This Seriously
x
Untitled (Intro)
In 6th grade, I was part of my school’s Enrichment Program. It was a group of roughly 15 intelligent students who administrators felt weren’t being sufficiently challenged in the classroom. One period a day we would skip class and go to the Enrichment room, where we’d undertake an activity that better expanded our developing young minds. Most of the kids chose to read novels or complete extra-credit assignments. Some played board games or chess.
My friend Dan and I didn’t do any of that crap. Instead, we invented a game called “Ruler Hockey.” We sat at opposite ends of the room, each holding a ruler, and we tried to slap a checker across the room, past the other person. It was rude, it was disruptive, and most importantly, it didn’t teach us a damn thing. This game continued for months, until one day I accidentally shanked a checker off the blackboard and hit our teacher in the face. She banned the game and insisted that we do something more productive with our time, at which point Dan and I began gambling on a bastardized version of Roulette that we created using a 20-sided die from the board game Risk.
When parent-teacher conferences finally came around, the Enrichment teacher told my parents, and I quote, “Your son has infinite potential, but zero motivation. He could be anything he wants to be, but he probably won’t amount to very much.”
I’ll never forget that quote. In two sentences, she essentially told my parents that I was lazy, rude, useless and a disgrace to the Enrichment Program. It was the most shocking and brazen thing I’ve ever heard from a teacher in my life. But you know something? That bitch was right. You see, this pattern continued for the remainder of my formative years. In high school, I studied a total of 20 minutes in four years. Instead I used my TI-82 graphing calculator to cheat on tests and create video games that I played during class. My college had a beautiful, newly renovated library. I went there once. I spent the rest of my college career inventing drinking games and building a bobsled out of a shopping cart that I later crashed into the student union building. I was never that interested in applying myself, at least not in the traditional sense. It was just more fun to make jokes and fuck around. Am I lazy? Maybe. Am I inappropriate? Definitely. But this is how I expand my mind. Not through studying or assignments, but through finding new and unique ways to entertain myself. I tell stories. I come up with crazy theories. I take important world issues and make jokes about them. This is what I do.
Taking things seriously has never been my forté.
Luckily we live in a great country; one where irreverence can become a career. In 2003, I began writing an online journal. I was bored at work and needed something to occupy my time. The site started off as a bunch of drunken stories, and over time evolved to include musings on myriad topics, from music to pop culture to social issues. In 2007, I was hired to write for a music web site. That lasted a year and a half, at which point I began freelancing. All the while, I’ve continued updating my personal web site.
This book is a collection of articles I wrote between 2005 and 2011. Some of them come from the aforementioned personal web site, and some have never been published anywhere before. The book covers a wide range of subjects, including pop culture, society, politics, rock ‘n roll, life, crazy theories, and most importantly, inappropriate jokes. I’m not an English Major or a professional wordsmith. I’m just a guy who tried to entertain himself when he wasn’t challenged by his day job. I wish I could tell you that that this book is a sociopolitical analysis or a dissertation in youth culture, or that it holds a mirror up to an ever-regressing American landscape. But really, it’s about one thing: Entertainment. These are the topics that occupied my mind when I was supposed to be doing something more important. I only hope that this book will entertain you. If it enriches your mind, that’s great. Chances are you‘ll walk away confused and disoriented, feeling like you were just hit in the head by a flying checker.
So enjoy, my friends. Just don’t expect too much. After all, I’m pretty fucking lazy.
-Tom Z
1
The New American Dream
Once upon a time, the American Dream was to work your way out of the bowels of poverty and up into the penthouse of success. Poor immigrants would come to America in order to get a job and feed their family. They dreamed of someday working hard enough to provide a great life for themselves and their loved ones; something that wasn’t possible in their home country. Similarly, people born in America hoped that with a proper work ethic, they could accumulate wealth and ascend to a greater social status than their parents. Everyone worked their ass off to ensure that their children would have a better life than they ever did.
Well, that was then.
Now it’s 2011, motherfuckers, and there’s a brand new American Dream.
That dream is to get rich by doing jack-shit.
To achieve maximum success with minimal effort.
To have it all, without having to do anything.
Welcome to the 21st century.
Why do you think so many people play the lottery every day? It’s not just to hold up the gas station line for 10 minutes while they scratch off 40 Win For Life tickets. No, these annoying, inconsiderate, always-in-the-way assholes have a different idea, and that idea is to live The New American Dream. Millions of uneducated rednecks play the numbers every day, motivated by a burning desire to offset their laissez-faire attitude toward life with some good old fashioned random luck.
Unfortunately hitting the lotto is nearly impossible to achieve, so most people are forced to settle for a compromised version of The New American Dream, such as coasting through a lackluster job and then watching TV for 8 hours a night. It’s not perfect, but it does the trick for most. Deep-down, no matter how ambitious someone may seem, all anyone really wants to do is get paid for sitting around, watching “The Simpsons” reruns and eating Doritos. If you deny this, you’re either lying to yourself or you’re an anti-American commie bastard. That’s why movies with anti-work plots like Office Space and American Beauty have become classics. Watching these movies allows us to sit on our fat asses and do nothing, while dreaming about a life where we sit on our fat asses and do nothing. It’s a double-dip of languid satisfaction, and we love it. Languid means lazy, by the way. I know you’re not going to look it up in the dictionary. That would take way too much effort.
Lawsuits, workers compensation claims, “mental breakdowns,” and leaves of absence are prevalent throughout our society. Why do you think people sue for slip and fall accidents? Do they really believe that walking on a recently washed floor entitles them to millions of dollars? Of course not. They see it as an easy way to make money. It’s clear that Americans in this day and age will do whatever they can to get paid for doing nothing.
