Building
Wealth from
the Inside Out
JULIE MURPHY CASSERLY, CFP®
Julie Murphy Casserly Copyright © 2008
Published by Beyond Your Wildest Dreams, LLC.
ISBN 978-0-9801133-8-9
0-9801133-8-5
Book design by BYJ Communications, Inc.
Cover design by AGW Idea Group, Inc.
PLEASE NOTE: The views, comments, and opinions expressed within this writing are solely those of Julie Murphy Casserly, not those of any co-workers, managers, broker-dealer staff or management, regulators, or other industry professionals except where specifically cited. The ideas and opinions presented are not meant to fit every individual and in some cases, professional help in the form of medical, tax, and legal advice may be necessary and should be obtained from qualified professionals before attempting to implement serious changes to your life.
The hypothetical illustrations contained herein are intended solely to depict how a Financial Advisor may obtain and implement recommendations suited to an individual or business need. The depictions in these examples have been created from a compilation of clients, are for illustrative purposes only, and do not reflect the actual performance of any particular investment or the analysis of the needs of an actual person or business. For more information about the options available, please contact a qualified professional.
Julie Murphy Casserly does not offer tax advice. The tax information contained herein is general and is not exhaustive by nature. It was not intended or written to be used, and it cannot be used by any taxpayer for the purpose of avoiding penalties that may be imposed on the taxpayer under U.S. federal tax laws. Federal and state tax laws are complex and constantly changing. You should always consult your own legal or tax advisor for information concerning your individual situation.
This material is neither an offer to sell nor the solicitation of an offer to buy any security, which can only be made by the prospectus which has been filed or registered with the appropriate state and federal agencies, and sold only by broker/dealers authorized to do so. No regulatory agency has passed on or endorsed the merit of this material. Any representation to the contrary is unlawful. All trademarks referenced herein are the property of their respective owners.
I dedicate this book to my husband, clients, siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, teachers and mentors: May your generosity and guidance be returned to you ten thousand fold!
Affirmations for Wealth Building
I choose to recognize my emotions behind money.
I choose to have my financial choices determined by who I really am in every fiber of my body.
I choose to let my life control my finances instead of allowing my finances to control my life.
I choose to face my current financial reality.
I choose to follow my desired financial roadmap and let that guide me out of my current financial reality.
I choose to position myself to be lucky.
I choose to love myself enough to live a passionate and purposeful life.
I choose a life of financial abundance and inner peace.
emo·tion
noun
a: the affective aspect of consciousness: feeling
b: a state of feeling c: a conscious mental reaction
(as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling
usually directed toward a specific object and typically
accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the
body
synonyms see feeling
Source:
Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 11th Edition
Chapter One: Your Inner Wealth
Chapter Two: The Search for Happiness
Chapter Three: Breaking Away from Inherited Beliefs
Chapter Four: Own Your Personal Power
Chapter Five: Your Turning Point
Chapter Six: The Crabs in Your Bucket
Chapter Seven: Facing Your Financial Reality
Section Three: Financial Transformation
Chapter Eight: Setting Your Intentions
Chapter Nine: Lives That Thrive
Chapter Ten: Building and Renovating Your Portfolio
Epilogue Welcome to the Beginning
Appendix 1 Job Function Worksheet
Appendix 2 Suggested Reading and Other Resources
To my loving husband and soul mate…Thank you, Billy, for supporting me to be me!
Mom, thank you for teaching me to write! Dad, thank you for giving me the drive and determination to do anything! Mom and Dad, thank you for the love and support that helped me become who I am today! God Bless!
I would like to thank my siblings: Marianne, Donnie, Brian, Matt, Colleen, Danny, Mark, Timmy, Peter, Johnny and my birthday buddy, Katie. The personal gifts that you’ve shared throughout the years have enriched and sustained me in countless ways. Thanks for your unconditional love. We are all extensions of each other.
When times were tough, my aunts and uncles came to the rescue! Thank you for taking time out of your lives to show me that there was a different way of being. Thanks also for showing me that anything is possible; you just have to choose it to make it real. I love you all!
I’d like to thank the many mentors who guided me on my journey. Sue Boner, my high school basketball coach, inspired in me the importance of teamwork, mutual respect, integrity and commitment. Thanks to Bob Lyman for taking a chance on me when all the cards were stacked against my succeeding in the financial services business. Bob, I would not be where I am at this moment without your love, support and guidance, for which I’m eternally grateful.
My clients, thank you for trusting my financial guidance as I embarked on this mission to help financially heal the world. If you had not shared your challenges with me, I would not be able to help others as effectively.
