A Day-Green Shade of Blue
By Andrew Sayler
{}
Published by Andrew Sayler at Smashwords
Copyright 2011 Andrew Sayler
For Rachal.
You destroyed my life.
You made me sane.
Lord.
Let all my crimes be counted in full.
Let all my sins be remembered in detail.
Amen.
Day 1
I wonder what it's like being insane. Praise the Lords of Heaven, though, that I am the sane person on this planet.
Stop, She says, sounding forlorn.
I don’t understand for a moment, then it dawns on me, I’m not a real person.
I walk past Her the first time, she looks at me softly, and I remember that I remember Her.
Stop, She says, as if it has meaning.
I die slowly.
Stop, She says and for Her I do.
Jared nods at his own wisdom.
The horror eats Her name.
For a long time, I thought that I was insane, many things confused me, my world never seemed to quite line up with the one that other people described, but then K told me that I was the only sane person on this planet, it (she) kindly told me that everyone else was insane, and I alone, I alone was the only one who could really understand what was going on.
Dark wisps of subconsciousness slide through my hair.
Sometimes it (it) is a door.
I love you, She says.
Who are you? I don’t know if I say this out loud, or if it is just another thought echoing from the chasm.
How could you do this to me? She screams.
How could you do this to me? She will scream.
How could you do this to me? She screamed.
I wonder if she sees Karrie. I lost Karrie when I was fourteen.
She stands up from the bench.
I love you, she says.
I keep walking.
I stop.
The officer has been chasing me since I got here.
They parade their horrors out before us. They show us their evils and promise that if we just give them a bit more (money, time, love, patience) then they will solve the problem. They will rid us of the evils that haunt us. They always forget to mention that they created evil.
Who are they?
I see the officer.
I run.
She smiles, a sad smile, but those are all She has.
She tells me.
She told me.
She will tell me about all the bad things that have happened to Her. She doesn’t say it, but this is Her excuse for those sad smiles. It is a bad one. It is not the real reason. She smiles sadly because She likes being sad. Being sad is the reason that people pay attention to Her. No one would give that up.
Stop! Terra screamed.
I wonder what idiot would name their child Terra.
Krist smiles.
The horror watches the bus stop.
The guard paws his many guns.
I am pretty sure that my rain dance isn’t working properly.
I want to tell Her about Terra, but the moment slips by and I realize that I am already two streets from Her. I never stopped.
She reaches out to hold my hand.
I don’t want this! Terra screams. Terra reminds me of Liza. I won’t meet Liza for at least week.
I’m sorry, sir, I have never seen you before. The clerk is lying to me. People lie to you when you have a gun to their head.
I try to take Her hand but I am two streets away. I wish I had stopped.
Her nails are painted a darker shade of lies.
The spiders say I love you.
The horror watches the officer.
K told me once that I was the only person who sees things the way that they are. Everyone else sees things in what they think is the real order, but I see things in their true order; this is why everyone is so confused. People can’t see cause and effect correctly, so they don’t know what is really happening. But I am lucky. I am loved by God. He has allowed me to see things the way they really are, and that’s why I understand things so well.
I wish God was real.
The horror watches us.
I hope that they don’t need cookies.
I pull the gun down from the clerks head.
When She finally finds my hand, She looks longingly into my eyes. It’s amazing how people can lie with their eyes.
I pull the trigger, there is nothing left of the clerk’s head. I don’t like being lied to, especially by a person’s eyes.
Sometimes I get a little angry.
A man bumps into me and then fades to nothing.
The officer doesn’t want me to be here. He has this in common with a few other people.
I ask if anyone on the bus has bug poison.
Spiders gnaw the brain.
I didn’t know that the word gnaw could apply to spiders. I guess you learn something new every day.
I love you, She says.
Stop, Terra whispers, struggling on the bed. I try to tell her that everything will be ok, but Terra is already dead and it doesn’t matter anymore.
They envelope him almost lovingly.
You ain’t takin my Ten Commandments. You ain’t takin my Bible. And you ain’t touching my faith. The man screams these words to the darkness and is no more. Their echo lasts longer than he does.
Her parents tell me that it was very nice prayer.
Through Lacy’s power, the world is saved and everything is made right. The end. Go home now.
If this sentence is true, then Terra will never die.
She looks deep into my soul for moment. If She could see my soul, She would see a world made up of everything that I had lost. That is what our souls are comprised of, everything that we loved and that which is no longer around for us to love.
I wonder if She sees Pouncer. I lost Pouncer when I was seven.
Sometimes it (it) is a window.
From somewhere that is not here the sound of a dying child reaches my ears. It makes me smile. At least it will be with God now.
She tells me how She was abused as a child. Her father beat her. Her mother ignored her. I know she is lying. Everyone lies because God has a gun to all of our heads, and everyone lies when they have a gun to their head.
I wish I could hear Her, but I am two blocks away. That is where I meet Terra.
That is where I meet Liza.
Terra reminds me of Liza.
I meet Liza two weeks later at the bus stop.
Focus, she whispers.
If I had a voice like that, I could rule the world.
K once told me not to fear authority. K told me that authorities thrive on such a fear. Fear is what wills them into being. If I want to overcome some authority, it (she) told me, I have to control my fear of the authority. Then I can overthrow them and become the authority, making people fear me so that I can survive.
I remember when George found the hat.
I tell Terra about the woman’s words, but it is too late and Terra is already dead.
I never cry for the dead.
I never cried for Terra.
I don’t think that I can cry.
She tells me that Her brother use to rape Her. That every guy She has met before me has been cruel to Her. Only Her body.