Just look at Paris Hilton. Since rising to national prominence, she’s barely done shit. She had her own reality TV show, which means she got paid for being alive. She had a sex tape, which means she made money for fucking. Anything else she’s ever needed, she just leeched off her parents. Looking at that evidence, and the fact that she’s annoying as shit, it would seem that nobody would like Paris Hilton. And yet, she’s arguably the biggest celebrity of the past decade. We say that we hate her, but we can’t stop paying attention. Why? Because she has lived The New American Dream, and we are all envious. She is paid for living. She spends her time getting wasted, fucking around and generally having fun. “That’s hot,” we might say, if we weren’t so jealous. I work rigorous 50-hour weeks and get almost no sleep just so I can live like Paris Hilton on the weekend. Given the option, I would trade places with her in a second. And this is coming from someone who wakes up every morning and thanks God that he doesn’t have a vagina.
Of course, even Paris Hilton does something. As little as it may be, she occasionally will do stuff.
To truly achieve The New American Dream, you must find a way to do nothing — nothing at all — and be paid for it.
Which brings me to my next point:
Kevin Federline is my fucking hero.
By the time you read this, Kevin Federline will have vanished from the pop culture landscape. He will be but a footnote in the pages of retarded white trash history. But it is critical — I repeat, critical — that we do not forget him, for NOBODY embodies spirit of America in the 21st Century better than Federline.
He is The New American Dream.
I’ve looked up to K-Fed ever since he landed Britney Spears in the early 2000s, and over time, he has continued to elevate his game. His game being, of course, nothing. He’s taken nothing to a whole new level. He’s mastered the art of doing nothing, and that’s why he’s my idol. There’s nothing I would enjoy more than having his life.
Let’s look at Federline’s track record. As far as we know, before marrying Spears, his only prior career was “back up dancer,” which is a preposterous job since I’ve never heard of anyone who aspires to be a background dancer. Being a foreground dancer is stupid enough, but to actively pursue dancing in the background of a better dancer? That’s insane. A true lazy man’s job. Now, dancing takes some energy, and it’s pretty gay, but I know I’d take any career that meant three weeks of practice and then two hours of work every 3rd night. After he started to date Britney, I would imagine that any semblance of a dancing career disappeared out the window. There he was, retired from a bogus job at the tender age of 26. His life evolved to a point where it consisted of smoking, fucking Britney Spears, doing nothing else, and living in the lap of luxury. An amazing accomplishment by any straight male’s standards. Yet Federline kept raising the bar. He got engaged to Britney. Then we found out that Spears was the one who proposed. Shocking. Then, the couple had a secret spur-of-the-moment wedding, a brilliant move by Federline since it gave Britney less time to re-evaluate what she was doing. We even discovered that there was no pre-nup. No pre-nup! My God, this man is a fucking genius.
Think about this… what do we actually know about Kevin Federline? Everything we know about the guy is based on tabloid photographs. As far as we know, all he’s ever done is smoke cigarettes and play with his cell phone. He always wore a white wife beater, and to the best of my knowledge, he has never spoken. Have you ever heard Federline say a single word? No, of course not, he’s never been in anything besides tabloid pictures and Britney’s vagina and possibly the backup dance ensemble of a boy band. The only thing Federline ever “did” was release a rap CD, but I would argue that doesn’t count because the process consisted of him listening to a beat produced by someone else and talking about weed over the bassline. I’m pretty sure that’s what Federline would have been doing anyways. He just decided to record it for once. That’s the career of Kevin Federline. The guy’s resume is a blank sheet of paper.
And yet somehow he’s financially set for life and he was able to bang the biggest pop star of a generation.
The man is a true hero.
Now this is where it gets tricky. After Federline began dating Britney Spears, America witnessed Spears’ descent from pop starlet to trailer trash mother of two. Some people try to demean Federline’s accomplishments by pointing out that Britney turned to white trash during their relationship. I believe this strengthens Federline’s case as a role model to 21st Century America. Federline is white trash, and he got Britney to become just like him. It’s no different than a Jewish woman getting her man to convert to Judaism for her. Except while the Jewish woman might possess a plethora of positives, such as a great personality or feminine allure, Federline possesses a plethora of nothing, such as… umm, nothing. But despite a lack of… well, everything… Federline refused to compromise, sticking to his white trash guns while convincing Britney to follow him for 40 days and 40 nights through the wigger desert. It’s a power move, and I like it.
Federline was helped greatly by the fact that we knew so little about him. I would argue this is the key to his legacy. For someone as famous as Federline was during his anti-prime, he gave almost no interviews and rarely made TV or magazine appearances that were of his own accord. Sure tabloids printed thousands of photos, but they were mostly grainy images of Federline performing a mundane task. He did have a reality show, but it was canceled after a month and I’m pretty sure no one on Earth ever saw it. Also, the show was created by Federline and Spears, who both served as executive producers. Let’s put it this way: If I produced my own show, it would be called “Tom Z: The Greatest Human Ever” and the first episode would follow my quest of trying to find special pants that were large enough to fit my mammoth cock. That’s not reality. We’ve never had any real insight into Federline’s personal life. What if America had delved deeper and found out he was a really great guy? Or a good match for Brit? Or hung like a donkey? If I ever discovered that he actually had something going for him, it would ruin his whole appeal. The reason that Federline is awesome is because he seemingly landed the biggest catch on the planet despite having no redeeming qualities whatsoever. If we find out that he does in fact bring something to the table, then it just isn’t the same. His reluctance to submit to the same excessive media-whoring as other celebrities, along with his JD Salinger-like disappearance in recent years, is without question the smartest thing he could have ever done.
