The Billionaire Stoner Ninja
Published by David M Potter at Smashwords
Copyright 2012 David M Potter
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
The Billionaire Stoner Ninja
By David M Potter
Jake tapped on the microphone. “Alright everybody, please take a bong rip.”
The audience sparked their lighters and smoked some fuckin’ weed.
“Is everybody stoned?”
“I am,” yelled the crack dwarf.
“Ok. For our first, middle and last order of business. There’s been a rumor going around that some of you have been running mercenary operations on your own time. That is strictly against the bylaws of our union, and if you are caught there will be consequences. There’s a reason that we organized. If we’re gonna kick ass, we’re gonna kick ass as a unified team. As a laser-sharp kick-ass sales machine.”
The audience exhaled.
“Now lets get out there and sell some fuckin’ dreams!”
The audience clapped as they left the atrium.
Jake stepped away from the microphone and took a bong rip. He coughed and leaned to Alyssia, his sales manager. “What’s our goal for today?”
“Forty seven,” said Alyssia.
“Forty fuckin’ seven. How much was the ad spend?”
“Five g.”
“That should do the trick. Hey, what’s that new girl’s name?”
“Dartanyan’s cube mate? Her name is Gracious Love. She’s from Blorzog.”
“Well. I’d like to meet her. Set something up if you would.” Jake took one last bong rip and walked out.
Alyssia turned off the lights and shut the doors.
2
Jake went into his Asian themed office. There were ninja swords and grappling hooks everywhere. He pulled off his dress shoes and changed into his ninja tabi. He sat down at the coffee table and rolled a joint. Someone knocked at his door.
“Come in.”
Buckster Jonsin walked in and shut the door. “We got a problem. The scanners are down in fulfillment.”
“All of them?”
“Yep. Tech is coming down as soon as they can. But it’s still gonna be a couple hours. Then we’ll have to reboot the whole fuckin’ system.”
“Fuck. Find a better scanner. Get it deployed as fast as you can. Every day we can’t ship, we get a huge raise in our returns. You want a doob?”
“Not right now,” said Buckster. “I’m keestering hash.” He turned around and walked out the door.
Jake called his wife. “Honey. What’s that fulfillment system you guys run over there?”
Eunice whispered into the phone “When are you coming home Sweets? I’m feeling frisky.”
“Not now,” whispered Jake. “We have an emergency here. I have to take care of it. Save some of that hot sugar for me. I’ll be home around eight, eight thirty.”
Two buff guys kicked open Jake’s door and started shooting at him. He flipped his desk over and pulled out a gun. “I gotta go Honey.” He put the cell phone in his pocket and unsheathed his ninja tanto.
“Come out with your hands up Jake, and we won’t hurt you,” said Ronzo, the buffer dude.
“Tell Mr. Stuphahooker that we’re still having problems in customer service and fulfillment.”
“You can tell me yourself.” Mr Stuphahooker stepped out from the backlit smoke. “So tell me Jake. I lend you money and you promise to pay me back. And you haven’t made one payment. How do you think that makes me feel? Put yourself in my shoes.” Mr. Stuphahooker pissed into Jake’s plant.
“We’ve had a bad two weeks. Our credit card processor put a freeze on our account. I haven’t been able to draw money for six days. The vendors are calling me. But paying you is my first priority.”
“It better fuckin’ be. And if it’s not, we’ll come back and kill you.” Mr. Stuphahooker opened up Jake’s laptop and took a shit in it. Then he walked out the door.
Jake sat at his coffee table and rolled another joint. He drank a glass of water and then went to his desk. He vacuumed the shit out of his laptop and started it up. The keyboard was fucked. He pulled out a Bluetooth keyboard. His desk phone rang.
“This is Jake,” he answered.
“They’re coming to get you.”
“Who is this?”
“A friend.”
“Well you’re late, friend. They were already here.”
“Oh shit.”
“Who is this?”
They hung up. Jake saw something moving in the mirror. But there was nothing there. He opened his wall safe and put all his cash and documents into a briefcase. He walked out his office and stopped at Alyssia’s desk. “I’m going to lunch. What’s that new girl’s name again?”
“Gracious Love.”
“Where does she sit?”
“In accounting. Behind Hobie.”
“Thanks.” He walked into the elevator and pressed the button for the third floor. The doors closed.
3
The most exciting thing about the accounting department was the document shredder. And the hookah that they had in the break room. Jake walked in. Gracious Love was pouring a cup of coffee. He introduced himself.
“Hello. My name is Jake.”
“I know who you are,” she said. “My name is Gracious Love.”
“I hear you’re from Blorzog?”
“Yes. Have you been there?”
“Not yet. But I’d love to check it out. I heard the fgmoehensofodjfoao is incredible.”
“It is. My grandma makes hers from scratch. You can even get it in the spaceport.”
“You can get it here at Brohoggs. But it’s expensive and it tastes like it’s from a can. They also have the most amazing caramel ice cream. Do you like caramel?”
“I do like caramel. But not if it’s so hard that it pulls out your fillings.”