To my various friends, current and past staff members and strategic alliances, particularly Candy Mayer, Jennifer Brennan, Jim and Janet VanHuysse, Steve and Stephanie Murphy, Maureen Laschober, Ann Persico, Veli Sanchez, Kelly Farritor, Erin Duncan, Jennifer Lake, Nina Hartigan, Vanessa Sheehan, Justin Lee, Jeff Ragan, Jennifer Medina, Jessica Leshin, Melissa Casserly, Mark Murphy, Tiffany Andreae, David Wells, Deb Murphy, Joe Ziccardi, thank you for spending a part of your life’s journey and helping me manifest my dreams and the dreams of those important to me.
To my women’s business owner group, the Beyond My Wildest Dream team, thank you for helping me clarify my vision for what my life’s purpose is today and helping me to create worldwide financial healing.
I’m extremely gratified to have found these inspirational teachers and guides whose great wisdom and understanding showed me how to help others find the emotion behind money: Caroline Myss, Linda McCabe, Dr. Deepak Chopra, Dr. David Simon, Louise Hay, Marianne Williamson, Brian O’Toole, Dan O’Toole, Rhonda Byrne, Laura Day, Marie-France Collin, Eckhart Tolle, Kathleen Schaffer, Katrina Laflin and Mary Ann Daly.
Last, but not least, I’d love to thank every single person who made this book a physical reality: Karyn Pettigrew, Bob Lyman, Mark Murphy, Melissa Casserly, Sharon Rossmaessler, Crystal Wilson, Martha Porter-Fiszer, Athena Golianis, Chris Deschaine, Bob Rainone, Laura McFarland-Taylor, Gayle Mandel, Judy Katz, Bonnie Egan and Bruce Jacobson. Without each of your individual talents, this would have been a much steeper climb. You’re the best!
I love you all so very much!
About the People in This Book
Over the course of my career I’ve been richly blessed with a colorful mosaic of clients. I am continually amazed at the honesty, depth and integrity of the people I serve, many I’ve known for more than a decade. We share a mutual trust and commitment to living life to its fullest. As an added bonus, I enjoy their company.
For reasons of privacy, not to mention myriad legalities, the case studies in this book are not based on any real individuals. They are compilations of client histories and experiences, and the names used are fictitious. I’m telling you this for two reasons. First, because I have no choice; it’s a requirement of legal compliance. The second reason, however, goes to the heart of this book. It’s my hope that by including these relatable stories about people and their money, you will gain a deeper understanding of my unique approach to wealth management. My intent is that by viewing wealth building through the lens of other people’s experiences, your eyes will be opened to the possibilities of a new reality for yourself — a reality filled with happiness, prosperity and inner peace.
God bless Suze Orman. Whether you love her or hate her, one thing is for certain: Suze’s tough-love approach to money management has invigorated millions of Americans with the concept of financial empowerment.
I have a special place in my heart for the polarizing waitress-turned-financial-guru, and here’s why. In an early 2007 interview in The New York Times Magazine, Suze disclosed some tidbits about her personal net worth, including how she has it distributed. Her critics were instantly abuzz with judgments about Suze’s portfolio, and how it does not align with conventional investment wisdom, let alone with her own advice. One critic even claimed her investments were characteristic of a “retired grandmother with no heirs.” So, what’s to love about that? Well, I’ll tell you. I think Suze is doing what’s right for Suze and nobody else, and I believe that’s the way it should be, especially when it comes to money.
Not long after I started my firm, in 1995, I discovered something that was never taught in business school. It’s the notion that each of us has our own unique and personal relationship with money. It begins even before you get your first piggy bank or receive your first couple of bucks to buy ice cream, and over the years it changes very little. It may evolve ever so slightly as you leave home, join other communities and take on the responsibilities of a respectable tax-paying citizen, but, for the most part, your feelings about money have been imprinted on you practically from birth. Those emotions are responsible for how you make money and how you keep it, or how it seems to go out the door faster than it comes in. Those feelings actually influence how much money you’ll make throughout your entire life.
Now I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Unless you’re in touch with those emotions and understand the impact that they have on your financial behavior, and unless you take steps to change or heal some of those behaviors, you will not achieve the wealth and happiness you desire. It’s that simple.
I see this phenomenon manifest all the time in the portfolios of intelligent, hard-working people who have habitually gravitated toward certain types of financial products because of what was going on in their hearts, not in their heads. I have one client, a divorced executive and mother in her early forties, who came to me a few months ago asking for my help with a 401(k) rollover. As we got to talking and I learned what was in her portfolio, I was aghast! This bright, successful, well-meaning single mother was so afraid of not having enough money for her kids if something were to happen to her, that she used life insurance products to meet practically all of her “savings” and far too many of her “retirement” needs. This is a perfect example of someone who let her emotions get in the way of good planning. She was cheating herself of higher returns and lower tax implications because of an inner fear of losing money that directly stemmed from her childhood. In essence, she was perpetuating a life of struggle. I’m not sharing this woman’s situation with you to point out her mistakes. I’m offering this as a hypothetical, as I will many others throughout this book, so that you can begin to understand the power that your emotions have over your financial well-being.