Still, the question remains: If Federline is as great as I clearly believe he is, then why does everyone hate him? The media bashed him constantly. Late-night talk show hosts made him the butt of every joke. Trying to find a positive comment about Federline on the internet is about as easy as finding a unicorn or a leprechaun or a 20-year old from Louisiana who’s not pregnant… impossible.
Why would we direct so much rage in one man’s direction?
It’s because we’re all jealous, and we don’t even know it.
We all talk ourselves into this myth of an American Dream. We have hopes and aspirations and 5-year action plans that are supposed to make us incredibly wealthy while filling our lives with joy. Or so we say. But it’s a lie. Our actions clearly show that we are more interested in The New American Dream, the one where we scam just enough money from society to pay for a leather couch and a flat-screen TV so we can sit on our fat asses all day long.
The New American Dream knows no race or religion, and it certainly know no class. Whether it’s a Wall Streeter betting $20 million on mysterious derivatives, or a garbage man betting $20 on the Eagles to cover, every American is trying to achieve the illustrious goal of making money without contributing anything to society.
Any person who is given the choice between working hard or getting paid to do nothing will choose the latter. Ask anyone who has collected unemployment how motivated they were to find work. Here’s a hint: They weren’t motivated at all, until the checks were about to dry up, at which point they magically decided it was time to get back into the workforce. Imagine if one of your company’s competitors decided you were a major threat to their business, and tried to poach you away. But the company was located in a different state, and you didn’t want to move. So instead, to eliminate you as a threat, the company offered to pay you the same salary and benefits if you quit your current job. You would make the same amount of money, but you wouldn’t have to do anything. Wouldn’t you take that deal? Since this is hypothetical, you’re probably making excuses, saying things like “I need to stay busy.” That’s because we’ve been conditioned to say such things by supporters of a false American Dream. Deep down, you know you’d take that deal in a heartbeat.
Since the Family and Medical Leave Act was created in 1993, over 50 million people have taken leave from work. I’m sure much of that leave was justified, but still, 27% of those 50 million people made less than $30,000 at the time, so theoretically they would have wanted to get in some extra face-time at the office to climb the corporate ladder. According to a 2007 report, 58 million Americans binge-drink and 19.9 million use illicit drugs. One in three Americans suffers from a mental disorder, many of which are anxiety or mood-related. Why do you think that is? Do you think babies are born with anxiety disorders? Of course not. It’s because the things we spend our lives doing are totally incongruent with the things we want to do. We want to hang out with friends, watch TV, go to the beach, and play video games. Basically we want to do nothing. But it costs a ton of money to be alive, so we have to get jobs and work. A ton. We don’t want to work. Working sucks. Trust me. I actually had my dream job, and it was OK, but I still would have rather stayed home doing nothing.
So nobody wants to work, yet due to the outrageous cost of living, we’re forced to work all the time. That’s why people have nervous breakdowns, or binge-drink, or shoot meth, or join underground fight clubs, or cut themselves just to feel alive, or… well, enough about my hobbies, the point is we all hate work and would rather get paid for nothing.
There is one caveat, which is the key to understanding our anger over do-nothing celebrities. While we all hope desperately to achieve The New American Dream, we only want it for ourselves. That’s the dirty little secret of The New American Dream. When someone else finds a way to make tons of money with minimal effort, we hate that person. We become filled with a jealousy so massive that it could barely fit inside Britney Spears’ vagina.
Which brings us back to Federline. He’ll always draw the ire of many, but to me, he will forever remain a real American hero, like George Washington or Hulk Hogan. He accomplished what each of us strives for every single day of our lives. How a man of such ill repute amassed a fortune and bedded the premier pop star of our time with zero effort is a mystery greater than the existence of mankind. Federline is a beacon of light, giving hope to every sub-par male that they too can land a rich, gorgeous and talented woman despite having no noticeable talent or ambition. He is The New American Dream. There’s a little bit of us in Kevin Federline, and there’s a whole lot of Federline in each of us. If you hate Kevin Federline, you hate America. Shame on you, anonymous Internet commenters.
2
God vs. Dave
I’d like to talk about a great deity.
In fact, some might call him the greatest deity.
Millions around the globe worship him. He reigns over his many followers, spreading a message of love and compassion. He gives light to those in their darkest hour. He is responsible for some of the most cherished writings in history. People base their entire lives around him, and are willing to defend his teachings to the death. He created mankind and helped Moses part the Red Sea.
That’s right… I’m talking about Dave Matthews.
OK, so he didn’t do that last thing, but have you heard “Grey Street?” That song fuckin’ rocks, man!
You’re probably thinking, “How dare you compare God with Dave?” Even though ‘Dave’ is your good buddy, hence why you refer to him by his first name only, you still don’t understand how a singer/songwriter can compare to the all-knowing entity that is God.
Well, I’m here to tell you, they aren’t that different. Get ready, cause this is about to get heavy.
It begins with the followers. God and Dave both have them, in great numbers. Christianity is the most popular religion on Earth, with an influence stretching to all corners of the globe. Christianity is certainly more popular than the Dave Matthews Band, but let’s not be fooled: Dave has legions of followers himself.