Can you really rape something that isn’t real? I don’t know if I say this out loud or if it is just another thought echoing from the chasm.
I wonder if she sees the key to room 431, I lost it yesterday.
Please, Terra screams.
I changed my mind, Terra cries. I try to tell Terra that it is too late, but Terra is already dead.
Terra reminded me of Liza.
I changed my mind, Liza cries. I try to tell Liza that it is too late, but I don’t think that it matters anymore.
The horror reminds me of home. I never heard of home. The horror ate all of those memories. The horror ate everything that made me.
The horror assumes Madaline.
Madaline reminds me of nothing.
Death before tuna.
The guard watches me.
Death before love.
Madaline.
Madaline, She whispers.
The officer stares at me from down the street. The running begins again.
She holds my hand.
The horror watches as She whispers I love you.
I love you, She says.
The clerk looks shocked that I put the gun down.
I could never shoot anyone while I am in love, not even a clerk.
The horror watches as I slide inside Liza.
I slide inside of Liza.
I shout the name at the dead lamp post.
Madaline.
I wonder if she can see my blanket. I lost my blanket when I was five.
I meet Liza two streets away, at a bus stop.
I work on my scale.
My lawyer tells me that I should plead insanity. I try to tell my lawyer that I am the only sane person left on this planet. My lawyer doesn’t believe me. I think that my lawyer is from a different planet where there are lots of sane people.
The clerk’s blood slides down the wall, it reminds me of Jell-o.
Liza smiles at me.
Liza says hi.
Terra says please.
They may or may not be the same person.
There are tears in Terra’s eyes. I try to say that it is never too late, but Terra is already dead.
The horror watches as I move Terra’s pillow.
I move Terra’s pillow.
Little black masses follow me.
I am pretty sure that other people don’t see the same world that I do. Not in the same order at the very least. I wasn’t even sure that there was the same amount in my world and in their world. But K assures me that there is a bijection between them.
My mother loved me. Mother would sing to me every night about strawberries and wine. I wish that I could live in that world.
My father would help me with my homework at night. My father would play all manner of games with me. My father loved me.
Twitch. Click. Boom.
Twitch. Click. Boom.
Fade to blue.
I hide in the bushes.
We hide in the bushes.
She hides in the bushes.
The horror is watching us as She stands up from the bench. I see it out of the corner of my eye. Well, I not see ...
She doesn’t notice anything. I hope that She will never notice.
My parents don’t love me, She lies.
My parents think that they love me, but they don’t, She tells me, looking at me, deep past my eyes and into my soul. For a moment our souls connect and I believe her. It is amazing how people can lie with their soul.
I pull the trigger, there is nothing left of the clerk’s head. I don’t like being lied to, especially by a person’s soul.
Liza’s clothes are burning.
Liza’s eyes are burning.
Liza puts the eye-fire out. The excess water runs down her cheek.
Spiders crawl out of Terra’s eyes.
I love you, She says.
How could anyone ever love you? I don’t know if I say this out loud, or if it is just another thought echoing from the chasm.
The swastika is burning on the floor; I wish that I had lit it.
The officer never thought to look in the bushes. Probably, because no one would ever hide there. I would never hide there.
They think it would be better if I leave.
Insert your own philosophical truth. We are lacking one here in this universe.
Terra smiles as I throw the cheap synthetic shirt on the ground.
Liza smiles as I throw the cheap synthetic shirt on the ground.
They don’t even look at the bodies.
Girls are more likely to sleep with you if you pretend to be a rebel.
The horror sees everything that I was.
The horror sees everything that I am.
I wonder if there is a difference.
She hears the concern in my voice. I think that my voice worries Her.
K told me once that girls aren’t real, so I can do anything that I want to them, and it won’t matter. I asked K why I still felt guilty about hurting them. K took a long time in explaining, but that is how it (she) is, everything it (she) says takes a long time to say. Basically, K told me that I was sane now (Praise the Lords of Heaven), but that I hadn’t always been sane, so there are still some residual effects.
Liza’s clothes fall to the floor. I want to put them back on her, but it is too late.
Maybe I should burn the clothes.
She decides that we'd been standing there long enough. So we leave. We walk two streets down.
We walk to the bus stop.
I wonder if She can see my mother. I lost my mother when I was twenty.
Sometimes it (it) is a TV screen.
I see Terra.
Stop, Terra pleads with me.
Stop, Terra pleads with God (I'm assuming there is a difference).
I say hi to Terra, but she just looks at me funny. I never met Terra.
Terra reminded me of Liza
I see Liza.
Stop, Liza pleads with me,
Stop, Liza pleads with God; or maybe I am mistaken.
I say hi to Liza, but she just looks at me funny. I never met Liza.
She walks next to me as if we are old friends.
I die slowly.
She walks next to me as if we are old lovers.
I pull Terra down beneath me to hide Terra from the officer. I don’t want the officer to get either of us.
I hope that she doesn’t notice it (it). I don’t want to have to explain to her what it (it) is.
I don’t know what it (it) is.
Liza smiles shyly at me.
Liza is lying to me.
Liza is not shy. Liza wants me to believe the lie about being shy. Liza wants to believe the lie about being shy. Liza is not shy.
I talk to Liza.
Liza thinks that I am a rebel. Liza wants to believe that I am a rebel.
Everyone wants to believe that they are a rebel. People don’t like real rebels. Real rebels make us sick. Real rebels believe things that we do not. Real rebels stand for things that we hate.
Liza thinks that I am rebel.
Rebels die horrible deaths.
The name is Madaline, she will tell me.
The name will be Madaline, she tells me.