Like most people, I always thought that if you had millions, life was better. All troubles ceased and you were livin’ on Easy Street. I also always believed that the surest sign of wealth was having lots of stuff, and that having that stuff was the key to happiness. I’ve since learned that wealthy people are not the ones who have more. In actuality, financially wealthy people have needs and desires no different from those who don’t have as much financial wealth; the price tags are simply bigger. Now I see wealth as a state of mind. It involves being rich in every facet of your life, including your work, financial, family, personal and spiritual life.
As a financial professional with a thriving business, I’ve met many multimillionaires. I now see that their issues are the same as anyone else’s; there are just more zeros. I didn’t come from money; I had to work for everything I’ve ever had. I’ve racked up credit card debt. I’ve had student loans. I’ve had lots of money and I’ve lost or spent lots of money. When it comes to creating a plan for wealth, none of that really matters. What’s more important is to understand the “why” behind the behavioral swings that occur in your financial life. To find out, you must tap into the many feelings, fears and beliefs bubbling below the surface, deep within your soul.
The bottom line is that wealth doesn’t come from managing your money. Wealth comes from managing the emotions behind your money.
On the following pages I am going to help you discover financial healing. I’ll show you how to get in touch with your subconscious money issues and learn to recognize their presence in your life — from the balance in your checking account to the people you choose to turn to for financial advice. I will also help you create a personal strategy based on you and you alone — a plan that helps you rebuild your emotional foundation as it relates to making financial decisions — all while giving you the steps necessary to achieve a life of infinite possibilities.
I’m also going to ask you to participate in some exercises, so you’ll want to have a notebook or pad of paper and a pen or pencil handy.
Does that sound too good to be true? Well, I have thousands of clients and my own life as living proof that your dreams can and will become your reality. You can achieve happiness and wealth in your portfolio and in your soul. All you need is a little guidance from me and a little inspiration from something that is very near and dear to your heart: your innermost dreams and desires. You’ve got them — now let’s tap into them!
The Big Picture
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.”
~Marianne Williamson
Your Inner Wealth
Here’s
a word I bet you haven’t heard many financial professionals use:
abundance. You’re going to hear it quite a bit from me because my
goal is to teach you how to discover and live a life of abundance —
financially, personally and professionally. What’s even more
unusual is that we’re going to get there by exploring your
emotional and spiritual DNA.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking. You thought this was going to be a book about money, not a bunch of touchy-feely stuff. Well, you’re partially right. This is a book about making and keeping money while being happy with your life and the path that you have chosen to take. But why would a successful, independent wealth advisor with an MBA give a hoot about emotional health and spirituality? It’s because, after more than a decade of teaching clients how to build and hold on to wealth, I’ve discovered that there are two huge factors that determine financial success. One is how you process your emotions. The second is how you create harmony or balance in your life.
What Is
at the Center of Your Life?
Answer this question: What is the
most important thing in your life right now? Don’t think too hard.
Just say whatever pops into your head. Now, hold on to that answer.
Write it down if you want to. I bet by the time you’ve finished
reading this chapter your answer will change.
Unless you’re a modern-day Rip Van Winkle who’s just awakening from a century of sleep, you’re probably all too aware that money runs the world today. It’s as if we are handcuffed to the Almighty Dollar. Without money, it seems we cannot achieve peace, health or happiness. If you’re like most people I’ve met, there has probably been a time in your adult life when you were so sick of your job that all you wanted to do was march into the corner office and offer up a giant piece of your mind, followed by the words “I quit!” You didn’t do it though, did you? That’s because many of us have painted ourselves into a corner trying to maintain a certain lifestyle. The fear of losing your job, which means potentially losing your current standard of living, is pretty intense, isn’t it? I know how you feel. Been there, but I didn’t do that!
One memorable evening some time ago I was at a popular place called Brother Jimmy’s in Chicago with my then boyfriend, now husband, Billy. I recall feeling ready to pack my bags and trade my career for a beachcomber’s lifestyle in the Caribbean. Soon after that, though, I did some diligent soul-searching, and at the same time found a couple of great mentors who brought
me to a new
reality. In this new reality, I turned my focus away from money and
let my “Inner Wealth” lead the way. Your Inner Wealth is the part
of you that contains your conscience, values and core beliefs — all
of the nonphysical characteristics that make up your spiritual DNA.
It’s also the source of your dreams, your desires, your
individuality and your life’s purpose.
When I put these forces at the center of my existence, allowing all the other parts of my life — from my job to my family to my finances — to balance themselves off that center like the extensions on a hanging mobile, my life changed dramatically!