Just as the typical Sunday mass is attended by casual Christians and devoted patrons alike, the average DMB crowd includes diehard fans, along with a bunch of people who just think that “Tripping Billies” rules. Many people at church may be going through the motions, pretending to care, while their true intentions are simply to put on a show for their neighbors. Likewise, a lot of people go to Dave Matthews shows to get drunk. However, whether attending a sermon or a Dave concert, one thing is certain: You’ll find plenty of devout followers. They come to have their lives transformed by the man whom they worship. It is a brief moment of enlightenment in their otherwise murky lives. Some may go to church to hear remarkable sermons or listen to killer hymnal tunes, but we know that a lot of people are there for the message. They want to hear the Word of the Lord. Similarly, for many fans, the love of Dave Matthews goes well beyond the music. In their mind it is often one of the few things that makes life worth living. Just as God can get people through their moments of confusion and doubt, Dave can guide his listeners through troublesome relationships and help them re-evaluate what is truly important in their lives. There is solace to be found in the lyrics of “The Space Between,” just as there is solace to be found in the book of Genesis.
Perhaps the biggest similarity between God and Dave — or as I call them, God and Super-God — is their writings. God, of course, has the Bible, while Dave has his lyrics. The Bible teaches many incredible lessons, such as “love thy neighbor” and the story of David and Goliath. Dave has also given us some gems, such as “If you hold on too tight to what you think is your thing, you may find you’re missing all the rest.” Both rely heavily on storytelling; their stories seem implausible from a factual standpoint but contain important underlying messages. Honestly, what sounds less realistic: A man talking to a snake, or a bunch of ants marching? If someone was unfamiliar with both Christianity and Dave Matthews, I doubt they’d be able to determine which of those stories came from the Bible and which came from Under the Table and Dreaming. Both stories are ridiculous taken at face value, but both offer valuable lessons for the avid listener to come away with. And that’s the whole point.
Neither group, Christians nor Dave fans, are hesitant about spreading the word of their Savior. For each time a representative of the Church of Latter Day Saints has knocked on my door, there has been a separate moment in my life where someone told me how I “totally need to listen to the Dave bootleg from night two in Saratoga” because “he jams out friggin’ forever at the end of #41, bro.”
On the flip side, both have detractors. Many atheists are quite vocal in disavowing the existence of God, claiming that religion is nothing more than a crutch for the weak. Similarly, there are plenty of Dave-eists out there; critics who hate Dave’s music, his fans, and what his band represents in the pop culture landscape. Neither group is quiet about their displeasures with God/Dave.
You probably think I’m joking around. But really, what’s the difference between God and Dave?
Sure, they have different back stories. One created the Earth and sent his only son to be born of the Virgin Mary and crucified for the sins of all mankind. The other was a bartender that started a band with an unoriginal name in his spare time and slowly gained a following in Virginia.
But from a cultural standpoint, they have a lot in common. Both have huge numbers of intensely devoted fans. Both are worshipped. Both have insightful writings that may or may not be based on fact. Both provide comfort in times of sorrow and are praised during periods of joy. Both can provoke massive fits of outrage or inspire life affirming epiphanies. Both are better when you funnel 18 beers in the parking lot beforehand.
You see what I’m getting at. Let’s say two men were to suffer similar tragedies on the same day. One, a lifelong Christian, rushes to church to pray for better days. The other, a diehard Dave fan, sits at home alone and listens to Crash while mourning. Would these not both be suitable methods for dealing with grief? Wouldn’t each man be dealing with tragedy in a manner that best suits him, gaining comfort from an important and familiar presence? Wouldn’t both be seeking the guidance of a wise sage in their time of need?
Then why do we look at people who frequent church as saints, and people who tour with Dave Matthews as burnouts? God can get people through the hard times, but so can Dave. God can be there for the good times, but so can Dave. Both God fans and Dave fans find solace in their respective leaders, and consider them a precious and necessary part of their lives.
So, if some people get the same value out of Dave that others do out of God, then why don’t we start to appreciate his music as a unique, alternative form of religion?
Maybe it’s because Dave Matthews sucks. But you get my point.
3
How to Stop Workplace Shootings
As you know, there has been a rash of workplace shootings lately. American employees, fed up with their stressful jobs and insufficient wages, are going into work armed to the teeth and causing massive chaos. Each workplace gunman blames a new enemy — the government, taxes, racism, a jerk boss — but the results are always the same. Innocent people dead or wounded, and a shooter who kills himself before the police even arrive. It’s a terrible tragedy every time something like this happens.
Luckily, I have a solution.
I think we can decrease the number of workplace shootings with one simple step.
How you ask? It’s easy.
First we have to ask ourselves this question: Why do people shoot up a public place? I believe they do it for attention. If they were tired of life, they would just kill themselves. Take some pills, jump off a bridge, lock yourself in a closet with a Taylor Swift CD on loop until you gouge your own heart out… whatever floats your boat. Kurt Cobain was sick of life. He didn’t storm into a Gold’s Gym and light the place up. When you’re taking out innocent lives before turning the gun on yourself, you’re trying to make people notice you. These gunmen are trying to enact revenge against their bosses, ex-lovers, the popular clique, and anyone else they despise. That revenge fantasy goes hand-in-hand with the attention seeking. A sane person who hates their boss looks for another job. They realize it’s a bad situation and they get out. Someone who’s fed up with a spouse gets a divorce. A child who hates their school focuses on achieving good grades and then goes to college somewhere far, far away. Anyone who believes it is their responsibility to enact a God-like revenge is clearly starved for attention. When you read about any of these incidents, you can see the clues all over the place.