I don’t know if I should try to protect Her from the horror, or if She even needs protecting from this evil. Something tells me that this sort of evil cannot touch Her. Of course, the only way to be sure about this is to do a little experimenting. Though today, I don’t feel like being a scientist.
The guard is some sort of gigantic mechanical monstrosity.
She looks over to the bus stop where I am talking to Liza and squeezes my hand for a moment.
I especially don’t want the officer to get Terra.
I wish I was a real person.
The stars are so naked.
I meet Terra two streets down.
Terra is crying.
Terra’s tears make me feel (happy) (sad) (empty).
(I am the empty set.)
Terra thinks that I am sensitive.
Liza thinks that I am a rebel.
She thinks that I am a romantic.
The metallic sound screeches in my head.
I wonder if she can see my father. I lost my father when I was twenty three.
They come from Terra’s eyes.
My parents didn’t die when I was young. This makes people sad when I tell them. They look at me with pity and shake their heads to show that they empathize with my suffering. They look at me as if I don’t have a soul. I try to tell them that I have lost enough to still have a soul, but they don’t believe me.
I slide myself into Liza.
Liza smiles up at me.
Liza smiles down at me.
Drip. Drip.
The guard shoves me away violently. It is not my turn.
Terra wants me to smile.
Karrie smiled, I remember that.
I miss Karrie.
Stop, Terra pleads with me.
I wish that I could help Terra but she can’t be saved by anyone.
I wish that I could help you, I say to Terra. The rest is understood.
Of course, it would probably help Terra if I got off.
Too late. Haha.
My mother is singing about strawberries again.
Wine. Million. Tomorrow.
My lawyer looks at me sympathetically. My lawyer doesn’t care about me. My lawyer just thinks that I have lost enough to have a soul. He doesn’t want to see a soul disappear. He doesn't care actually care about my soul.
She is not afraid of the officer, She hides for the fun of it.
All of this is just a game for Her.
The bus driver closes the door.
I open Liza’s door.
My father is teaching me how to play Clue.
She pushes Herself against me. She holds Her body tight against me. She wants me to know that She loves me. It is amazing how people can lie with their body.
I pull the trigger, there is nothing left of the clerk’s head. I don’t like being lied to, especially by a person’s body.
The judge is confused.
Everyone is confused. This is because they can’t see cause and effect. This is because they are insane. If they were sane … well things would just be better.
K told me once that I could do whatever I wanted to children. A child hasn’t lost enough to have a soul yet; so it doesn’t matter what happens to children, they aren’t real people yet. I understand this. I have stopped questioning what K tells me. I know that K is always right, so I will always believe K.
She wants me to meet her parents.
She wants me to tell her parents.
I wonder how old Terra is, I go to ask Her, but it is too late, etc.
The bus driver closes the door. The bus driver reminds me of a cat. I remind me of tuna fish.
I hate tuna fish.
I wonder how old Terra is. Terra tells me sixteen.
I see the man with the yellow hat.
I love you, She says.
I hope you die alone. I don’t know if I say this out loud, or if it is just another thought echoing from the chasm.
Confusion makes Liza wet.
Terra fades beneath me.
The horror doesn’t care about anything that it sees.
Liza moans as I slide inside Her.
Stop, Terra moans.
I miss Karrie.
I wonder if She can see my slinky. I lost my slinky when I was twelve.
I ask the man with the yellow hat where George is.
Terra is crying in my arms.
Terra? Liza?
Liza cries in my arms.
Reverse that and repeat.
Sometimes it (it) is the footprints in the mud.
I hold Liza in my arms. Liza moans and tries to kiss me. I try to put the kiss back on her lips but it is too late.
Sometime it (it) is the footprints in the blood.
I have always missed Karrie.
The man with the yellow hat tells me that George had to be put to sleep.
K once told me that I think about myself to much, my whole world is about me. It is unhealthy, K explained to me, to think only about just yourself. A person needs to care about other people. A person needs to have someone to hold their hand. A person needs someone to hold at night, otherwise everything that they person thinks about will slowly erode them. Other people keep us intact. Other people keep us from eroding away.
The name Madaline brings back memories of nothing.
I shoot the man with the yellow hat in the face.
The studio audience cheers.
Every time I close my eyes, I see the officer.
Seductive.
I am pretty sure that I have seen the officer before, in another life, perhaps. In another reality, perhaps. Back when I was real person and the officer didn’t want to do whatever it is that he wants to do to me.
Memories shift through me and are consumed by the horror.
I tell K that I know what it (she) means. I tell K about Terra. K looks at me as if I am a monster. K tells me that I am a monster. I tell K that I know what it (she) means. K tells me that it (she) is never going to see me again. K tells me that I scare it (her). I don’t want to lose K, but I think that I have done enough for today.
It (it) calls to me.
I hold Terra until I fall asleep.
I hold Liza until I fall asleep.
I hold her until I fall asleep.
I fall asleep.
Let A be not empty.
Amen.
Day 2
For some reason, no matter how long people angrily rant about how much you hurt them, they will always disagree with you when you tell them that you are a horrible person. I think that it is some type of gut reaction.
Terra stops crying.
The Earth keeps spinning.
(Praise the Lord of Heaven!)
The officer always wears sunglasses, even though the world is almost always overcast.
I think Terra is dead. I don’t know why she would want to die on me.
His motions express my pain.
She wants me to love Her.
I don’t know why. Perhaps She’ll die.
Nothing but wisps of evil held together by malevolence and contempt.
I eat my lawyer’s eyes.
Terra can’t see me, but I am. I will always be here for her. Terra is the one who will eventually leave me. Just like one day, I will eventually leave Her.