The Life
Navigation Wheel
Because I am a numbers person, a
left-brainer, always trying to communicate numbers to creative
right-brainers, I’ve found success using diagrams. They help me
grasp more esoteric concepts and bring them to life. I created the
Life Navigation Wheel (see Figure 1) as a way to communicate to my
clients how most of us prioritize our lives. You may have seen
diagrams similar to the one illustrated here. Basically, it consists
of five realms:
1. Financial
2.
Personal
3. Family
4. Work
5. Spirit (which I refer to as
your Life Purpose/Inner Wealth)
At this very moment, one of these realms is at the center of your life. It’s the motivation behind practically every decision you make. This is because whatever is at the center of your world creates a powerful force, a gravity that keeps all other aspects of your life circling it in an emotional and spiritual orbit.
When I ask new clients to tell me what is at the center of their lives, I typically get a look of panic or angst. I believe this is because deep within us there is a conflict between what we think our life’s focus should be and what it actually is. We each have a life that we create, and it’s not anyone’s place to judge the choices made along the way, including ourselves. Still, the amount of shame, guilt, sadness and regret that surrounds this issue astounds me. After years and years of coaching people through this painful reality, I’ve observed an interesting connection between age and what is perceived as an acceptable life focus. Most middle-aged married folks believe that family should be the center of their wheel. Twenty- and thirty-something up-and-comers generally say they should be focused on work. Retired folks believe that the personal realm, especially health, should be their main motivation. Without fail, however, every single person I counsel expresses, often tearfully, the same frustration. They aren’t living the life they want, and it’s all because of the money choices they’ve made. Unfortunately, this is because most of us in the Western world have come to believe that money is the answer to life’s discomforts, and the source of all happiness. It’s the magic key to the coveted kingdom of Gotta-Have-It-Can’t-Live-Without-It. It has become the central focus of practically every life decision we make (see Figure 2).
What about you? What’s at the center of your existence? More importantly, what do you want to have at the center of your world?
The Power
of Money
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you’re
like I was, or even remotely similar to the thousands of people I’ve
counseled over the years, the center of your life is either financial
or work-related. This may not be what you want to hear, but, for most
of us, it’s true. Without fail, an unhealthy, money-centric life is
the most common issue I see, regardless of net worth or age. Of
course, this isn’t very surprising, is it? In our culture, money
really is the center of everything. As Americans we have turned our
power over to the Almighty Dollar, so it’s not surprising that we
all recognize the “almighty” in the idiom. Sadly, this is neither
profitable nor healthy. We let our money and/or our lifestyle dictate
our lives. It’s not difficult to see why. Just look around you. We
live in a money-focused society, consuming things from “stuff” to
food to experiences right now, at whatever cost. That’s what it’s
all about, right? Stuff, stuff, stuff! I’m not pointing this out to
be critical. I just want to open your eyes to a potential reality in
which you derive your personal power from your quality of life rather
than from the quantity of things you own. You have the
personal power to change your focus. How? It’s by developing a
healthier relationship with money and in so doing, creating a greater
balance and harmony within yourself. I call this living life from the
inside out!
Inner Wealth
Exercise
Let’s take
a minute right now to focus on your Inner Wealth. First, I’d like
you to think about all the things that are important to you — your
spouse, kids, siblings and parents, your health, your career and job
title, hobbies, pets. Make a list. It doesn’t have to be in any
particular order. Next, think about the values you uphold—peace,
honesty, prosperity, beauty, integrity, strength, humility, etc.
Write them down. Finally, take note of the beliefs you embrace. Do
you have faith in a higher power? Is a sense of community paramount
to your existence? Is freedom of speech or self-expression necessary
in your worldview of peace and prosperity? Try not to feel either
self-critical or proud of your answers. Just write them down. Now,
read back over your list and consider this: Is it possible that
you’re living a life that is not consistent with these priorities,
values and beliefs? Does this exercise create a sense of guilt or
longing within? If the answer is yes, welcome to the human race, my
friend. You’re not alone. Recognizing the gap is half of the
battle. You’ve begun the financial healing process, so let’s get
to it!
Your
Authentic Self
In order to put your life in alignment and put
the true you at the center, you must first undergo a shift in
your current perceptions and how you focus on the future. As I had to
teach myself to do, you must learn to direct your attention away from
money and toward the things that you listed in the Inner Wealth
exercise. We all have an emotional and spirit-driven infrastructure
that guides us through life. This infrastructure is who you are —
your authentic self. When you recognize the strength and purpose of
that foundation, and allow your dreams and intentions within to guide
you, rather than the numbers in your savings or checking account,
amazing things begin to happen. It may take you awhile to overcome
your resistance to believing this, but it’s true. When you know who
you are and what you want your life to be, and then put some
practical action into the process, you will begin to live your
dreams, and the money will follow. When you change your mindset and
behavior, your reality will change.