“I was a victim…”
“I gave them the justice they deserved…”
“He shot at the popular kids…”
Workplace (and schoolplace) shooters feel that they’ve been dealt a bad hand in life. They could overcome this by having a personality or by accomplishing something, but since they’re all crazy losers with no redeeming qualities, they get the attention they’ve been seeking the only way they know how… by going into a crowded building with a gun. Of course the media plays right into their plan by covering the shootings ad nauseum.
Assuming my theory is correct and gunmen are doing it for the publicity, there’s an easy way to stop them. We make sure that the publicity people get for shooting up a business is the kind of publicity that no one would ever want to have.
That’s right… we call them a pedophile.
Yes, from now on, whenever someone shoots up a crowded place, every news story should be required to include at least one line saying that the gunman was an alleged child molester. The stories would read something like this...
Charles Stevenson, 28, of Pittsburgh, PA, stormed into a Bally’s Fitness Center on Main Street at 9:00 this morning and began shooting an AK-47 at gym members. Nine people were killed, including Stevenson, who eventually turned the gun on himself. Seven others were wounded. Stevenson, a former employee of the gym, is believed to have had a major argument with the owner of the club two days prior. Friends say Stevenson had been acting erratically for weeks.
Stevenson is also allegedly a pedophile.
Or how about this…
John Montgomery, 37, of Utica, NY, walked into a Wegman’s grocery store at 4:00PM yesterday with two pistols. Montgomery opened fire in the direction of the customer service counter, then turned his aim towards cashiers and finally toward store customers. The ordeal lasted 32 minutes and ended when Montgomery took his own life during a stand-off with police. Fourteen people are dead, and 3 others are wounded.
Montgomery was allegedly upset after a cashier refused to accept an expired coupon for Campbell’s Soup. Also, Montgomery is allegedly a toucher. Several unidentified sources confirmed that he enjoyed touching little boys.
Or this…
Jake Williams, 42, of Alexandria, VA, shot 37 people inside a Sonic this morning. Also, I heard the dude loves molesting children. I mean, allegedly, this guy is an unchecked sexual deviant satiated only by the supple feel of a child’s genitals. Tons of people said so. Trust us. Everyone in Alexandria knows Jake Williams LOVES fucking kids.
You might be questioning the legality of my method, but trust me, it’s fine. I’ve worked in journalism. As long as you put words like “allegedly” or “reportedly” at the beginning of the sentence, you can say anything. You want to say some dude likes grabbing kids’ behinds? No problem. Just say he “allegedly loves grabbing child ass.” Legally you’re off the hook and everyone who reads it will believe that your accusation is true. Plus, even if it’s ethically wrong, it doesn’t matter, because who’s going to come to the defense of a child-molesting mass murderer? No one. Would you defend a murdering pedophile? Of course not. That’s worse than defending a terrorist. At least with the terrorists you can make up some weak argument about America’s immoral smut peddling or the Kardashians. With kiddie-rapist gunmen, you got nothing.
Do this for one year, and I promise you will never see a massive workplace shooting again. Gunmen want the media to talk about the injustices they faced, not the crotches they touched. They want to be a martyr, not a baby rapist. Copycat killings and attention-seekers would disappear forever, and only the craziest 0.00000000000000000001% would ever even consider shooting up a public place again. This type of crime would be virtually erased from our society. Plus it would raise a lot of awareness about pedophilia. It’s really a win-win.
4
Don’t Vote. Seriously.
Very soon, we’ll be faced with another Presidential election. Like every Presidential election, it will be declared “the most important election of our lifetime” by the overzealous media. As the next election draws nearer and nearer, you’re going to hear a lot of talk about how important voting is. I’m sure you’re familiar with past campaigns such as “Vote or Die,” “Choose or Lose,” and “Rock the Vote,” that tried to encourage people to get out and vote. The next election will be no different. Surely we’ll witness the most intense and far-reaching voter registration campaign our country has ever seen. You’ll be inundated with information about the importance of voting, and how voting is one of your civic duties.
I’m here to offer a slightly different take:
Don’t vote.
Seriously.
Now before you jump to conclusions or start screaming about how it’s our duty as an American to vote, hear me out…
Voting is an incredibly important responsibility. The Presidents we choose not only rule this country, but become de facto leaders for the entire world. Furthermore, each subsequent President faces more turmoil, more vitriol, and more difficult and nuanced predicaments than any of his (or her) predecessors. We live in a time of economic and social crisis. It’s an age of terrorism and war, where the reputation and power of the United States is constantly eroding.
Living in a Democracy means that the people choose the leaders. That means all of the power of this great nation lies with you.
You’re not worthy of that responsibility.
Why? Because you’re an idiot.
Don’t take that personally. I don’t mean you’re Corky from “Life Goes On” retarded or anything. I just mean that you lack the necessary information to cast an intelligent vote. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you have all the facts, and you’re ready to get out and rock the vote next election. If so, hey, congratulations. You’re part of a vast, vast minority in this country that knows what they’re doing. The U.S. has about 300 million citizens, and of those, 16 are qualified to vote. Alright, so I made that number up, but seriously, it’s really low. Even if it’s half, which I think is extremely generous, that means there are a ton of unqualified people out there tainting the voting pool every election.
Each election, a lot of Americans don’t vote.
That, my friends, is a good thing.
I have a friend, who shall remain nameless. Before the 2008 election, she told me she was originally planning to vote for Barack Obama, but after Obama wore a few ugly ties, she began thinking about changing her vote. This is a girl who based her vote on a candidate’s choice of ties. Her vote counts exactly the same as yours.