Thankfully, there is the loop, so it doesn’t matter that much.
Hello, sir, the clerk says, smiling at Liza. I try to tell him that Liza is not sir, but then Liza is gone and there is no point.
I have a plan, Liza screams softly.
I think that the officer is learning my habits.
Deep tissue damage. Pain spidering skin deep. Collective scarring around the edges. Creations of psychological desperations. Hopeless meanings. Thoughts of depression. Liquid forced dreams eating my liver. Forecasting memories of normality. Mouth open. Air escaping. Dying like the Sodomites.
I remember Karrie.
There is this man saying you have been killed, Charlotte.
The bus drive presses the accelerator.
She tells me about Her childhood.
The priest watches Her patiently, judgment with a smile.
The horror doesn’t chase me like the officer does. The horror is just always there. A fog that surrounds the edges of my vision.
Sometimes it (it) is the single brick, not noticeable from the rest, except for the guard who always stands in front of it (it) with his eyes carefully watching me.
Terra smiles at the hug. How rude.
Liza smiles at the hug. How rude.
The taco stand owner looks at us funny. He hasn’t been in this world for very long. Hopefully his eyes will arrive soon.
For some reason people look at me funny as Terra and I walk past them on our way to the bus stop. As if they know some secret about me. I wish I knew this secret about me. Then I could look at myself in that funny way.
Terra believes that I will save Her.
She believes that I will save Her.
There is no saving Terra.
Motion.
No one looks at us funny now. Those that did pay attention to us already know what we are running from.
Her parents don’t know me like I know me.
Fade.
I lean down and whisper my lie into Terra’s ear.
K once told me. K once told me nothing. K is gone. I love K. I have to get K back; that is why I am alive today. God has decided that today I will find K.
I wish God was real.
I wish indeed.
Motion from the corner of my eye.
My father cheats at Monopoly, though not in a bad way. The cheating goes on in a fun way. My father is fun at games.
Lacy screams.
Who is Lacy?
Maybe Lacy is Karrie returned to me.
Maybe Lacy is K returned to me.
I look for K in the screams.
The horror ate another dog today. Perhaps eat is a bad verb to describe the action. Assumed perhaps would be better. There was no violent shredding. Nothing was pulled apart. The dog simply became part of the horror. But still, there is a feeling of anger at this action. A sense that it was done out of malice. But the horror isn’t something that can get angry, so this anger is probably my imagination.
I am the mechanic.
Two tacos please. Maybe K is in the tacos.
We walk hand in hand down the road. Along the road lie old red bricks stacked in odd patterns. I think that they are supposed to be some type of building. It is hard to tell, every time I look at them, they change structure. Always ordered. Always a different order.
The guard makes me wait in line like the rest of these common people.
Nymphets do not occur in polar regions.
Maybe we could just change the coordinate system.
The spiders say I need you.
She smiles at me for a moment and I wish that I had never been born.
If this sentence is true, K will come back to me.
The jurors look at me across the room. My gun misfires and I shoot the wrong juror.
Oops, not again. We all have a good laugh after that.
I have an idea, Liza’s smile tells me.
The horror whispers my name into the wind.
The horror assumes my name.
She never had a name.
Maybe the horror is just a mindless machine.
Maybe we are all just machines.
The bus stop always has an odd light glowing over it. I have often wondered what that means.
Like him, I have fallen from the grace of Humana.
Like him, I have fallen from the grace of Heaven.
Given that humans invented Heaven, I don’t think that there is a major difference between those two statements. I have been known to be wrong before, though.
I wish K was here to save me. I remember, all the times K would abandon me. K was never there for me when I needed it(her). That is why I love K. That is why I will always love K.
The girls-thing struggles harder. As if it matters. As if they matter.
I see the officer putting up posters around town.
I hold Terra.
Terra can’t see me, but I am.
She nods gently.
I don’t know why.
Perhaps she’ll die.
I taste the jell-o.
Maybe K is in the jell-o.
The judge looks at me from across the room.
Terra’s parents glare at me from across the room.
Terra’s parents glare at me from across the world.
I am the word.
That doesn’t make sense.
Jared explains his ideas without looking at me. Odd that he wouldn’t look at me, I wonder if it is perhaps because he is not use to his human body.
They envelope him almost lovingly
Don’t drool on me. You dirty man.
Cogs and wheels connect giant steel beams.
Today I had to hide, gasping behind the taco stand.
Today we had to hide, gasping behind the taco stand.
I try to recall what K told me about Jared, but nothing comes to mind. Without it (her), I think that my mind is broken. I will have to retrieve my tools from Jared so that I can fix my mind. I should never have left them in his ear, but I am getting forgetful without K here.
Terra cries. The cry echoes in my head like the memory of happiness.
The studio audience claps their approval.
Everyone cries on cue.
God tells me that I should never have been born.
I cry softly.
The clerk looks at Jared.
I have a plan, I repeat to myself.
I tell Liza about K.
I tell Terra about K.
I tell her about K.
Which one am I, again?
The horror is slowly consuming trees in the park. Nothing too major. Just slowly, leaves are being assumed by it. Slowly the branches go, then the truck.
Truck?
Woodchuck.
The clerk looks confused. I wonder why the clerk is sitting in the jell-o. Then I remember the clerk is insane.
I bow for the studio audience. They applaud.
I have a plan, Liza says.
It is sure to be a vile place.
I don’t let go of Terra until there are no more tears.
Terra dies of dehydration.
No more tears.
The jurors glare down at me from their high seats. They control my fate. Only God controls my fate. This must make the jurors God.
When She hears about K, She looks at me sadly.
She cries as she tells me about Her past.