Getting
Unstuck?
Are you still holding back? Are you filled with
doubt? Many of us have had so many disappointments or perceived
failures in our lives that cynicism is only natural. Perhaps you feel
totally stuck in a bad place, mentally or emotionally, even
physically. If you do, it’s easy to understand why. Change is a
scary thing. It’s easier to stick with what’s familiar. I know
plenty of people who long for a new focus in their lives, but they’re
just too settled into the status quo — even though they’re
feeling trapped in the very life they created — to do anything
about it. This is because they’re not in touch with what truly
makes them happy. They have not been open to their sense of self, or
what their authentic self can accomplish.
Have you ever had a time in your life where you were doing something and time flew by because whatever you were doing absolutely excited you? When this happens, it’s usually a clear sign that you’re following the direction of your Inner Wealth. It’s also a sign that you’re embracing your special talents, skills or gifts, or as I like to say, your unique ability. Whenever we utilize our own unique abilities, we can’t help but feel tickled! When people are not happy about their jobs, marriage or family life, it’s usually because they are not being true to who they are. Instead, they give their personal power away to their fears, which then drive their lives. They are not being or doing what they were put on this earth to do. The good news is that everything will begin to fall into place once you have tapped into the emotional and spiritual framework that constitutes you. Easier said then done? Not really…stay tuned!
Authentic
Self Exercise
Think back to
when you were a child. Can you recall doing anything that seemed
instinctive to you? Were there activities that engaged you to the
point of total absorption? In certain moments did time seem to fly
by? What types of activities came naturally to you? Now, bring
yourself into the present moment. What do you truly enjoy doing with
your time? If money were no object, what would you do with your life
every day? What are you truly great at? What is it that no one else
in the entire universe can do better than you? Come on, don’t be
modest. Make a list. Make it a long list. It’s all right, no one
will judge your list, not even you! Give yourself permission to put
it down on paper. I’ll bet no one else can even touch your ability
to understand your kids. Perhaps you’re the king of analysis, able
to assess a situation in a nanosecond and then articulate your
findings. Who else but you can calmly navigate the chaotic seas of
home and work life with the heart rate of a Zen master? Perhaps your
gift is to be present in the moment, to “just be.” Maybe you’re
a gifted listener, or you make the best Irish stew from here to
Halsted Street, as my grandfather used to say. You get the picture.
After you’ve made your list, look it over. I expect that you’ll
learn something about yourself that you hadn’t really thought of
before. Regardless, you’re on the road to aligning your life with
your authentic self. Isn’t this great? Hang on, here we go!
What
Defines You on the Outside?
There’s a popular story, which
has become somewhat of an urban myth, about the man who works hard
his entire life to provide for his wife and children and then, just
as he claims his pension or Social Security check, he suddenly keels
over and dies. How many stories have you heard about people who
finally reach retirement and some catastrophe happens — they become
gravely ill or a criminal talks them into revealing their bank
account number and steals their life’s savings? It’s because
these people have given their personal power away to money. What’s
more, they’ve forgotten to continuously redefine their life
throughout its different stages. They’ve lost their sense of
purpose. In essence, they are trapped in a single definition of
life’s meaning. When exterior forces alter that definition, their
reason for living is destroyed, and their bodies soon follow.
My father is a good example of this scenario. An electrician in Local Union 134, he began working as an apprentice at the age of seventeen. Like many other unions back in the mid ‘80s, his trade union functioned on a seniority system, meaning the more senior laborers got the less strenuous jobs, especially as they neared retirement. As luck would have it, just as Dad’s life was supposed to be getting easier, they revamped the system to one that made no concessions for age or seniority. Like many of his peers, Dad was in a no-win situation. He suddenly had to compete for work with agile young laborers half his age, and half his cost to the employer. Anyone who has ever been through a corporate restructure knows what this kind of upheaval can do to one’s physical, mental and emotional state. This turn of events in my dad’s life changed him forever.
With electrical jobs more difficult to get, Dad was out of work much more than in the past. He simply couldn’t maintain the same speed and capacity as the younger guys, so he was consistently laid off. On November 8, 2005, Dad received a letter from the union telling him that, because of his lack of work over the past two years, he would no longer receive a subsidy from the union to pay for his living expenses. That day Dad suffered two massive strokes. The first was while driving home from work, and the other while he was already in the hospital. They rendered him paralyzed for six months, and he is still recovering today. When my brother Mark went to clean out Dad’s totaled car, he found the letter from the union cutting him off. My family was shocked and absolutely infuriated! How could a guy who put his time in, working extremely hard all his life to raise twelve children, be tossed away like an old pair of shoes? The sad truth is that these things happen far too often, and unless you structure your life so you’re insulated from hardships like these, your mental, emotional or physical health will suffer. Even your relationships with others will become damaged. The signs of these consequences are everywhere — cancer, obesity, failing marriages, the enormous amounts of anti-anxiety medications being taken — these are all the result of lives driven by work, money and lifestyle choices.