A few years ago, Britney Spears gave an interview in which she said, “I love seeing my fans overseas, especially in Canada.” Britney Spears gets to vote each November, and her vote counts exactly the same as every other American’s. James Carville is a political mastermind who might know more about politics than anyone on Earth, but his vote will count exactly the same as Britney Spears’.
I once heard a story of someone voting for John Kerry because Ben Affleck said to. I know someone who said they’ll always vote Republican regardless of candidate because they’re anti-abortion, and when I asked them if they’d still vote Republican even if Hitler were running for the party, they just shrugged and said “I don’t know.”
We’re going out of our way to get these people to vote?
I know what you’re thinking: These are extreme examples, and these people are idiots. That’s where you’re wrong. All of the people mentioned in the previous examples are normal people of average to above-average intelligence. Well, except for Britney Spears. Still, you think you’re better or smarter than them. Maybe, but most people aren’t. Two-thirds of people can’t find Iraq on a map; 33% can’t find Louisiana. There are people that don’t even know who the current President is. How that’s possible is beyond me, but it’s true.
OK, so we all know there are some true idiots out there, and you’re light years beyond them… but how much did you really know about the 2008 election? Can you tell me where Barack Obama stands on various issues without looking it up on Google? Can you name 4 things that John McCain wanted to accomplish if he was elected? Can you tell me your stance on anything without copying something you heard on “The Daily Show” or “Fox News?”
I don’t think you can. Well, maybe YOU can, because if you’re reading this you’re obviously really smart. But can everyone in this country be trusted with a vote?
Every election involves many important issues. All of these issues require a complex examination. There are no easy answers. Solutions vary from week to week as the world changes and new circumstances arise. When it comes to foreign and domestic policy, nothing is black and white. To understand politics requires not only a certain initial mental capacity; it requires that you pay constant attention as well.
Yet if you watch the news, all you hear about are ancillary issues. Here are some of the things the average citizen was concerned about prior to the ’08 election: John McCain’s age, something Barack Obama’s minister once said, some quote Obama’s wife said awhile back, whether McCain’s wife was addicted to pills… the list of pseudo-issues goes on and on.
The point is this: Once you set aside people with unwavering party allegiances, the rest of this nation — the voters who ultimately decide every election — almost always choose their leaders based on a gut feeling. Unless we’re incredibly knowledgeable about politics, unless we’ve spent countless hours studying the positions and policies of ALL candidates, unless we have an in-depth knowledge of all the issues and what it will take to solve them, unless we’re unbiased and free from personal agendas or vendettas, then our gut feeling is going to be wrong. You could pick the better person, but if you didn’t pick them for the right reasons, it’s not Democracy, it’s luck. The average person who goes to a voting booth is like a blindfolded kid swatting at a piñata at a Cinco de Mayo party. You might get some candy, but you also might whack Uncle Jimmy in the testicles with a baseball bat. Is that how we should choose the most powerful man on the planet? You might as well put two bowls of cat food on a table, with one candidate’s name on each, and let a kitten decide.
What we need is a pre-voting test. Everyone who wants to vote should be forced to take a test when registering. People who score well enough and know what they’re doing get one vote. Someone with an exceptional knowledge of our country and politics — for example, James Carville — gets two votes. People who cast their votes based on wardrobes, celebrity advice, or any other stupid reason get zero. People who can’t name the President get shipped off to Cuba on a raft. And not the nice part of Cuba, either. The bad part.
Unfortunately, in a Democracy we have to treat everyone as equal, even when they’re not, so that will never happen. Therefore, the next best and most honorable thing you can do as a voter is to admit when you don’t know shit, and concede that you shouldn’t vote. Take a self inventory, then instead of voting, sit on your ass and watch a rerun of the 1995 Rose Bowl on ESPN Classic. Because dammit, that’s something you are qualified to do!
This isn’t about preventing anyone from voting. I would never suggest that. This is about giving up the quest to make every single person vote. This is about encouraging the unqualified to take some personal responsibility and realize that they shouldn’t be in a voting booth. Regardless of what the activists tell you, there’s no shame in not voting. It’s a hell of a lot tougher to admit your limitations and skip the election than to be a lemming and cast an uneducated vote because it’s the “right” thing to do.
Anyone can claim that his or her vote matters.
It takes a real man or woman to admit their vote doesn’t mean dick.
If you’re not educated about politics, don’t vote. If you’re unaware of the issues, don’t vote. If you have no strong feelings about either candidate, don’t vote. If you’re voting for someone you don’t care about simply because he’s the lesser of two evils, don’t vote. If you’re voting for someone because of gender or race, don’t vote. If your candidate lost the primary and you’re simply voting for whoever won the nomination for that party, don’t vote. If you’re voting for someone because they’re taller or better looking than the other guy, don’t vote. If you’re voting because someone told you “if you don’t vote, you can’t complain,” don’t vote (and then complain anyways)! If you’re voting for someone because your favorite celebrity endorses them, for God’s sake, DON’T VOTE!
ONLY YOU HAVE THE POWER TO NOT VOTE IN THE NEXT ELECTION!!!
Those of you who are well-educated, understand the political process, realize what each candidate brings to the table, and then make a rational decision based on the information at hand, good for you. Enjoy casting your vote in November.
The rest of us, let’s tell the boss we’re going to vote, go to Starbucks and surf the Internet for cat videos instead. It’s better for society, and let’s be honest, we’ll enjoy it way more.