Terra can’t see me, but I am. That should be enough to keep Terra alive until I can save her.
The clerk’s blood pools around his body. The shapeless uniform soaks in the blood. The stain will never come out. And this is the only immortality you and I may ever share, my Lolita.
I have an idea, Liza says.
The guard lets so many other people in.
His motions express Terra’s pain.
I don’t know who these people are. I don’t know why they are here. They showed up one day unexpectedly, without telling me. How rude.
I love you, She says.
I love you, K.
Horror doesn’t protect anything like the guard does; though the horror does guard something, in a difference sense of the word. The horror shields me from the outside world. Or maybe, the horror shields the outside world from me.
I run out of the room screaming, I don’t want to know this Liza-person.
Haha, She thought I was a real person.
I look deep into Her eyes. For a moment, for a moment of a moment, my life flashes before my eyes. Everything I have ever loved. Everything I have ever hoped. Everything I have ever felt. Condenses into this one heart beat. My soul. I am the empty set.
I scream until I die.
Terra doesn’t like the officer.
Terra tells me things about the officer.
Jared tells me about how people judge him because of his actions. Jared believes that he is more than his actions. Jared believes that each person wears a mask to that hide their true self.
Terra walks with me, holding my hand. I wonder what She will think of this.
I eat my lawyer’s tongue.
Liza walks with me, lying with that soft smile as she tells me the plan.
The jury hangs on my every word, convincing themselves that my words hold some meaning. People believe such lies because it is required for them to believe that their words have meaning. People believe such lies because if they think that if their words don’t have meaning then their lives are useless. They are be right.
The clerk looks at me with those sad, tired eyes.
The clerk has no eyes.
Liza has a plan.
I fall asleep to the sound of my own screams.
Krist comes from the same place as K. Except Krist is evil. Except Krist is here and K is not.
They think it would be better if I leave.
I don’t know who these people are. They came without being invited. How rude.
Memories shift through me and are consumed by the horror.
Terra smiles.
She reminds me of Karrie.
I lost Karrie when I was fourteen.
I am drawn to it (it). K thought that this is because it (it) is evil, and humans have always been attracted to evil. Of course, K is no longer here, so I’m not sure why what K thought matters now.
His motion expresses Her pain.
Liza tries to whispers her plan. Liza’s words tickle my ear. I wish I knew what they meant.
The water runs down my face.
I wipe Terra’s tears from the cheek.
For some reason that was never made clear to me, people seem to think that they should continually apologize to me, as if somehow I can forgive them. As if forgiveness is a choice.
Sections of the tile glisten with the water. I look for the source of the water, but none exists.
Somewhere a girls-thing screams.
Maybe K is in the girls-thing’s screams.
His motions express the girls-thing’s pain.
I save her.
The horror watches me die.
I watch me die.
Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts.
Fly.
Alone, Terra rocks in the bed. Terra can’t see me, but from the window, I am watching the oscillatory motion. Terra can’t see me, but I am.
I stand next to Terra’s bed. I never left the room. I will never leave the room. I will always be with my Terra.
Tell us, oh, Cassandra!
I love you She tells such beautiful lies.
I hope that Terra doesn’t notice it (it). I don’t want to have to explain to Terra what it (it) is.
These uninvited people start running in one direction. I look to see what is over there, but I see nothing. This must be some form of mass hysteria.
My lawyer looks annoyed; I should give him back his eyes.
I don’t know why.
Perhaps he’ll die.
Everyone moans as I slide inside them.
Jared starts talking to me. I wonder if it is something about my face that makes him want to talk to me. Maybe it is because today I decided to wear someone else’s face.
Twitch. Click. Boom.
Twitch. Click. Boom.
The rabbit’s eyes stare deep into my soul. For some reason everyone lately is able to stare into my soul.
For some reason, the officer seems to enjoy chasing us. Every now and again I think that I see the slightest glimmer of a smile on his face when he sees me and Terra running from him.
Perhaps I am too obsessed with eyes. Maybe it was because of Karrie’s eyes.
There is no Terra.
I think that Terra might be able to see the horror.
Looking, I remember K. K would tell me things. K made me feel alone.
A quest!
A quest for hope.
Krist tries to assign me my fate. Silly Krist. Fate is for God.
She tells me about Her past.
Haha, you thought I was a real person.
Krist burns everyone that I love on his spit. I hope he doesn’t use barbeque sauce. I don’t really like barbeque sauce.
Maybe I should consider other body parts besides eyes.
Hopefully, this doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends.
Liza tells me the plan again. This time, I don’t understand.
She can’t finish reading it. It disturbs Her too much.
I am always able to notice it (it); at the very least I will see it (it) out of the corner of my eye or feel in (it) in the corner of the world.
Terra’s body is filled with filth.
She touches me. All at once we were madly, clumsily, shamelessly, agonizingly in love with each other.
Terra’s breasts smile at me.
Look at them, see how the light reflects the spearmint green from their surface.
Sometimes old people sicken me. I know their secrets. Like they know mine.
Terra tells me about her life. I try to feel sorry for Terra, but I’m not sure when I should.
She thinks that She should be sad. Her life is terrible, She tells me. She looks at me for comfort. Wants me to put my arms around her, to hold Her until She can’t feel Her fictitious pain. She wants me to save her from the cruel world that exists only in her collapsing mind.
The things that Terra says come out in gasps and moans. The things that Terra says about the officer are barely understandable.
It then dawns on me that She doesn’t exist.
She holds me until sunrise.
I see the look in Terra’s face when the horror gets near us. It never gets too near, so I am never too afraid.