Giving
Your Personal Power Away to Money
My office is not far from a
Metra train station in downtown Chicago. On my drive to work each
morning, I see hundreds of men and women step off the train wearing
expressions of pure drudgery. They look like they’ve been punched
in the face. They hit the pavement, heads hanging down, all sour and
sad-looking. Clearly, they are not having fun, or even remotely
enjoying their work lives. Take a look around for yourself and
you’ll see.
Today when I see these people, I am extremely grateful for the financial healing and harmony I experienced in my life. I used to feel like those folks getting off the Northwest Train Line at 7:55 a.m. I felt like everything I did, day in and day out, 24/7, had to do with money commitments. Back in 1995, as a new insurance and investment broker, I was bummed and tired every morning of the week, because, in my mind, money was the hub of my life. I was stuck in the middle of the forest and couldn’t get through the trees to see the clearing. Talk about the rat race! I never seemed to have enough money. I needed enough for groceries and to pay the rent on my modest apartment. I needed enough to go out with friends, especially because I typically picked up the tab (for emotional reasons I’ll explain later). I had to sell more insurance and investment products each week to make enough to sustain my youthful spending habits and, Lord knows, I also had to keep enough on hand so that I could help out my eleven siblings (yes, eleven) from time to time. Money was at the center of my life’s focus, and I was exhausted! Just like those sad-looking people getting off the train, I had given all my personal power to money. As a result, I was not living in harmony with my inner desires and emotions. My life was out of balance and needed to be healed. Can you relate?
Always on
Edge
My most beloved mentor, a man named Bob Lyman, was
instrumental in my healing process with money. When I first worked
with him, I was a subordinate employee, an agent at a large financial
services firm, and Bob was my General Agent. Bob taught me many
things about life and money. Because I am a person who wears her
heart on her sleeve, when something is bothering me, I don’t hide
it well; it’s written all over my face. Whenever Bob would see me
with a look that resembled those folks getting off the train, he
would call me into his office, close the door and say, “Okay,
Murph, what’s up?” I was usually so tied up in knots I’d break
down in tears of frustration. Anyone who knows me would tell you that
tears are not my style, but back then my inner turmoil was far too
intense to contain.
At the time, I was not able to pay my student loans, and this had me in knots. I was barely paying my rent, my siblings needed financial assistance, and I was really sick and tired of eating macaroni and cheese for dinner. I’ll never forget when, during one of my more tearful moments, Bob remarked jokingly that my student loans were like a pimple on an elephant’s ass. I remember looking at him like he was nuts! Later, however, the brilliance of his comment became a source of inspiration and utter joy for me. It helped me keep it all in perspective. From that day forward, he’d often say, “Hey, Murph, how’s that pimple?” It always made me smile and reflect more calmly on my perceived troubles. Maybe things are only as bad as we choose to make them, and perhaps there is more to life than work and money, I considered. What Bob showed me, most of all is that no matter where your current reality is, there are always options. These are the thoughts that put me on the road to my financial healing.
Family
Reality
As I said, I grew up with eleven brothers and sisters
(yes, I’m Irish, and yes, I’m Catholic).While that didn’t help
me become a wealth advisor, it sure as heck helped to make me the
type of wealth advisor I am. I learned to deal with different
personalities because I was forced to. It made me sensitive to
others’ needs. Growing up the second oldest out of a dozen kids in
Midlothian, Illinois, a working class suburb of Chicago, also
provided me with quite a bit of emotional baggage in terms of money.
Needless to say, healing those emotions has kept me quite busy as an
adult — especially considering my career choice!
I had a job from the time I could walk and talk, and that job was to look after my younger brothers and sisters. I can also remember doing homework by candlelight because it was more important to keep the gas on for the heat in the winter months. Also, every time one of us had our First Communion, my parents would borrow all of our gift money to help with the household expenses. To this day, my dad has a book that lists every dime he owes each child. Not that any of us expect to ever see that money!
I got my first paying job, delivering a local paper called the “Penny Saver,” when I was six. Wow, I thought I’d won the lottery when I got that first check. It was my first step toward getting the heck out of poverty. That’s when I started (dimly, of course — I was still a kid) to realize that money is what gives you choices in life. Before that, I really didn’t think there were choices. My mom always said, “Sometimes you just have to make do with what you have,” and we always did. We could make things stretch. I remember our Christmas gifts every year were to take old oatmeal containers and decorate them. We’d fill them up with the cookies we baked for all of our aunts and uncles. Those were true Christmas gifts from the heart. Still, I wanted the choice of living a different life.
