Words Fail Me
What to Write to the Grieving
Diane Ramirez
Copyright 2011 by Diane Ramirez
Prior publication 2009 by Diane Ramirez
Smashwords Edition
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction * Considering Our Relationship with the Bereaved * Considering Our Relationship to the Deceased * Considering The Religious Faith of the Bereaved * When Someone Has Lost a Baby/Child * When Someone Has Lost a Loved One to Suicide * Summary
Introduction
Ever felt at a loss for words, especially when it comes to writing a sympathy card?
You are not alone. Many of us struggle to write the right words to those who are grieving. This article will guide you through some questions and thoughts to aid you in writing the right words.
To quote an overused cliché, it’s said there are three things certain in life: birth, taxes, and death. Congratulating someone on the birth of a child and celebrating the joyful occasion is easy, sharing our burden of paying taxes gives us a sense of commonality, but when speaking of death we’re not so amenable—we are tongue tied to say the least.
We don’t like to see people sad and hurting. Sometimes this uncomfortable feeling makes us want to rush the whole grieving process. For example, I remember two weeks after my father-in-law passed away, my mother-in-law’s brother walked in as she was sobbing. He padded her back and then retorted in so many words, get over it, it’s been two weeks. Did he say that because he was uncomfortable with crying, could not handle his sister’s pain or didn’t know what to say to her grief?
What do we say to the bereaving? “Sorry” seems contrite and empty, even though we truly feel sorry they are suffering this grief. For sure empathic expressions muddle in our minds, perhaps like this seemingly un-empathic brother. We aim to write words that will echo our sympathies to the family or friend suffering loss. And when we think about horrific events like 9/11, which took over 3,000 lives in one day—there are so many wild emotions rendering us speechless. Finding the words that mirror our heart might come easier if we consider the following:
Our relationship with the bereaved
Our Relationship to the deceased
The religious faith of the bereaved and deceased
The circumstances (was it sudden like an accident) surrounding the death of the deceased
Our Relationship with the Bereaved
What is our relationship to the person who is distressed over loss? Our association with him or her will determine how personal we will want to be.
For acquaintances (a doctor, co-worker, neighbor, or others who are not in our close circle), we can say something like - Although I do not know the depth of your pain, I hurt with you and for you. You are in my thoughts.
If you are a praying person, you could add you're in my thoughts and prayers.
I found comfort in hearing what other people had to say about my grandmother when she passed away from cancer. My grandmother was a crafty woman, an artist, involved with her community, and helping others. I loved hearing the stories of how she impacted the lives of others throughout her eighty-two years of life.
Though words will not erase anyone’s pain, grieving people are comforted in knowing other people are mindful of their grief. One reason for this is the news of your loved ones death shatters one's world yet the world continues to move on like its nothing.
Notes and cards from individuals, who are not family or close friends, help to create a sense of true community. Most everyone likes to be remembered, and to know his or her loved one is remembered too.
For close friends and family we could write - My heart is saddened at the loss of (insert their name). I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are experiencing but know my deepest sympathies are with you. I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on.
If we have experienced a personal loss similar to the one we are acknowledging, we can rely on expressing the ache we felt. We could say - I know your heart feels as though it’s being crushed with a thousand pounds of bricks, but please know I am here for you. Grief is a journey, and if you’ll let me, I’ll help you travel down that painful path.
Of course, we never want to make a promise we cannot keep. Knowing our limits of what we are able to offer of our time and energies is important. It’s easy to be swept away by emotions when we feel deeply for someone’s loss. We promise only what we know we can deliver.
Our Relationship to the Deceased
In writing our card of sympathy, consider the person who has passed away. What do we know about the deceased individual? What did he or she mean to us? Sharing a few words about the person’s character is uplifting—for us and for the bereaved. Here are four examples:
Share a funny experience you had with the deceased or something he or she did that made you laugh. Your father was a funny man, with a great sense of humor. He always made me laugh. I will miss him too. I remember that time he . . .
Share how he or she personally touched your life. I remember when I needed a job and your sister put in a good word for me with her boss. She was a lifesaver. Her caring and compassion for others will live in my heart always.
Share something you witnessed the deceased doing that remains strong in your memory or influenced your life. I remember the Thanksgiving when a family up the street had nothing to eat. Your mother gave out of her own pantry. She showed me by her example how to give with an open heart.
Write something about the deceased’s character. Your brother certainly loved the people he worked with at the Home for Disabled. He demonstrated it in the way he treated each person with dignity. Jack will be missed, and there will be an empty spot in all our hearts.
Finding the right words to write in times of loss is never easy. We want our words to convey our deepest sympathies, love, and concern for the bereaved. As we construct our note, we just need to be sincere, honest, warm, empathic, and most of all, real. We cannot go wrong. Just a simple “I’m here for you,” might be all they need to hear.
Considering The Religious Faith of the Bereaved
Does the bereaved have a religious faith; however, you do not, it is still acceptable to reference his or her belief in God or a Higher Power. You don’t have to worry about knowing what they believe. Just keep it straightforward.
For acquaintances, you might express your thoughts in a prayer-like fashion. May your God give you comfort and peace during this sorrowful occasion. My thoughts are with you and your loved ones.
For individuals who practice a faith you might say - I know you lean on your faith; so I hope you will receive comfort, peace, and strength through your beliefs in this difficult time. It’s never easy to say good-bye to those we love.”
Simply referring to the beliefs of the bereaved shows you have taken the time to consider what is important to them. And that means a great deal to an individual who is grieving.