Terra and I walk through time, hand in hand; we pass the bus stop where I am waiting with her. I give me a nasty look.
I give me a look of betrayal.
Liza laughs at my confusion. The laugh echoes in my head like the memory of happiness.
I am the cause.
Krist keeps me on this loop.
The judge seems to believe that he is laying down the judgment of God.
Terra’s hair is the color of rejection.
Red. Deep. Complete.
Maybe K is in Terra’s hair.
Find a comb.
Maybe Terra sees the horror.
The horror is not cancer.
We reject people without realizing what we have done to them, or even that we have done it to them. We are a generation of rejection. We are lost without even knowing what that means.
God in heaven we are a whiny generation.
His motion expresses Liza’s pain.
Liza has no pain.
Today, it (it) is the letter “l” in the old sign hanging on the wall.
Maybe Terra only sees the terror on my face.
Cancer kills for fun.
Hapless chair-monger.
She is the only one that is real.
The arch-enemy sometimes decides that he should talk to me. Whispers his thoughts into at least one of my ears. I try to discount the decadent words of the nemesis, but deep down, I am beginning to believe his lies.
I am not sure that Terra knows as much about the officer as Terra claims to.
The jury looks bored. I try to feel sorry for them, but I’m not sure when I should.
She is everyone.
The chains that hold the girls-thing down are pulled taunt as the girls-thing struggles against them.
I wish I wasn’t the only real person.
I watch the bus drive away; thankful that I will never ride it.
From Hell, Terra’s words eat through my soul.
I see the filth escaping Terra’s body.
I watch Terra die.
I don’t know why.
Perhaps Terra will die.
I watch as two joggers run into the horror,
I think I hear their souls scream.
I think I hear their souls mock me.
Deep inside me, I know that there is no K. Deep inside me, I know that I have created it (her) so that I don’t have to face the reality of this world. Deep inside me, I know that K is my excuse for being like this. Deep inside me, I know that K is me. Deep inside me, I am the empty set.
Krist tells me everything that I know about K.
On days with even numbers, I sacrifice children to Krist.
I pull the trigger, nothing happens. The clerk signs with relief. The clerk and I eat the jell-o together.
I have a plan, Her body tells me.
Maybe I can’t tell the difference.
I can’t tell if there is only one officer, of several officers who all look fairly similar. I have never seen the officer too closely.
A sort of compromise.
The jury reaches their decision. This seems a little premature, given that I haven’t even committed any offenses yet, but this is the way of people. Judgment is not based on logic, but on emotion; and with emotion, the order of events is unimportant.
Dead on reentry.
Jared tells me that people shouldn’t judge each other. Jared tells me that we never really see other people’s true side. I am going to assume that he believes a lot of other stupid things.
Her parents smile as I sit down. Our farce continues.
With such lithe the dancer moves through his choreographed actions, falling in slow motion against the wall, his dance expressing the pain of a dead generation. The holes in his body symbolize his death.
The bus driver watches us, mistrusting our movement.
Focus She whispers.
Motion from the corner of my eye. People appear there.
Liza whispers the plan in my ear. The whisper echoes in my head like the whisper of happiness.
The dinner continues on, much like the battle of Antietam, which has never actually ended, the souls of those soldiers will fight for eternity.
The angel of the morning feels my pain. Like him, I have fallen from the grace of God.
I wish God was real.
Sometimes I think that K came to me in order to replace whatever I had before K.
Terra’s tears stain my clothes.
Disconnected.
I consider Liza’s plan.
Terra is the only one that I worry about the horror hurting. Terra might be able to sense the horror. Terra might be able to be hurt by the horror. I don’t want to chance that she could be hurt. I don’t want to lose my Terra.
I kiss Terra.
I taste the filth on Terra’s lips.
The someone has a name tag.
She kisses me.
She doesn’t taste like filth.
She says: Look, let’s cut out the kissing game and get something to eat.
Liza kisses Terra.
I wonder if Liza can taste the filth in Terra’s body.
Terra loves me.
How sad.
The jell-o stares at me. I think that I should have listened to it more. That is a common problem with my gender.
From the bus, I see a man dressed as a cow shouting false truths at a sea of eye. The eyes roll over each other with a constant tidal motion. Back. Forth. The eyes can’t hear the cow-man. Maybe they can read lips, because I see agreement in the eyes.
Slowly the bed stains from the imaginary red. I watch.
Bleed out.
I look for K in the red.
How can I kill the officer?
Can the officer be killed?
Liza fades away from me.
People disappearing as their bodies are flung thousands of miles an hour into space. Screams for a second just before they die.
No, Terra’s soul screams. Terra can’t scream, but her soul cries out in pain for her.
I am the cause of all pain.
Terra can’t scream because dead spiders clog her mouth.
Slowly the exorcist completes the rite to remove the horror.
Terra and I bath naked in the river of blood.
Ancient people were far more violent than I believe possible.
Liza and I bath naked in the river of blood.
Ancient people were far more superstitious than I believe possible.
She and I bath naked in the river of blood.
Ancient people were far more diseased than I believe possible.
She and Terra bath naked in the river of blood.
Gods of Heaven, I am the luckiest man alive to be able to watch that.
The horror assumes the exorcist.
Why did Lucifer fall? What were his reasons? How could anyone stand before God and believe that they could beat him? Perhaps, like me, Lucifer didn’t fall because he truly believed that he could overthrow heaven. Perhaps Lucifer rebelled on principle. Perhaps I should fight for my principles. Perhaps I should have principles.
The priest explains his philosophy to me, carefully. He explains to me about the love of God. About how God will show mercy on everyone. Mercy from His divine judgment.