Every year, my mom would come home with another baby. The bottom ten children were born in twelve years. I can remember getting up in the middle of the night to feed the baby of the house because Mom and Dad were absolutely past the point of exhaustion. Many mornings I would wake up sitting in the recliner with the baby on my chest, and then have to help get all of my other siblings up and out for school.
Birth of
a Salesperson
We all went to a Catholic grammar school, and we
each had to work off part of our tuition. By 7th grade, I not only
delivered the Penny Saver, I also delivered the Chicago Tribune
and Chicago Sun-Times before school and on the weekends.
This was a huge pay raise. It was great! I also really got into
selling stuff for fundraisers at school. One year I sold merchandise
from a “sales kit” that had everything from wrapping paper to
oven mitts. This is when it first occurred to me that sales came
easily to me and I was really good at it. I was certainly a “people
person.” I figured out a way to get the things I wanted. It was
really easy. All I had to do was what came naturally to me — talk.
Interaction, talking and connecting with people were my gifts, and I
soon learned that those things made it easy for me to sell. It didn’t
even seem like work. All through grammar school, my homeroom
classmates loved it whenever there was a sales contest for taffy
apples because I always sold the most, and our homeroom would win a
pizza party. For thirteen years straight, I was the top candy
salesperson for the Midlothian girls’ softball league fundraiser.
But no matter how much money I made, it always got spent fast —
nothing went into any kind of savings, not even a piggy bank. Hmm,
was there emotion behind the money even then? Definitely!
Getting
What You Want Exercise
We all have
behaviors that get us things in life. Some are healthy and enable us
to accomplish our goals with ease, or at least without negative
consequences. There are other patterns of behavior, however, that are
less constructive. They may get you what you want in the short term,
but in the long run they wreak havoc on your relationships with
others, or worse, with yourself. Be honest. Do you frequently play
the victim in an attempt to gain someone’s sympathy, which in turn
forces them to let you have your way? Are you creative, able to
brainstorm a variety of means to an end? Do you rush into situations
in a panic for fear of losing out to others in the end?
Take
a few minutes right now to explore your patterns with me. Write them
down as they come to you. I’d like you to think about a recent
success, achievement or acquisition. How did you get it? What energy
did you expend in the process? For example, let’s say you just
purchased a new car. What steps did you take to attain it? What
emotions or behaviors did you employ to engage with the others
involved? Did you first choose to give yourself an amount you could
afford, or did you decide to sweet-talk your spouse to get the funds?
Did you call up another dealership to see how they would compete? If
you did, what was your demeanor with the salesperson — charming,
businesslike or demanding? Did you research which car was right for
you first, then base your planned cash outflow on that particular car
loan? Did you drive all over town for a week to find the ideal car,
or did the whole transaction occur in ten minutes?
If
you haven’t already done so, get a pad and paper and think of a
similar incident. Write down the actual steps you took, along with
the feelings and behaviors that accompanied them. When you’re done,
read over your narrative. Can you see yourself following one or more
of these behaviors to get what you want in life? Are they healthy
behaviors or harmful ones? Don’t judge, just ask! What are your
habitual patterns? Nobody is going to say anything is good or bad,
right or wrong. It’s just something for you to recognize and think
about without judgment.
My
Inherited Money Pattern
Even as a child I found it easy to
work with people. I felt comfortable dealing with people, it was
natural. This was my first glimpse of using my unique ability. It was
fun for me and I enjoyed it. I will never forget the year I won the
Atari 2600 game. I was ecstatic. The next year I won a nifty electric
blue ten-speed Huffy bicycle. The year after that the Midlo girls
softball league just called and asked me what I wanted. I said $100,
and that’s what I got! Ask and you shall receive…what a concept!
With all of that success, by the time I entered high school I still
had no money saved. I had spent it all, or given it to the family to
keep the house afloat. Now I see that my spending habits were a
product of fear — fear that if I didn’t buy what I wanted right
then and there, I wouldn’t have the money later to buy it. This is
because all I had known in my life thus far was lack, a life of
perpetual struggle, being in survival mode, if you will. I definitely
had a scarcity mentality. I was following my parent’s money
pattern. Before you ever got it, it was already spent. In fact, deep
down, I now know that having an abundance of money made me feel
uncomfortable. I learned how to create an abundance of money, but I
just couldn’t abundantly hold onto it.
This pattern was not only how I handled money; it was also how I handled food. I was shocked when I realized how this pattern had leaked out into other areas of my life. It was subtle, but potent. When we were kids, one of my jobs was to go shopping for groceries with Mom once a week. If we had a little more money than usual that month, she would buy a snack for our lunches. That happened about once every couple of months. My personal favorite was Scooter Pies. They were the least expensive, ninety-nine cents for a box of twelve chocolate goodies, and my siblings and I loved them. When mom and I would get home, all of the other kids would charge over to the groceries because they knew when money was good, we’d get Scooter Pies. Mom would let us either eat one right away or decide to save one for our lunches later in the week. We learned quickly that we had to devour our ration immediately, because the treats would be gone long before we even packed our lunchboxes.