If you and the bereaved are of the same faith, write a scripture of hope or encouragement along with a personal sentiment. You could say: Though you grieve your loss, and my heart grieves with you, it’s my prayer that in the weeks and months to follow you will rejoice in knowing that “Christ [is] in you,” who is “ the hope of glory,” (Col. 1:27). May our Lord’s comfort surround you today and in the days to come.
A Word of Caution
When people are grieving it's best to avoid statements like:
• This must be God’s will
• Everything happens for a reason
• Don’t be sad, your loved one is in heaven
• “And we know that in all things God works for the good . . .” (Romans 8:28) and other often and perhaps overused scriptures. While they may be true, they do little at the moment to comfort the hurting.
What to Write When Someone Has Lost a Child
The agony of losing a child is unfathomable at any age. Parents do not want to out live their children. Losing parents, grandparents, and siblings is hard enough but the loss of a child is so different. Children are our future.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I had to leave the hospital with empty arms. Eight days before my due date I was struck in the abdomen causing the placenta to tear away from the uterine wall, unbeknownst to me. By the time the doctor’s discovered what was wrong, I was hemorrhaging and the baby was losing oxygen. Alicia died twenty minutes after the performed the emergency C-section.
I had a lot of well meaning people say stuff they just did not know was hurtful rather then comforting.
Let’s talk about what not to say to grieving parents, and this applies to miscarriages, stillborns, newborns, children and teens.
1. Your young you can have other children
2. Thank goodness you still have other children
3. God has his reasons for taking your child
4. It was God’s will your child died
5. It’s just wasn’t suppose to be
6. You can always adopt
No one sets out to intentionally speak words that are hurtful, we mean well. When we are at a loss for the right words, we say what comes to our mind. The best thing to do is:
1. Provide comfort
2. Listen
3. Be there
4. Offer your time
5. Food and/or cleaning
Here are some possible ideas you could write to parents, and grandparents who have lost an infant, child, or teen:
- We can’t understand how hard this is but please know you are in our prayers and thoughts. We are here for you. We care for you.
- We know how much you wanted this baby; our heart breaks for your loss.
- I don’t know why this kind of thing happens, but know we care deeply for you and hope your sorrow will find comfort.
- We are never ready for the unexpected, we can’t imagine the pain you are experience but know we cry with you and our thoughts of comfort and love are directed your way.
- We know God is a God of comfort and he will comfort you during this time of great sorrow.
The idea is to let your friends know they are thought of, prayed for, and cared for. I know from experience having individuals reach out to me and listen, provided consolation.
What to Write to Someone Who has lost a Loved One to Suicide
This truly is a place where words fail us. Nothing is more devastating then to console one when suicide is involved.
My grandfather committed suicide. He suffered from bone cancer. My mother, who was taking care of him, went out to close the gate and heard a loud bang. Once entering the house she headed back to his room to find him lying in his blood. My grandfather meant to shoot himself in the heart but missed. He shot himself in the armpit instead. The scene was shocking.
What do you say to someone who has experienced this type of tragedy? Several people remarked how brave my grandfather was to take his own life. However, we didn’t see it that way. Suicide is tragic to those left in its wake, especially if the individual is young.
Recently, I heard a man on the radio whose father committed suicide. He said for some reason people want to know how his father did it. But we must understand the details of the suicide are not necessary to know. Imagine your self in the other person’s skin.
What would be going through your mind? What questions would you be asking? Then think about what you would want people to say to you. Defiantly not how brave the person was in taking his or her life.
A friend of ours, whose daughter ended her life in her early adulthood, said it’s easy to make this mistake when someone’s loved one has just committed suicide and that is to overlook the initial pain and put foot in mouth to infer something good will come from their loved one’s suicide.
Like with any loss, grief and anguish weight the heart. The sensitivity of suicide leaves us juggling a hot potato. Grief is grief no matter how the loss transpired; however, with suicide the family will be asking a lot of why questions and wondering where they went wrong.
What do we say to a friend in this type of situation? Families who have lost a loved one to suicide need the same comfort and support.
Though sending a sympathy card is nice, a friend of mine who lost an adult daughter to suicide said, “Be there in person. He told me it was nice to have people just come and “sit” with them. He also said, “Tell them you’ve come to join your heart to theirs. Be sure to touch and hug them.” He further stated having friends and family there made all the difference in his and his wife’s deepest disparity.
With suicide it’s best not say too much he cautioned. There really is not a whole lot to say, even though saying “I’m so sorry” is empathic it does little to comfort as we’ve mentioned before.
If you cannot go to the grieving family in person, writing a note or sending a card, is supportive. What you could mention in a card is:
• Something about the person’s character
• Something you remember them doing that was funny or inspiring
• Share how they impacted your life
• Share how the family as a whole has impacted your life, or what they mean to you
I do remember people telling me how generous my grandfather was and things he did in his community that would have lasting results—that was a comfort.
So I might write something as simple as: I can’t imagine what you are going through but I am here for you. Your daughter was a beautiful young woman and I know many were touched by her life. I would like to do something for you and your family. In the meantime, may comfort and love be with you and you family during this time.
Summary
Trust your heart as you write or speak those genuine words of sympathy in any of these situations. Think about your relationship to the bereaved and the deceased. Reflect on the deceased person’s character, personality, and what he or she meant to you. And incorporate what you know about the bereaved person’s faith and beliefs, if applicable.
If you did not know the person who passed but your heart breaks for those suffering loss, letting the person know you are available or that you are praying for them, keeping them in your thoughts, and sharing in their pain . . . is comforting too.
I hope that this article has proposed some options for you for those awkward times when words seems to fail you.
I hope you find the words to speak your empathic and genuine thoughts to those grieving loss.
Visit me at: diramirezwrite2inspire.com or e-mail me at: di772ramirez@yahoo.com