Nothing is more pathetic than a little girl dying.
Madaline.
Nothing is more pathetic than me.
I am a dying little girl.
I have dreams about the officer.
I jump from the table screaming, my hands over my ears. Her parents continue to smile. Perhaps they find this farce as funny as I do. Perhaps we finally have some common ground. I try to tell them this, but as I look at them closer, I realize something.
Her parents are manikins stolen from a department store. This is a common occurrence among people from their generation. Likely because of some chemical that some person has put in the water. Chemicals have that power. So said the television. Maybe the chemical was freedom.
Motion from the corner of my eye. People appear there. These people seem angry.
I die slowly.
Scream out.
I wish that I could imagine a life without K. I know that K wasn’t always in my life, some time ago, not sure how long exactly (Eight years), but some time ago there was no K. I don’t remember if I was happy. I don’t remember what it means to be happy without K.
Terra doesn’t know me like I know me.
I smell the filth in Terra’s body.
Cancer smells like cigarettes.
Dying reminds me of living.
Living reminds me of ketchup.
Glop.
Cigarettes smell like chocolate and cancer.
I am embarrassed for the stars. They are naked.
Dark thoughts make it through the horror's nets to the outside world.
Jared. How can I judge anyone except by their actions? What else is there? I can’t read people’s minds. I can only observe their actions, this is all there is to judge people by. This is all there is to judge me by. Jared ignores my questions.
Light of my life, fire of my loins, my sin, my soul.
I don’t know why.
Perhaps I'll die.
The universe should come with a sticker that says used.
The bus jerks harshly under me as Jared looks for an empty seat before deciding that he should take the seat next to me. I look through the rest of the empty bus. The empty, tattered seats plead for Jared to join him. Jared ignores the tattered seats. The empty, tattered seats moan for Jared to join them. Jared ignores the moaning. I wish Jared wasn’t deaf. I take out my screw driver, for to fix Jared’s ears, but he starts talking and I decide to wait.
Terra’s parents yell angrily, as if somehow any of this is my fault, as if somehow anything is my ever fault.
Hope burns red.
I caught it from a toilet seat.
The officer sees me. The starting gun fires. The runners begin.
She looks up at me, as the dark drops begin fall. The hope in Her eye is eclipsed by a droplet, falling into it.
His creeds are nothing put greeting cards read loudly.
Gently, the dying day ebbs to completion. Everything of importance reaches its conclusion. The living live, the dead pretend to. My soul hangs above me, watching as I drift between worlds. Thoughts run through my head, etching their memory into my subconscious. Looking through the refracting lens of my soul, I see the world as it could be, as it should be; with peace; with patience; with salvation. There in that forced reality, I find K.
Let A be not empty.
Amen.
Day 3
Every day seems to be competing for the honor of being named the worst day of my life. When all the days have finished, I think that I will hand out prizes to at least the top three. A lot of effort is going into this competition, a lot of broken hearts by the end of it. I wonder if fourth place will cry. I hope so.
Liza’s plan unfolds before me.
The name Madaline brings back memories of nothing. But that doesn't seem right. There should be something there. Something cataloged under “Madaline.”
We go to the bus stop.
The officer is waiting at the bus stop. We have to go somewhere else.
What is your sign?
Two doves crashing head on in the air.
I am a Cancer, Terra says, lying calmly.
Her feet tell me nothing about Her soul.
Her parent’s tell me that that was very nice prayer.
K has always warned me against these girls. K tells me that they aren’t good for me, that they will likely cause me to die in several horrible ways (maybe all at once.). I’m not sure if I should trust K. K left me. Plus for some reason K is now a cup. I have never trusted cups. I love you, K.
Crime increases while I dream.
I cannot see the horror, but I know that it is there.
Liza slides her hand down my pants. I wonder what she will find down there.
A quest!
I could spend hours contemplating what is beyond it (it). No doubt I will find out eventually. No doubt I will find out in a few days. Either that or I will be contemplating these very thoughts again, in a few days.
The spiders say I will always be there for you.
From the sky, droplets of darkness drip down.
Slumped against the wall, the jell-o tells me about the clerk’s life; the sad stories; the momentary happy memories; the slight variations on the standard human dreams that turn a meaningless pile of carbon into something real, into something with a soul.
Don’t think of the words searing or flesh or tissue or charred.
Jared nods at his own wisdom.
Shifting back and forth. Ebbing like the tide.
My lawyer taps the papers together, looking serious. I never thought that paper was that serious of an object. Of course, we are from different worlds. Maybe in my lawyer’s world, paper is a very serious subject on which life and death often hang.
The girls-thing doesn’t seem to mind being chained down. Thank god, because I’m not sure how to let the girl-thing up.
The empty bus drives away. I have never seen anyone on this bus before. I will never see anyone ride this bus. The bus drive’s dead hands slump against the window as if he tried to escape. I wondered why he decided to die.
An apple a day keeps God away or so the serpents say.
Clerk: Born twenty years ago.
Clerk: Empty.
She knows things that She shouldn’t.
At the bus stop, a woman stands on a box preaching both hatred and tolerance. The woman’s words are repeated by an army of rats that stand in front of the box. The rats recite starting from the front and moving backwards so there is an echo effect that is very unsettling. The rats bow after each paragraph uttered from the woman.
Clerk: Sad.
Clerk: Screaming.
Liza’s tongue slides into my mouth. This reminds me of the bullet sliding into the clerk’s neck.
The horror moves ever forward. Its dark tendrils penetrate deeper into the world. Sometime they reach all the way to the bus stop. It never goes near it (it) though.
Water runs down my face.