5
In 2047, Africa Will Be Made of Solid Gold
In 10,500 BC, the continent of Africa was a fertile valley, perfect for crop growth. But then, due to climate shifts, Africa began to dry out. The resulting deserts were terrible for farming, and a crop shortage ensued. Colonization of the continent over the past thousand years has caused a great deal of territorialism and civil war. What's more, the recent spread of HIV/AIDS has left Africa crippled. Modern Africa is defined by poverty, disease, and war. Times are tough. At the same time, the rest of the world seems callous to this fact. Americans especially seem to ignore the plight of Africa, opting instead for their high-definition televisions and Grand Slam Breakfasts. Sure, foreign governments and international organizations have tried to help Africa, but nothing seems to work.
And that's why musicians had to step in.
With Africa in a state of disarray, it was important for the likes of Bono and Alicia Keys to step up to the plate and inspire hope. World leaders might get slowed down by politics and red tape, but celebrities have instant access to the people. Inspire the people, and only then can you see change. In fact, with the way musicians have been promoting Africa lately, it's only a matter of time until things turn around for that continent.
We’re still in the early part of the 21 century, and although things may look bleak now, a simple extrapolation of the timeline shows that Africa is in for a bright future. And it's all thanks to musicians.
Let's take a look...
1985 - Held on July 13th, Bob Geldorf's massive Live Aid rock concerts were seen by 1.5 billion people worldwide, raising awareness of the long-suffering continent. Millions of dollars are raised. Legendary singer Bob Dylan — known for his social activism — suggests we used a portion of the money raised to help farmers in America. He is staunchly criticized by both Geldorf and the media.
1995 - The popular movie Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls takes place in Africa. This does little for the continent's survival; however, it does provide society with the hilarious line, "Pretty hot in these rhinos."
2004 - The United States falls behind Japan and China in trade. The U.S., which was also a leader in the field of education, continues to slip in that regard as well. Somewhere, a young Chinese boy calls an American boy a "retard," and instead of replying with a witty remark like, "Did you mean to call me a ‘Letald?,'" the American boy is left speechless.
2005 - Twenty years after the fact, the effects of Live Aid are still unclear. U2 singer Bono goes on "Meet the Press" to talk about Africa, in what will become a recurring trend. Bono mentions that corruption, not poverty or starvation, is Africa's biggest problem. Bono goes on to spend much of his time working in politics, completely resisting the urge to write good music in the process. Seriously, that "Vertigo" song sucks. In tragic news, Hurricane Katrina strikes the city of New Orleans, leaving the city destroyed and thousands homeless. The U.S. government promises to fix the situation ASAP.
2007 - Bono pushes the nation of Germany to send financial aid to Africa in early 2007. Around this same time, Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy travels to Uganda to record a video and take part in a protest against the mistreatment of Ugandan refugees. 14 year old Ugandan girls turn out in record numbers. The magazine Vanity Fair prints 20 different covers of a special "Africa" issue, each one featuring a different celebrity or musician. Many stars of the music world, including Jay-Z, Alicia Keys and — of course — Bono, are photographed for the various covers. In July, Al Gore's Live Earth concert series is held to a massive audience across the globe. Though they are meant to raise awareness for global warming, the concerts unintentionally spark more interest in human rights issues, especially the situation in Africa. Money is donated in record numbers to the continent as people continue to destroy the environment at will. Meanwhile, United States President George W. Bush asks for $30 billion to fight AIDS in Africa. In response, the city of New Orleans releases a statement reading, "Hi... still here."
November 2011 - Hollaback Mobile, a new cell phone company, donates proceeds from its new campaign ("Holla at Rwanda") to African relief. Christina Aguilera acts as the face and breasts of the campaign. Assisted by the support of various other musicians, Africans begin to take rudimentary steps toward a better life. Many Africans can now afford the basics, such as food and clothing, and condoms are distributed, greatly reducing the spread of HIV/AIDS.
August 2012 - Money continues to pour in. Africans are now able to afford basic housing and filtered water. Bono holds a summit in London to announce that, "even though we have made great strides in Africa, the job is not even close to finished." A month later, U2 releases a crappy CD.
May 2013 - Because of the country's dependence on foreign oil, many U.S. citizens are going broke paying for gasoline, which is now $14 a gallon. Though hybrid cars are readily available, no one buys them because they're considered really lame. The people of New Orleans completely give up and just start trading in their cars for boats. Non-hybrid boats, of course.
July 2014 - The American educational system slips a little more, putting it just below Indonesia in the ranks. Meanwhile, royalties from a new album called Clap for Africa — a collection of Eric Clapton covers — provides Africa with the money to afford more schools and roadways. African manufacturers decide to sharply increase their production of low-cost, electric-powered vehicles. Around the same time, riots break out in the American city of Detroit, causing chaos and leaving the city uninhabitable.
October 2015 - It is discovered that Sally Struthers was embezzling funds, which finally explains why her "Save Africa" commercials were on all the time and yet had no effect whatsoever. Millions of dollars are recovered and sent to the continent. With all of its people's basic needs taken care of, African officials begin to strategically loan out and invest the money. Back in America, the Chicago Cubs win the World Series for the first time in 106 years, and during the celebration, the entire city of Chicago is accidentally burned to the ground.
February 2016 - Bono, Chester Bennington of Linkin Park (which is now a contemporary jazz band), and uber-political activist Miley Cyrus hold a telethon for Africa. Bono explains, "even though the seeds have been planted and have started to grow, they still need water to become a full-bloomed flower." Americans, who currently read at a 4th grade level, nod and write checks. The telethon, which included a much-talked-about appearance from a coked-out Dakota Fanning, receives the best Internet TV ratings of the year, barely edging out the country's most popular game show, "Guess Which Hand the Coin Is In." A month later, U2 releases another crappy CD.