A few years ago one of my aunts recalled that it was always really hard when my family showed up for the holidays. It seems we all charged the line to get food, and put way too much on our plates, for fear, I would imagine, of not getting any. On another holiday thirty years later, with all twelve of us now adults, I found I couldn’t stop thinking about what my aunt told me. Conscious of this reality, when dinner was served, I chose to observe and I couldn’t believe my eyes. All my siblings charged for the table. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. It wasn’t wrong; it was just how we had learned to behave at a very early age. Scarcity at its finest!
A
Constant Sense of Uneasiness
I’d be willing to bet all the
money in the world that there is something about money that makes you
feel uneasy. Maybe it’s as simple as feeling that money runs
every decision you make, and you’re tired of it — or tired of
those gnawing feelings that something is not right, but you can’t
quite put your finger on what that is. Whenever I get one of those
pesky feelings, I stop and take a moment to find out what my body is
trying to tell me, because it’s a sure sign that something is not
aligned between my Life’s Purpose and my actions, that is, my inner
world versus my external world. Uneasy feelings come when your life
is not in harmony with your soul’s purpose. Those gnawing feelings
usually mean that the life you’re living is not in sync with the
real you. It’s the language spoken by your subconscious in an
effort to communicate with your conscious mind. For most of us, this
bothersome state of inner turmoil manifests as worry, fear, anxiety,
anger, etc.
Now it’s time for you to get in touch with some of your own uneasy feelings. While you were reading what I wrote above, did any uneasy feelings come up for you? When you think about money, what nagging thoughts worry you? What gives you a queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach? Make a quick list. I think you’ll find that you’re not alone.
The most common gnawing, uneasy feelings I hear about money are:
“I never seem to
have enough money.”
“I can’t seem to get out of debt.”
“I
hate my job, but I’m afraid to quit.”
“Why can’t I be
wealthy and do what I love?”
“How am I going to live the
lifestyle I want and still pay the bills?”
“How do I
transition from my current reality to my desired life?”
“I
have pretty much everything I need, but I want something more, and I
don’t know what that something more is.”
Just as you take care of your body when it feels ill, I want you to learn to take care of your financial health. In order to do that, you must come to understand what those feelings of dissatisfaction or despair mean and where they come from. Feelings are neither right nor wrong; they just are.
We all get gut feelings. Some people believe it’s their intuition speaking, or God, the Universe, their dharma, the Holy Spirit, their soul or their conscience. We don’t need to get hung up on semantics. It doesn’t matter how you define your instincts. What’s important is that you learn to recognize when something doesn’t feel right. All too often, however, we just go about our lives because that seems to be the path of least resistance. What I’ve come to realize is that if you’re not listening to the messages that you’re getting from within, they will keep coming at you, with increasing severity year after year, like an emotional 2x4 that keeps cracking you over the head until you truly listen. Ouch! Why do we do this to ourselves? Life is not supposed to be a constant struggle. Still, it amazes me that so many people have chosen a life of struggle as their constant reality. Sadly, most people wait until they become sick or traumatized before embracing change. We don’t have to wait; we can change at any point in our lives. It’s our choice! Which route will you choose?
A Toxic
Shock
A few times a year my husband Billy and I treat
ourselves to a week at The Chopra Center for Wellbeing in Carlsbad,
California. We find the seminars uplifting, healing and motivating.
On our last visit, co-founder David Simon, M.D., mentioned something
that shook me to the core. He said that he estimates, based on the
patients they see at The Chopra Center, that over 90% of the toxins
in the human body are not byproducts of bacteria or harmful
chemicals; they develop from toxic emotions. This statement was in
alignment with recent insights from a financial perspective, and I
had just begun working on this book, so I was eager to speak with Dr.
Simon about it. After his seminar I rushed up front and introduced
myself. As we talked, he explained how, on a quantum level, we as
humans aren’t predominantly sick from the toxic foods we eat. We’re
sick from toxic emotions that are not effectively processed. Wow,
talk about an eye-opening moment! I was beginning to see that
everything in life is tied to our emotions, from our health to our
wealth.
Internal Processing Department
We live
in a world so fast-paced that it sometimes seems that we are all
trying to catch up with ourselves. Years ago, people used to lean on
their communities. Their neighbors, friends or religious congregation
helped ease some of life’s difficulties. People took more time to
care about each other. Seniors retired from companies they had begun
working for when they were 18 years old. They were homegrown. Today
the face of business is constantly changing. Young employees are
coming and going in and out of companies every few years, and the
older workers are going out. Who has the chance to get to know anyone
anymore?