I tell Terra about the woman’s words, but it is too late and Terra is already dead.
Clerk: Hungry.
Clerk: Happy.
Maybe the officer is some sort of gate keeper. Like the guard only now he has gone rogue.
Clerk: Alone.
Clerk: Babbling.
The studio audience cheers.
I understand now what Terra meant, if only it wasn’t too late.
She sees me with Terra.
Memories shift through me and are consumed by the horror.
Terra sees me with Her.
Liza sees me with them.
Of course, sir, the clerk says to me, handing me a bag. (What is in the bag?) Are all clerks so polite? The clerk asks. I don’t know, the clerk responds. Are there any clerks? The clerk asks me (What is in the bag?). I don’t know, the clerk responds.
How could you do this to me? She screams.
How could you do this to me? Terra will scream.
How could you do this to me? Liza screamed.
Which one are you again? K murmurs these words for me from my left elbow. They must think that I said it.
The officer is not afraid of the horror.
Clerk: Pain.
The judge sighs with boredom. Am I boring? Is my life boring? God I hope so.
Liza storms away.
Clerk: Sharp. Needles. Pain.
Thank God, K was here to save me from Liza.
We are not alone.
The clerk sees the horror.
The clerk is very afraid of the horror.
I think that it (it) might be a problem with the loop. Like a tear in the universe that Krist has created for me.
I see the officer putting up signs around my world.
Clerk: Contentment. As mother rocks me gently. Soft songs fold into the haze.
Poor George. They probably held him down while they force poison into him. Death is never gentle.
I pull the trigger. Water squirts in to the clerks face. He smiles and attempts to take the gun away from me, but that would ruin my game.
The jurors shuffle restlessly, they have already reached their verdict, but still they are locked in this looped reality. I am glad that someone else is here with me.
Terra storms away.
Thank God, K was here to save me from Terra.
Clerk: Excitement. Mother tickles my belly.
She storms away.
Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts.
Clerk: Acceleration. Flying in the air.
I am Jack’s apathy.
Thank God, K was here to save me from her.
Clerk: Sleepy. As I suckle.
Clerk: Cold. Wet. Water dripping on my head.
Jared nods again. I thought that moving would be painful with my screwdriver in his ear, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He just keeps talking about the world and people and causality. I have never met these people that Jared talks about. I don’t think people exist.
Contaminated flesh.
This is my soul.
The clerk screams when he sees the horror.
Anything that the clerk is afraid of, I think that I might need to be a little concerned about.
Liza runs out of the store screaming, blood on her face and clothes. I try to stop Liza, but I am too slow. I try to stop Liza, but I was never there. I want to ask Liza where the blood came from.
She fades away from me.
I don’t know why people seem to think that dying in your sleep is so peaceful. No one has ever been able to bring back tales of the experience. Maybe when you die in your sleep, your mind is put through a gauntlet of terror before it is allowed to die and by the time your body is allowed to be put to rest, death is all that you wish for.
Trees line the path along the park. Trees which are too green. Along a path that is too picturesque.
You are not a beautiful and unique butterfly.
What is your sign?
A kitten bleeding from its eyes.
I am a Cancer, Terra says, smiling.
Death increases during my REM cycles by at least ten percent. This was not easy to measure. Fortunately, I am Morpheus.
K likes to ignore the studio audience. I don’t think that this is such a good idea, but K and I have difference views on performance art.
I work on my scale.
Clerk: Exhilarated. Touching Sarah’s hand for the first time, something inside me stirs. I don’t know what it is. I won’t know what it is for a long time.
Clerk: Bored. Droning. Scissors. Bells.
My demons are made of spirit and flesh and blood.
The officer’s demons are made of metal and plastic.
What is a prostitute?
Jared skin is a deep malevolent.
I write Liza’s plan down, complete with diagrams, schematics, but still Liza doesn’t understand.
Liza hates the clerk. I think that Liza is Jealous of him.
Jealous agrees.
I think that Jealous and I are confused.
I am drawn to it (it). I think that this is because it (it) is my way to freedom. But this would mean that K lied to me.
She cries and everyone cries with Her.
I slash the judge’s face with the knife. He ignores me as the blood runs from the horizontal lines. The witness is more important than me.
Clerk: Taller.
The metallic sound screeches in my head. Tiny standing waves of pure pain. There is no sound, just the knowledge that there could be a sound.
Clerk: Glasses.
I pull the trigger. Water squirts onto the clerk face. Least ways, I think that it’s water. I never am so sure. The clerk sucks the water from me, moaning that false moan as he does.
Clerk: Tired. Staying up until sunrise.
The priest explains that God will judge the world, and all of its degenerates. The drunks and whore, they will feel the righteous judgment of the lord. These people will finally get what they deserve.
God I wish God was real, so that the priest would one day have to answer for his words.
People run from me now. Maybe this is because I have the clerk’s dried blood splattered artistically on my shirt. I have found that this particular design offends people. It seems rather shallow of them to judge me for my style. These are no doubt the same people who will one day soon complain that they are being discriminated against by an older generation who doesn’t like their clothes.
Clerk: Scratchy. The bags are uncomfortable, the floor is uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter.
Clerk: Exhausted. Chasing girls. Giggle-screams as they run.
Jared’s mask slips from his face. I try to see what is underneath the mask, but I am too slow. Jared fixes the mask on his face before I can see. But I already know what is there. I just wanted to see the orange face.
Load. Cock. Aim. Fire. Repeat.
The bus stop frequently changes color. Much like Terra’s hair.
There are at least three too many steps to this plan.
The blood fills the room, at its center, a deep maelstrom. Swilling blood.
Chrome.