January 2022 - After years where it seemed like no progress was being made, Africa hits a jackpot in the stock market with all its previously invested money. The continent can now afford luxuries such as parks, stadiums, and museums. AIDS is virtually non-existent, and those few people that do contract the disease receive a blessing when Magic Johnson donates the cure during a telethon.
September 2024 - After spending off all its tax money on a new baseball stadium, the American city of Houston goes bankrupt and dissolves. Similar scenarios occur in Pittsburgh, St. Louis, and Denver.
March 2025 - An album called AfriCabo Wabo — a collection of Sammy Hagar covers — donates proceeds towards African relief. Bono issues the following statement: "We must continue to look after Africa. We've watched it burst through its cocoon and evolve into a fully-grown butterfly. And now that it is spreading its wings and leaving the nest, we must continue to support it in its eternal journey, so that it is not caught in the net of relapse and placed into the jar of despair." Americans nod, write checks, and go back to watching the popular game show "How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?" A month later, U2 releases a new CD. It's not bad, but because of his activism, Bono failed to realize that CDs had gone extinct 12 years earlier. Meanwhile, the entire city of New Orleans, which has since relocated to Birmingham, Alabama, is destroyed by a tornado. The government promises to fix the situation ASAP.
October 2028 - Thanks to a strange climate shift brought on by hairspray containers, for the first time in 10,000 years, Africa is a fertile valley again, while the Western Hemisphere has begun to dry up into a desert-like state. African farmland, which is managed by robots, is incredible. Africans are not only self-sufficient, but they are able to provide for the entire continent of Asia as well. Thanks to its superior athlete training facilities, Africa dominates the 2028 Olympics and gains every endorsement known to man. The money goes toward providing each citizen with a hoverboard, after African officials watch a copy of Back to the Future and think, "why didn't America make this happen already?"
December 2031 - Crime in America has risen to astronomical levels. Murder rates are especially out of hand. Many European experts — America no longer has experts — blame the popular rap song, "Stop Rattin' and Start Muthafuckin' Shootin'" by the artist Yung Assazzin. The entire city of Baltimore is murdered. As an act of solidarity, the African government removes thousands of ancient tribal shields from its museums and sends them to America for protection.
April 2034 - Bono, Ricky Martin (now a senator from Florida), and Supreme Court Justice Jenna Jameson hold a press conference for African relief. Bono makes the following statement: "Even though Africa has surpassed both America and Europe as a society, it is important that we continue to support the continent. The only way we can improve our countries is by improving our souls, and the only way we can improve our souls is to show the goodness of our hearts through charitable donation." Americans nod, write checks, reapply their Tyson Chicken-flavored feeding tubes, and turn back to the popular game show "Is This a Man or a Kitten?" A month later, U2 releases a CD with absolutely nothing on it.
January 2038 - Inspired by Bono's words, but too lazy to act on them for 4 years, Americans go out in record numbers to buy the album A Nickel and a Creed: Doing What We Can to Support Africa. The album — a collection of Nickelback and Creed covers — costs only a nickel. Even though America recently decided to make its nickels out of solid gold in order to be as flashy as possible, they still have 1/1,000th the monetary value of the African penny due to the anemic state of the American economy. (The U.S. President recently sent most of the country’s printed currency to a Nigerian prince after receiving an urgent email.) Africa accepts this gift of gold coins as a show of good faith. Meanwhile, the city of New Orleaningham, which has relocated to Lexington, Kentucky, is destroyed by a 97-foot tall, chemically-enhanced cockroach. The cockroach continues its rampage through much of the Midwest. The government promises to take care of the cockroach ASAP.
November 2042 - African scientists, regarded as the best in the world, develop the technology that allows humans to fly. A small chip is installed in each African citizen's arm that, in addition to the powers of flight, allows them all of the same abilities as the chick in Terminator 3. Meanwhile, in the American city of Las Vegas, a man loses $400 on one hand of blackjack, snaps, chokes the dealer, and then goes on a massive killing spree that leaves everyone in the entire state of Nevada and half of Utah dead.
June 2047 - Always proactive, Africa decides to take the stockpile of America's gold nickels and melt them down, then coat the entire continent with liquid gold. After the process is complete, Africa is made of solid gold, with 50-foot golden walls going around the entire continent. Angelina Jolie's 32 adopted African children ask their mom if they can go back home.
August 2050 - Pollution proves deadly, as the polar icecaps melt and unleash a massive tidal wave throughout the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. The Pacific tidal wave blankets America's west coast, leaving everything west of the Rocky Mountains under water. The Atlantic tidal wave heads directly at Africa. However, it bounces off Africa's 50-foot solid gold wall and heads back at America with twice its original velocity. The waves engulf America's east coast, all the way to the Mississippi River. New York, Boston, Miami and all other major eastern cities are lost. The city of New Orlexingtoninham, which has recently relocated to Cincinnati, is totally flooded. The government says, "bahhdfldahf ahghaldgkd ndal;fjda hhdka lahdldahgd." The government is now under water; that loosely translates to "we'll take care of it ASAP.” All surviving Americans are forced to go underground to survive, except for born-again Christians and death metal fans, both of whom embrace the pending apocalypse.
*****
2100 - An American, who moved to Europe after surviving the Great Flood of 2050, takes a vacation to Africa's Paradise Coast (formerly known as Somalia). While staying in his 6-star resort on a beach with sand made of tiny platinum shards, he turns on the TV. TVs now exist in thin air and can be turned on using the mind. A commercial comes on, featuring a woman holding a dying child.